“I understand these are trying times,” says the professor making the times trying

PHOTO: NordWood Theme / Unsplash

By: Kyla Dowling, Peak Associate

Subject Line: Paper now due Tuesday

From: ppprofes@sfu.ca

To: AHH 101 (All Sections)

Date: November 5, 3:33 a.m.

Students, 

Many of you have asked for an extension on the 14-page organometallic chemistry paper due on Monday at 11:59 p.m., citing “the state of the world” as the reason. I hear you. I see you. Now, it is due on Tuesday at 12:01 a.m.. Remember, if you need anything, feel free to drop by my office hours. I’m sure some of you may have actually read my syllabus, but to remind the lazy ones, those are from 1:32 a.m. to 2:13 a.m. every full moon. Again, I am here for you.

Take care, 

Professor Professorson

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Subject Line: Quiz Deadline

From: ppprofes@sfu.ca

To: AHH 101 (All Sections)

Date: November 6, 6:06 p.m.

Students, 

To test your knowledge of last week’s 126-page reading on the emerging field of quantum biology — despite the fact that this is a first year chemistry class and half of you are FASS students in search of your B-Sci credit — I have just uploaded a quiz to Canvas. The quiz is 30 questions long and worth 7% of your final grade. I do want to note: I know these are difficult times and I empathize with all of you, which is why your time limit for the quiz is now 10 minutes and 32 seconds instead of 10. 

Warm regards,

Professor Professorson

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Subject Line: Cat Update

From: ppprofes@sfu.ca

To: AHH 101 (All Sections)

Date: November 7, 4:20 a.m.

Students, 

Many of you have been asking about my cat, who was meowing during last Sunday’s mandatory 10 p.m. lecture. To brighten your spirits in these trying times, I have attached a photo of Meowssolini. If you look in the bottom left of the photo, you’ll find that his litterbox is in fact lined with your “Epidemiology in Shakespeare” research papers that I never actually graded. This is a reminder that even in the darkest times, the work you submit is never useless. By the way, for the next paper you submit, please print it on newsprint paper rather than printing paper. Meowssolini prefers it

All my love, 

Professor Professorson

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Subject Line: Reminder About Bar Examination 

From: ppprofes@sfu.ca

To: AHH 101 (All Sections)

Date: November 7, 12:21 p.m.

Students, 

Just checking in on everyone at this crucial point in the semester. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy, as well as feeling well-prepared for next week’s bar examination. Remember that this exam is two days long, starting precisely at midnight Wednesday. Bathroom breaks will be penalized. I understand some of you have emailed your TAs with complaints saying that you have “other classes” or “a job” or “bodily functions to take care of”, but an important part of being a productive online student is time management. This is your responsibility. 

Stay safe, 

Professor Professorson