Written by Jason Kireina, Peak Associate
Hello, Peak readers. It’s your favourite sinner here with the content that none of you asked for. A couple of months ago, I wrote an article about how I can’t have sex at home because I still live with my parents. No, that still hasn’t changed. Yes, my sex life still sucks.
I exposed the truth of having to hookup with people in rather precarious places like the park and in cars — both completely non-fictional and logical, of course. One thing I failed to include for you repressed SFU students, however, is the abundance of hookup-spot alternatives that exist right outside your lecture halls.
- The bathrooms between Taco Cantina and Menchies
There are plenty of bathrooms at SFU that can be used for a casual nut-break, but this is by far the best. This bathroom is spacious, has great lighting, and positions its mirror in a convenient spot where you don’t have to see your “I’m being rammed from behind” face. Additionally, privacy is a guarantee, since this spot is between two dying businesses.
Maybe I’d be recommending a different bathroom if Triple O’s was still there, but unfortunately SFU students apparently lack the taste to keep good businesses open. As if choosing to hookup in a bathroom wasn’t indicative enough.
- Your TA’s office
Think you’re a rebellious student with a passion for getting back at authority? Want to hook up somewhere you know no one’s going to be? Then your TA’s office is the ideal hookup spot for you.
With a desk full of blatantly unmarked and ignored papers for you to get thrown onto, your TA’s office is the perfect spot for you to act out your wildest naughty educator fantasies. You can try acting out some super seductive scenes with your partner, like asking to have your failing test score bumped up. Perhaps to a . . . 69? You might even turn this into a game to see how many different department offices you can hookup in.
Plus, there’s no worry about getting caught here, because, surprise, no one goes to office hours.
- History section of the library
SFU’s library is particularly popular for those who like the thrill of potentially getting caught. Here, you can get busy in more ways than one, and all that it takes is some canoedling against the bookshelves. Just like your legs during finals season, the library is open 24/7, meaning that rendezvous can happen at any time of the day.
While any section of the library will do, the history section in particular is prime for getting down and dirty. Besides, there’s no better setting for someone to dominate you in than among books about terrible old white men doing the very same thing to the entire world.
- The Trottier Observatory
Now, this might not seem like an obvious choice for anyone looking to experience a big bang. If you play your cards right, the observatory can be full of all the black holes you can imagine. Ironically, the last thing you’ll have while you enjoy some company here is space.
The ambience of this spot is definitely out of this world, and it’ll have anyone you bring here shooting for the stars. In addition, here at the observatory you can feel the pressure of something crashing into Uranus. Yes, you heard that right. I said what I said.
Plus, maybe with a telescope this big, you’ll finally see just how little dignity you actually have.
- The Student Union Building
Although this doesn’t exist yet, this space will be great for hooking up! I mean, it’s not like this space is going to be used to allow vacancy to clubs, groups, or other logical campus organizations anyway, right? Might as well use it for something!