SFUnexplained: Burnaby’s construction hides a monster

The bookstores are funding a labyrinth for our safety

I’d be better off if I picked a random direction and hoped for the best. Illustration: Danielle Regas/The Peak

By: Carter Hemion, Staff Writer

Anyone who’s had the misfortune of studying classical mythology has likely heard the story of the Greek Labyrinth created to house the Minotaur, a monstrous half-man, half-bull creature. SFU is a real-life case of something similar, currently orchestrated by president Joy Johnson. 

If you’ve heard the rumours like I have, you know that SFU had a mishap in a lab that created an awful monster. Unfortunately, as SFU does not release information about animals on campus, we can only put together the details from careful observation. Maybe it was a zombie brought to life in the morgue. Maybe it was a radioactive mistake with McFogg the Dog. Maybe it once was a student living on Monster energy drinks for too long in the bottom of RCB. Regardless, SFU is trying to keep it locked away the only way they know how: by constructing a labyrinth. 

Its funding is obviously each campus’ bookstores, and even faculty are involved. Professors require students to purchase textbooks they wrote. They require students to pay extra to access their homework and PDFs. Students can’t even pass on or buy used textbooks because an updated edition is required every new term. What kind of reputable institution would do this to students all while refusing a tuition freeze and dragging out the fight for RA employment rights? It could only be a cover for something nefarious.

Sometimes I get frustrated with how expensive and inaccessible post-secondary education is, from SFU charging ridiculous tuition for international students to the extra hidden fees with classes. To keep calm, I just remind myself that SFU administration must have a reason for lining their pockets with the money I would have used to buy unnecessary things like dinner and new shoes. They do it all to serve us, the students, by hiding the monster in constantly changing halls. They’re so good at it we haven’t even seen the creature!

Besides, there must be a better reason for construction than SFU needing renovations. The levels of asbestos on campus are relatively safe, the lead paint is minimal, and there must be a valid reason the most recent physical access guide hasn’t been updated in almost a decade. Students have no need for unionising, protesting, contacting SFU administration, or taking any tangible actions to change our campus. We should simply accept the damages that come at our expense because there is absolutely no reason to doubt our university’s choices. Administrators aim to protect us from harm. Collateral damage is still acceptable, right?

Next time you hear an ungodly screech from a quiet hallway or catch something strange passing by in your professor’s Zoom background, remind yourself that the construction and closures of corridors are a great thing. They may be the only thing separating you from the beast of SFU.