Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Aries — March 21–April 19
Wherever you walk this week, the ugly truth about those in the immediate vicinity will follow. Solve this by spending your mornings bathing in a big vat of melted candy and glaze. There’s nothing quite like sugarcoating yourself for the easy consumption of others.
Taurus — April 20–May 20
Forget your education. Take this week to track down a WonderSwan Color and the Japan-exclusive releases of the Digimon WonderSwan series of video games surrounding Ryou Akiyama’s endless struggle against Millenniummon. Ryou’s lengthy plothole-ridden war against an all-powerful, evil god of spacetime will resonate with you and your fight for self-actualization.
Gemini — May 21–June 20
You’ll experience love at first sight this week. You will finally open your eyes after a lifetime of being blind to your own flaws — and at that time, you’ll realize that you and your venomous personality are meant to be together. Forever.
Cancer — June 21–July 22
Bring back bubblegum as a sassy commonplace quirk. It’s retro, it’s cute, and it’s something you’ll be suited for after years of blowing every other aspect of your life.
Leo — July 23–August 22
Wear big, sparkling earrings this week. You never listen, so you might as well use your ears for something.
Virgo — August 23–September 22
Watch your back this week. Left to their own devices, your lazy little lats will only bring you disappointment and fragility.
Libra — September 23–October 22
Horoscope? What horoscope? Nobody decides your future but you. And advertising giants.
Scorpio — October 23–November 21
Oh no! Someone close to you might have actually modelled your psychological profile accurately. You’ll need to chuck a behavioural curveball every two hours instead of every three days, now. No way does some random get to understand you just because they’ve known you for years.
Sagittarius — November 22–December 21
Don’t reflect on your own actions. Why would you bother when there’s so much wrong with everyone else’s? If there’s one thing you needed to learn from Grey’s Anatomy trauma surgeon Owen Hunt, besides to NEVER date a man like Owen Hunt, it’s how to triage.
Capricorn — December 22–January 19
This is the week to let go of material worries. Didn’t you know? All of this is just a fever dream brought on as your soul recovers from the Mayan apocalypse eight years ago, anyways. That girl who dropped out of high school to go “live her life” before it all came crashing down? She clearly knew what was what.
Aquarius — January 20–February 18
You’re a deceitful image, a sleight of hand. Your horoscope sign says “aqua,” but your horoscope element is air. This week, you have to weaponize this. There’s no other way you’ll escape that social engagement you promised you’d attend, only to realize that you’d rather snort beaver teeth.
Pisces — February 19–March 20
Stop trying to order the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino from Starbucks locations that no longer serve it. Yes, self-care is (obviously!) demanding unreasonable accommodations from everyone in your life (and sometimes from people who aren’t in your life, like, at all.) But real self-care is learning to recognize when the sizzle in the relationship is just . . . gone.