By: Juztin Bello, Copy Editor
- Pineapple on pizza debaters
Some might say the worst thing is putting pineapple on pizza, but what’s worse than that is the people who use this debate as their primary personality trait. To me, food preferences are like sex: I don’t care what you’re into, so long as you’re not shoving something down my throat I didn’t ask for. It doesn’t necessarily matter which side of this debate you’re on, if you’re the type of person who frivolously argues for one or the other, I highly suggest you improve your palette — the taste level here is quite questionable.
2. “Oopsie, I bought another plant!”
Succulents, cactuses, and bonsais; these are just a few examples of the things used by plant people to create the facade of a personality. What could be more enticing and thrilling than talking to people about giving something water . . . and then moving it into the sun . . . and then . . . just . . . watching it do nothing? Look, I get it, it’s easier to make friends with plants than people because, unlike people, plants can’t leave you when they’ve outgrown you. Don’t fret; at least with all of your plants you’ll hopefully have enough oxygen to breathe a new life for yourself.
3. The Office c̶u̶l̶t̶i̶s̶t̶s̶ fans
Making your entire personality based around a TV show is one thing, but to make it around The Office is about as interesting as trying to sell blank paper. Between spewing references that are way overdone or berating people for NOT watching The Office, people with this personality trait try way to hard to be a “likeable” character — just like the ones they idolize on this show. Hate to break it to you, though, none of these characters are even close to likeable. You guys are all about bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica, right? How about bored, beaten-to-death, barely tolerable?
4. The messy misogynist
There’s a lot I could say about this one, but I don’t think the people who need to be reading this one have the brain capacity to read long and complicated things. Unfortunately for the rest of us, there’s no antidote to treat the poison secreted by these types of people. What I can prescribe to people who exude toxic masculinity, though, is one lethal dose of a reality check and the hard pill to swallow that not everything is about men.
5. Car connoisseurs
Now, you might call me biased for this one because I don’t drive, but I’ve sat in enough passenger seats and heard enough rants about car expenses to know that, ironically, car personality types lack one thing: drive. While there’s a multitude of things I could say about cars and car enthusiasts (like how cars are literally just glorified death traps) I’ll summarize with this: if you invested your money in something more productive than a fancy car, maybe you’d have less problems that you feel the need to drive away from. If I were you, between insurance, gas, and car aesthetics, I’d care more about what I’m putting into my bank instead of what I could stick in my exhaust pipe.
Though normally I’d reserve discussing such topics in other sections of the paper, I’m including racists in the humour section because anyone who’s racist is an absolute joke.
7. Disney adults
In what I like to call the evolution of Horse Girls, Disney adults are people who cling a little too hard to the magic of Walt Disney and would probably drop kick a toddler for a seat on the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. Speaking of Peter Pan, much like Peter these people never want to grow up — and also much like Peter, these people lack the skills or interests to integrate themselves successfully into conversation with non-Disney adults and can only relate to children on an intellectual level. As much as you’d like to fuse your childhood obsession into adulthood with fun tank tops that read “Hakuna Some Vodka,” unfortunately you’re just going to have to . . . Let It Go.
8. “Hey, did you know I’m vegan?”
Have you ever heard the joke “how can you tell a pathological liar is lying? Their lips are moving.” The same could be said for vegans: you know they’re vegan as soon as their meatless lips are open and promoting juice cleanses. But you know what’s just as bad as vegans who within moments of speaking try to coerce you into buttchugging açaí bowls? Vegans who brag that they don’t brag about being vegan. You would think with how much cleansing they do, these types of vegans would have the clarity to see the hypocrisy in bragging about not bragging. But alas, they’re so focused on their diets they fail to see that they lack substance — and no, I’m not talking about meat.
9. ^~*I’m Quirky*~^
Anyone who says or believes they’re ~quirky~ and ~different~ probably saw the movie Mean Girls, started believing that cliques actually exist in real life, and made it their duty as the ~relatable~ and ~awkward~ person to oppose these standards. Hate to break it to you, but Mean Girls is just a movie — a pretty tired one at that. Anyone who thinks they’re quirky has yet to face the reality that when everyone is quirky, no one is quirky. This could also be summarized by the truly heinous statement: “I’m not like most girls!” To be honest, what does that even mean? I feel like more people live by this statement than people who don’t. This perfectly defines how quirkiness is a complete contradiction: if most are saying they’re not like most, wouldn’t that mean that the quirky ones who say they’re not like the majority are the majority? Who is this majority that they speak of? Someone please make this make sense?
This one goes out to people with a latte problems that have the inability to espresso themselves, and instead use a beverage to hide their easily brewsed egos behind; that’s right, I’m talking about self-proclaimed coffee addicts. If you’re the type of person who actually enjoys cringey pun mugs, flexes how much they contribute to capitalism by going to Starbucks, and prides themselves on their knowledge of the fast food coffee hierarchy, it’s about time you got served. Coffee-fueled personalities are much like coffee itself: hot or cold (since you can’t come up with an actual personality), constantly roasted (this one speaks for itself), and bitter (because there’s nothing else interesting about you besides what you drink.) You know what they say: “Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee.” How about just don’t talk to me ever.