Written by Jason Kireina, SFU Student
Walking on the moon. Winning consecutive Super Bowls. Letting someone else speak without interrupting. Throughout history, man has made the impossible possible time and time again. But for Ram McCaulkener, the moment of law-defying climax arrived on November 15 — the midway mark of No Nut November.
Invented by someone with clearly too much time and not enough lube on their hands, No Nut November is a time where men willingly avoid masturbation and sex for a whole month. Though rules have varied by region and federation, most rules allow: boners for no longer than 30 consecutive minutes; one impromptu wet dream; and the viewing of pornography.
As an event that has seen too many men reach a premature completion, McCaulkener’s record-breaking 15-day stint has sparked plenty of attention online, primarily in the very necessary #GuysSupportingGuys Twitter hashtag. The Peak had the opportunity to sit down with McCaulkener to recount his journey from nut to nut-less, starting from his special first time.
“I started doing it as a joke in high school with some buddies,” McCaulkener recalls. “It seemed kind of stupid at first; I mean, none of us could hold out for very long.”
This lack of longevity seems to hold true for many men who find themselves thrusted into participating. Men’s Energy And Tonicity claims the first three-day period of this month-long event is the longest and hardest. Unfortunately, MEAT has been unable to provide tips for overcoming this hump, as No Nut November has reportedly beaten MEAT and its staff for countless years.
Despite many failures and a lack of confidence from sources, McCaulkener was not ready to call No Nut November a bust. In third year, a friend of McCaulkener’s challenged him to see who could last the longest.
“My ego refused to let me lose, and I knew what it took to beat him . . . There was no way he would see me coming.” Through a true test of will — which included a hospital visit and a break-up, both due to some literal and metaphorical blue balls — McCaulkener bested his friend by making it to Day 4.
Following his victory and a newfound inspiration, McCaulkener trained tirelessly for the next No Nut November; his regime included wearing a tiny* dog cone for a few hours every night and several attempts at brainwashing himself through self-induced aversion therapy. He had tried to give himself a nut allergy in hopes of making his training easier, but multiple doctors visits and Google searches led him to the conclusion that this was neither the proper route nor humanly possible.
Riding on this perseverance, McCaulkener entered No Nut November 2019 with confidence.
“This wasn’t about beating my friends or my meat anymore. This was about proving to myself that I could do what no man has ever done: have the mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional strength to go more than a few days without making the bald man cry.”
No Nut November 2019 started for McCaulkener at exactly 11:59 p.m. on October 31 (Day 0), after what he called “the white storm before the storm.”
He remembers feeling lightheaded and dizzy on Day 3, his appetite escaping him.
“I started not being able to look at food the same way,” he states. “I had to throw out all of my grapefruits, and I got rid of all of my oysters so I wouldn’t be tempted to shuck them.”
Things got dicey around Day 6. “My homie bent over in front of me, and it was almost all over from there,” McCaulkener painfully states. At this point, he was also avoiding touching certain fabrics, sitting on certain surfaces, and sleeping.
By Day 11, McCaulkener was starting to push the boundaries of physics. “There was this thicc-ass tree at the park that had no business being that thicc. Next thing I know, I’m scaling a building to release some very built-up tension.”
Now, having reached the record-breaking Day 15, McCaulkener has ascended into the astral plane.
“I mean, now that I’ve ascended I feel like a whole new man. You know how moms get into those philosophical self-help books like Eat, Pray, Love and they feel enlightened and powerful afterwards? Yeah, I feel that, but like, 100 times better — and I didn’t have to read a stupid book.”
Additionally, McCaulkener has gained a few superhuman abilities. “All of my chakras have been unlocked and it’s really changed things for me. It started with levitation, and then I began moving objects with my mind. I’m like, if you took all of the X-Men together into one guy, and that one guy had all of these superpowers and also didn’t masturbate. That’s basically me now. It’s awesome.”
Is the end of November it for him? McCaulkener doesn’t know, but he is certain about one thing: he must be the greatest, because no man has ever accomplished this before. And if anything’s going to eventually make him blow his load, it’s that.
*McCaulkener asked The Peak to note that the use of the word tiny in this instance is used to describe the cone in comparison to the size of standard dog cones. The object with which it is used is not to be associated with the word or implied to be tiny whatsoever.