Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

Oh, did you hear that on the grapevine? It’s an earwig, and she wants you. 

Taurus — April 20–May 20

This week, you run this town. That comes with responsibilities, like paying off your debts and doing odd jobs for the local wildlife. Just remember to turn off Animal Crossing when you’re done pretending to have agency and authority for the day. 

Gemini — May 21–June 20

Love triangles consume you this week. As always, you are caught between Mario and Luigi: in other words, fundamentally identical menu options, offering only the illusion of choosing something beyond your unhealthy romantic type. 

Cancer — June 21–July 22

This week, you will remember once more that you are an adult, not an ageless forest fairy. It’s a tragedy, really. You might keep growing older, but at the rate the world is going, the forest certainly won’t.

Leo — July 23–August 22

Set boundaries this week. For example, if your father makes you a weird gift, like wings of wax, and urges you to escape into the sunset with him, just say no and confine yourself to your basement. 

Virgo — August 23–September 22

Swallow the political economy of communication this week and swell to ever greater proportions. Maybe you’ll learn what the political economy of communication actually is. Or maybe you’re just a round pink baby.

Libra — September 23–October 22

Digitize yourself into a Nintendo avatar. Your ability to play games with people’s hearts will maximize. Mii music was in art, now Mii music’s in art, in you. 

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

Remember: it’s always darkest before the dawn. You may think you’ve hit rock bottom, what with having the ugliest clavicles I’ve ever seen. But don’t give up. Soon you’ll realize that you have amazing scleras, and that should be enough for you. 

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

The gym is waiting for you. So are your Tamagotchis. The choice is yours to make. 

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

Prepare to climb your way out of the cold of winter. Enter the spring reborn and ready for a new adventure, and prepare yourself to get social in ways you never have before. Otherwise, these past few weeks have been meaningless. As they say, the real COVID-19 is the friends you’ve made along the way.

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

Take some time to remind your social circle that you are a blessing in disguise. Flay off your worthless outer skin to reveal a $1,000,000 organ spread. It’s better than charcuterie.

Pisces — February 19–March 20

Stay literate, boys. It’s all we have left in the era of Coachellagate.