By: Carter Hemion, Peak Associate
Wake up, sheeple! Our beloved previous university president, Andrew Petter, has been replaced by a doppelgänger.
For starters, Petter has not been seen in person for months. After a decade of hard work spent keeping this university intact, he vanished. Few have claimed to have actually seen his mythical face. In his two most recent interviews with The Georgia Straight, he neglected to meet the interviewer in person. Instead, he opted for a phone interview to avoid direct contact. Coincidence? I think not.
During his interview in August, he used the word “community” a whopping 23 times. When we shift just one letter in “community,” separating the closeness of the two Ms in the word — like Petter has been separated from our lives — we are left with “com uni tmy.”
Come uni Timmy.
Come to the university Tim Horton’s.
There are two Tim Horton’s on the Burnaby campus — just like the two Ms — but only one is inside the university. Follow-up research shows that this Tim Horton’s has been closed for months, perhaps because of their ties to Petter’s disappearance. His constant reiterations of the word “community” must have been cries for help.
In his interview with the Straight back in January, he used the word “community” only twice. When you take away two from 23, the number of pairs of chromosomes required to make his doppelgänger, you get 21. The only factors of 21 are one, three, seven, and 21. The most important factors, one, three, and seven, are prime numbers. Petter was in the prime of his career when he disappeared, and he was number one in our hearts. The numbers three and seven equal to 10, the number of years he served as SFU’s president before it was too late.
Further, his first and last words to The Georgia Straight were “I” and “now.” The letter I is the Roman numeral for one. “One now” is a warning: there would only be one Petter from then on, and it wasn’t the man we know and love.
If you’re still unsure whether he’s truly been taken, just ask yourself one question: have you ever seen him in person? Has anyone you know seen him in person? If they have, how do you know that person isn’t a doppelgänger?