By: Paige Riding, Copy Editor

Tip #1: “Open” your pores with steam

You can’t. You can’t open your pores. That’s not how they work. They don’t have muscles or anything, weirdo.

You can, however, save yourself the utter agony of turning on an oven in this heat. Boil some water on the stove and open up that good, good Kraft Dinner box, baby. 

Lean over the pot. Let the steam hit your face for no reason. Feel even hotter. Regret taking skincare advice from a person who checks commas for a living. 

Wow, you’re glowing! Ah, nope, that’s the neon orange cheese reflecting off your sweaty forehead.

Tip #2: Try a mud mask

Whatever you do, don’t go into the garden. You thought I’d steer you that wrong? I’d never ask you to put such filth on your gorgeous mug. (I thought about it. Really, I did. The mud was dried out.)

For the best effect, you’ll need to go to the most slug-infested marshy area you can find. Pick up a whopping handful of brown gunk you can only pray is mud, realize this is a God-awful idea, and go make yourself an ice-cold mudslide instead. No, the sugar won’t make you break out. Neither will the alcohol. Don’t worry about it. Please.

Tip #3: Just stop sweating

It’s not hard?

Tip #4: Don’t forget sunscreen

People who brag about never using sunscreen are the same people who refuse to use the air dryers after washing their hands in a public restroom because they “take too long.” They just waltz out, dripping water everywhere. You’re sick. Sick and twisted. 

Anyway, this piece of advice isn’t a joke. As a recently graduated English major looking for a job in a pandemic, I know a joke when I see one. Just put on sunblock.