Dear Peakie,
Do I absorb Jeff Bezos’ worth if I eat him or does everything stay the same?
From, Didn’t Get a Scholarship This Term
• • •
Dear Didn’t Get a Scholarship This Term,
I would advise against this. You can’t even stomach capitalism now. Swallow this man whole and you’ll turn out like that guy from my high school who went grad camping the year before I graduated: in the hospital, getting your stomach pumped because you partied harder than you could handle. And just like that guy, you will turn into what my classmates called “grad camping Jesus,” coming back from the hospital in three days ready to drink more capitalism.
Love, Peakie
• • •
Dear Peakie,
Where at SFU can I take a dump in peace?
From, KO
• • •
Dear KO,
Nowhere. Even if you find a washroom that features neither a window in your stall nor incessant chatter from students who haven’t washed their hands since preschool, the shrieks of your lonely soul will echo loudly within the porcelain throne, disturbing you. No relief awaits you. Accept your fate and start going numbers one and two before you leave your home every morning.
Love, Peakie
• • •
Dear Peakie,
Just came to say that you’re a beauty and a cutie. Much affection. Also, don’t forget to go to the gym tonight.
Love, Peakie
• • •
Dear Peakie,
Thanks, babe! You have an impeccable way with words and such beautiful positive power. I’m obsessed with you, and I will see you at the gym tonight. Look at me through the mirror glass with adoration. Let’s do 10 reps of evil incantations together if the 22.5-pound dumbbells are taken again.
Love, Peakie
