Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
VANCOUVER, BC — An SFU student has been sighted in the downtown core playing hide-and-go-seek. When asked who was “it,” he explained that he was trying and failing to track down his memories of the times in his life where he’s allegedly been wrong.
“It’s real weird,” Bob Nockschuss, the student in question, told The Peak. “I just can never figure out where they’re hiding! I hate it, I haven’t won a game in years. People say I haven’t won an argument in all that time, either, but I just don’t know how that could be true.”
Despite the latest round of hide-and-go-seek starting several minutes ago, Nockschuss has yet to uncover his eyes and start looking.
“It’s not time yet, I’ve been personally counting. Numbers don’t lie,” he insisted, pausing from his repeated mantra of “98.”
Many of his friends, enemies, and unfortunate seatmates on buses have tried to offer him helpful hints on where to find his missing memories, to no avail.
“I remember he once tried to convince me that mail-in voter fraud was the biggest threat to the American people and that we couldn’t let it take root in Canada,” says Polly Ticklyware, who then sent articles explaining that Canada already has mail-in voting and that fraudulent voter mail barely ever happens in the US.
“He does seem to have changed now, even if he denies that it ever happened. But later, when I told him he’d probably find the memories hiding somewhere in our last few texts, his eye rolled back and he started yelling ‘ready or not, here I . . .’ over and over until I walked away.”
“Basically, at this point, the idea that I’ve ever even been wrong in the first place is something I’m expected to just believe people about,” Nockschuss concluded. “And I do not know where I could possibly find out for myself, especially not now that most of my social interactions are publicly recorded in date-marked Tweets and comments online.
“And that is all really, really hard on me.”