Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
VANCOUVER, BC — An increasing number of Vancouverites are keeping contact to a minimum by forming “body walls” as they walk down the street, repelling others who might approach.
“No one will bother coming near us if we destroy all hope of pedestrian movement in this direction,” says Rudy Walker.
Body walls are traditionally formed by assembling a group of friends to walk in a horizontal line, connecting the two sides of the sidewalk. The body wall phenomenon, according to health experts, can happen “anywhere infested with self-serving, Tindered-out millennials” and therefore especially in the Yaletown region of Vancouver. COVID-19 has only exacerbated the problem; the six-foot rule means that body walls can reach a breadth of 30 feet.
“Last week we actually had a stare-off with an opposing body wall,” said Tati Lespich, a member of Walker’s six-person unit. “Very Romeo and Juliet, or as Rudy put it, Red Rover: Pandemic Edition. We made it through all right, but we lost Ken to those bastards.”
Ken Cushion, the friend in question, told The Peak in an email interview that he was safely at home, recovering from a migraine. He had bumped into someone from the other friend group and fallen, hitting his head. He attributed his absence of mind, which led to the incident, to everyone else on the sidewalk being beneath his notice.
In the meantime, Walker and his remaining friends have continued their circuit along Vancouver’s breeziest waterside walking paths. At press time, at least three joggers had been absorbed into the body wall, never to be seen again.