Top Ten future COVID-19 denier movies

Very calm, very cool. Nothing wrong here. Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Craig Allan, SFU Student

  1. Maskless

Saidie Jennings has been in a long term relationship — with her mask. It kept her warm, anonymous, and safe from COVID-19. After reading a Twitter thread about how masks are choking hazards with microchips installed in them by Bill Gates to bring down NATO, Saidie is ditching her mask and finding out what life is like to go maskless and free.

  1. Vaxxx Attack!

Jenny Schnider thought she would be fine after getting her COVID-19 vaccine. Two weeks after she got her shot, while sitting in a bathtub, she was attacked by the Vaxxx Man! (By which we mean a text that she can book her second vaccine appointment.) Will this thriller end in a second dose of the vaccine or revenge?

  1. Vax Ass!

James Memphis and his out-of-control crew save the world from the dangers of social distancing and masks. They do so through the most gnarly stunts ever brought to the screen. Memphis and his crew go around America coughing, maskless, running through stores saying “COVID doesn’t exist,” and performing their chart-bottoming song “I Will Not Wear it on My Face.” All for the good of America!

This movie is dedicated to James Memphis, who died of COVID-19.

  1. Spitters Always Win

Jeremy Holken and Maria Vega are the operators of Spitoon, the largest competitive spitting competition in the world. However, their jobs are in danger when the government closes them down due to COVID-19. Jeremy and Maria plan to fight back against this terrible law and advocate for  the right to spit in each other’s mouths. It’s a fight against government tyranny and Big Brother. They are so mad, they will spit!

  1. My Imaginary Friend?

The parents of Carlie Short try to prove to their daughter that her best friend Corona does not exist. While Carlie, her teachers, and her pediatric doctor tell Carlie’s parents that Corona is real, her parents will do everything they can to convince her he is not. They’ll try everything — from switching her to home-schooling to ignoring those smallpox symptoms she is developing due to her parents ignoring her doctor’s advice to get the smallpox shot.

Stay tuned for the upcoming sequel My Imaginary Friend 2: Meet Polio! 

  1. The Virus-y Ducks

On their way to a championship, the Ducks peewee hockey team’s season is stopped due to COVID-19. Not wanting to give up on a championship, the Ducks will play against themselves for a championship. With the limited grace that only a group of 11-year-old boys can have, they are determined to fight back against COVID-19 and the league who tells them they can’t win the championship only facing themselves. 

  1. The Denier

After being bitten by a radioactive tweet, Carl Crave goes from a mild-mannered factual reporter into The Denier! With his newfound powers of ignorance and his new power move, The Karen Attack, Carl will go on to fight his various foes including Dr. Vaccine, MASK, and the (socially distanced) Space Man!

  1. The COVID-19 Bears

Cuddles, Hugs, Kisses, Snuggles, and Share are here to teach kids the importance of being close with your friends and families. This quintuple of soft, plush, teddy bears will also teach lessons like “Always greet a stranger with a hug” and “There’s never been anything wrong with an open taco bar!”

  1. No Space

Fearing that his doctor has been overtaken by the awful COVID-19 truther movement on their way to Mars, Sal Garrison is working on a plan to kill the converted doctor and show that COVID-19 is not real. Garrison will show Dr. Hawks that there should never be space between them, only out the window.

  1. Party Down in COVID Town

With his parents in the hospital, Terry Carter is going to throw the biggest rager ever at his house. There will be kissing, tight spaces, and the only people wearing masks will be those weird guys dressed in all black who keep putting their parents’ most priceless items into bags. Will he play tonsil hockey with his love, Alice Jensen? Will he convince the cops that this isn’t a COVID-19 party? Come and find out!