The five love languages of Canvas

Healthy communication is key to any relationship with an aggregation of data


Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Trouble in remote paradise? Can’t find happiness in your lifelong commitment? Fret no more. If you and Canvas just can’t communicate with one another, there’s a simple possibility: you don’t know your Canvas love language! Look to these five Gary Chapmanian categories, and figure out your personal truth. 

Words of affirmation

To determine your affinity for words of Canvas affirmation, pay attention to what gets a reaction out of you. That “Nothing Planned Yet” message on your Dashboard, lined with calming illustrations of trees and mountains, greeting you and affirms that you really don’t have to do anything today . . . Does that set your heart aflame? 

Quality time

If you think your Canvas love language might be quality time, there’s just one statistic you should count: the number of minutes spent downloading the exact same reading file off of your weekly module over and over because you keep losing it, watching it evolve from “Mosco.pdf” to “Mosco (1).pdf,” “Mosco (2).pdf,” and even “Mosco (3).pdf.” Nothing else could be so bonding — not even real polygamy. 

Giving gifts

In a way, giving gifts is the Canvas love language of the common people. We all speak it. Because the personal data analytics Canvas quietly harvests from you are the greatest gift anyone could give. Read those terms and conditions, babes.

Acts of service

Do you feel unfulfilled when Canvas fails to accept your uploaded file? What about when it locks your discussion post in the middle of you typing it and you lose your participation marks for the week? Acts of service might be your Canvas love language if these acts of disservice are enough to scar you. 

Physical touch

Sometimes love is simple. It could be that you just draw joy from tapping your keyboard around Canvas’s horrific interface. That ulcer you get when Canvas traps you in another “unable to log in” loop, that’s just the site returning the favour.