SFSS candidates you might have missed

This campaign is the WORST

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Photo curtesy of Whateverskateboard

Written by: Hannah Davis, Staff Writer

It is election season once again, and The Peak is so excited to be covering the wonderful and promising platforms of some of this year’s candidates.

Name: (I don’t want people to vote for my name . . . just my soul)
Year: 10
Major: Undeclared
Campaign slogan: Who needs a degree, when you can learn for free?
Campaign promise: I will protect students from the job market by never letting them graduate.
Why you should vote for me: I’m fun, I’m free, I don’t wear underwear under my billowy balloon pants #letitbreathe #freethecrotch. I have audited over 500 different lectures and so I know everything there is to know about how SFU works. This is how I came up with my plan to make it mandatory for every undergrad to audit at least seven classes from outside their major, so they’ll stay at the school forever!
Fun fact: I once brewed my own kombucha that eventually turned rancid, but I drank it anyways and now I can see into the past, present and future.

 

Name: Jared
Year: Middle School, Grade 8
Major: I like Woodshop, Home Economics, and I think English class is stupid. I might not even actually go to university.
Campaign Slogan: YEET
Campaign promise: My plan is to supply every student with a hall pass, so they are allowed to go to the bathroom and walk around in the halls whenever they want and not get in trouble. If elected as SFSS president, I will make it so professors can’t give detention. Also, everyone is going to get a vape pen because my mom took mine away.
Why you should vote for me: I will give you freedom and the ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want.
Fun fact: Once I skipped a whole week of school ‘cause I did a sick kick flip and landed on my ass and broke my ass-bone. Mom says I actually just bruised my tailbone, but it hurt so bad I think she was lying.

 

Name: Barry
Year: 1
Major: Biology
Campaign Slogan: Be more like bears (couldn’t use that Dwight Schrute quote due to copyright, stop telling me about it)
Campaign promise: I will reduce student stress by 100%. As an (undeclared) biology major, I have noticed that bears have less documented cases of stress than all students ever. I plan to completely get rid of structured lectures, tutorials and homework, and just let everyone roam freely around the campus like bears in the forest. All this university crap is too much stress, we all just need to return to the BEAR NECESSITIES.
Why you should vote for me: No more stress, no more classes, no more learning whatsoever.
Fun fact: I got an 87% on my biology course midterm, so I know I could run a government.

 

Name: Bradley
Year: 5
Major: Philosophy
Campaign Slogan: Susan, I’m sorry, I want you back!
Campaign promise: THIS IS FOR SUSAN GILFORD ONLY.
Please don’t vote for me, I don’t want to be president.
Baby, I know I fucked up. I just miss you so much. You taught me about life, like how to do laundry and wash the dishes. (God, your simple beauty astounded me) I know how much you love big romantic gestures, so if this is the only way I get you to notice me than so be it. I’ll run the best campaign for you, baby, just please notice me. Call. Reply to my texts. Please.
Why you should vote for me: DON’T vote for me… I don’t even know what the SFSS is, I just want my girlfriend back.
Fun fact: I. Do. Not. Want. To. Win.