By: Juztin Bello, SFU Alumnus
- Your aggressively single friends
Your “single” friends will probably just mind their business on Valentine’s Day, because, shocker, it’s just another weird cash-grab, hetero holiday. Your “aggressively single” friends? Oh boy. Get ready for weeks of “We don’t need to be in relationships! We can take each other out!” or “I just call February 14 ‘buy myself chocolate day’!” or, even worse, “I love finger-banging myself to fictional anime boys as a way to fill the void of romance. Really, I do!” Just know that if you get invited to a Valentine’s Day-adverse wine night, your cue to leave is when the first person starts crying and doom-swiping on Tinder. You’re better off going home, crawling into bed, and not so unironically listening to “Love Story” by Taylor Swift.
2. The high school “hero”
High school feels like a million years ago, right? Well, not to the high school “hero.” This date might’ve gone well — if you had managed to get a word in. But between his recapping of high school debauchery tales, showing you pictures in his yearbook (he brought all four?), and his slideshow presentation of his best high school football plays, you’ll likely be as silent as he is about world issues. You’ll sit there hearing him talk about his peak, while willing yourself to not look at his widow’s peak and hairline that are just as checked out as you are.
Pro: DiscreetHungTop on Grindr did the easy job of providing you with all of the important information. Plus, despite hiding his age, you can tell he’s older because of his photo’s angles, and thus must have money. Older = money. Sound logic.
Con: this exchange will definitely come up later in therapy when discussing the correlation between your fixation for older men and your strained relationship with your father. And of course, the biggest con of this date will be the constant ringing of his phone — it’s his wife, asking whether he’s on his way back yet from the health foods store.
4. Your partner you’ve been meaning to break up with but there are just too many holidays back-to-back during the winter
It’s December and you’re getting ready to finally ditch the ol’ ball and chain. But then you remember Christmas is coming up, and it’s a great chance to get free shit. So you wait. Then January rolls around. It’s time. But then again . . . who wants to make someone else go through heartbreak to start their year? Not you, of course. You wait again. Then comes February. It’s finally time. Just kidding. Valentine’s Day is approaching. Guess you’re stuck adhering to societal expectations of another consumerist holiday as a method for flaunting your failing facade of a relationship. You better hope that your significant other doesn’t have some weird appreciation for St. Patrick’s Day — but then again, might as well wait it out ‘til after so you can still Get Lucky.
5. The rebounder
“Just got out of a long-term relationship,” their Tinder bio will say. This should have been a red flag, but seeing as you’re a red flag yourself you figured, why not? Two negative red flags = a positive. Simple math. But as you sit there in your one good dress shirt and you mention how the food tastes good, your meal will be completely overpowered by the bitter saltiness of a recently scorned ex, aggressively pointing out that their ex also thought food tasted good. Was this a good rebound attempt? Na.
6. A date set up by your friend in a relationship
You know how your friends get bored of their own stale relationships so they try meddling with your affairs? They could try setting you up with a friend from their work, old college buddies, or the person your friend definitely just wants to know the dick size of for their own pleasure. But at a certain point, this concept is truly just an insult. “They’re perfect for you,” your friend will say about this date who showed up three hours late wearing a “Proud Furry” pin. This date is looking pretty ruff.
7. Your ex (because why not)
Look. This is probably not a good idea. But then again, when were you ever about listening to “good ideas” anyway? This should be simple since your ex is probably still liking and commenting on your photos and will hit you up with the occasional drunk text. Just be sure to catch them on a good day to ask them out again when the drunk text is “I miss you so fucking much” instead of “i miss that deep hole” for optimal results. And if anyone asks, you’re doing this for closure, not because you’re touch-starved and like putting yourself through emotional disdain for the thrill.
8. The passion project
You know that basic exercise as a kid where you took blocks of different shapes and put them into the correct holes that fit? Yeah, clearly you don’t, because right now you’re trying to take this absolute square of a person and jamming them into the star you want them to be. Newsflash, genius, that square will never be the shape you want no matter how hard you try. I regret to inform you that your idealizations will leave you with two unfilled shapes this Valentine’s Day: your heart, and your big, backdoor circle.
9. Super Mari-oh no
You know what sounds like a good Valentine’s Day date idea? Going over to someone’s house, lying sexily on their bed, and then watching as they strip to their undergarments and . . . game. If you go out with a gamer, chances are you’re used to someone playing games with your emotions — perhaps someone used to using codes and inputs just to cheat. Try not to get too jealous about them romancing a pixelated person in a video game while you’re there; it’s only fair they give their attention to both of their dates, of course. Just remember to have your protection ready before hard drives start heating up; you don’t want to catch any viruses.
10. The bad influence(r)
You may see people online who flaunt promo codes for H-list brands that no one uses while amassing a whopping less-than-100 followers. This, of course, is a wannabe influencer. Well, if you want to take a wannabe influencer on a date, chances are their influence on said date will be bad. They’ll take numerous photos of their food, ask you to take photos of them, and make the waiter take photos of both of you (that they’ll probably just end up cropping you out of). Just be warned, there are no filters in real life — which means your date won’t censor themselves about their wrong takes and problematic worldviews. If you want a 10% chance of lasting fully through this date, use promo code #HELP to order something you’re allergic to as a way out.