Written by: Aaron Richardson

I am emailing to inform you that my incompetence as both a student and a human being has gotten the best of me yet again. This time, it has come in the form of me completely forgetting the paper that is due this evening at 11:59 p.m.

When I arrived home this evening and received the Canvas notification of the imminent deadline, in the midst of the all-too-familiar terror that accompanies such scenarios, I began to ponder what excuse I would use this time around.

Had I yet informed you of the death of my brother’s salamander back in June? That was truly a hardship for all of us — one that we endure to this day. Or perhaps an evil twin had been impersonating me in class all semester and had neglected to inform me of the deadline. Finally, I considered the likelihood that I had been incepted by some other student who was jealous of my clearly excellent, strikingly obvious intellect and work ethic.

By the time I realized that my typical excuses might not be as convincing as I had once believed, hours had passed. How many? I do not recall. But I can be sure that I could have produced an adequate C-worthy paper in that time had I used it more thoughtfully. Perhaps I could still accomplish such a task in the time remaining. But you must understand that coming up with excuses is hard, exhausting work, leaving me spent of any creative effort at this time.

I was once told by a very wise woman — Loonette from The Big Comfy Couch — something I am unlikely to forget: “Oh no! Granny’s gunna beat me after she sees this big mess.” It’s a sentiment that sticks with me to this day, and I can’t help but remember it at this time, for I have certainly made quite the mess of things. But, rather than attempting to hide the mess with some brilliantly crafted excuse, I decided that honesty was the best policy. This is why I am emailing you now.

You may be upset with me for not completing my paper. But consider it a gift from me to you. Rather than forcing you to read through the obviously coffee-fueled ramblings of a madman who thinks that 1000 words is a long paper, I have given you the freedom of never needing to experience or even witness the thoughts that run through my head all day. I hope that you appreciate this, and that you return the favour with a grade of your choosing.

Sincerely,
A student who you’ve probably never seen in class

P.S. My brother’s salamander did actually die. So if that is adequate justification for an extension, I will certainly accept it.