Written by: Jennifer Low
SFU students were stunned on Wednesday after realizing that what seemed to be a new transfer student was actually a zombie, an SFU representative confirms.
The intrusion happened sometime during the early hours of the morning, police say, when the first fleet of 145 buses started coming up the mountain for 8:30 a.m. classes. However, it is uncertain how long the zombie was on campus due to its unique ability to blend in with SFU students.
“Well they all shuffle along like that, making grunting sounds about how much their brains hurt!” a bus driver stated to the press.
With its poor posture, its milky-white eyes that are clouded over as if suffering from cataracts and its pale, greyish complexion that looks as if it hasn’t seen the sun in days, police are baffled by how many professors have come forward claiming they have seen the monster seated within their class.
“We’ve seen many reports,” the SFU representative stated, “but we can neither confirm nor deny that these claims are accurate, as it appears professors may be having difficulty identifying the zombie among the sleep-deprived and weary faces of their regular students.”
The unknown zombie was discovered near SFU’s reflecting pond seemingly admiring the koi fish. It was only when a student accidentally decapitated the zombie with her backpack that she realized anything was amiss.
“He just looked like some dude who was leaning over the edge, so I thought he was feeding the fish or something,” an SFU student witness states, “I didn’t realize he was feasting on the koi fish until she took his head off!”
The student responsible for the accidental decapitation is still receiving aid from SFU’s health and counselling services and has declined to comment.
The origins of the zombie are still unknown; however, there is much speculation. Leading theories include the belief that the creature may have been bred within the depths of SFU’s science labs, or perhaps may be the reanimated corpse of a student whose soul can’t rest until it raises its GPA.
“Makes sense it would stay here,” A fourth year student comments, “dying is expensive! Do you know how much funerals cost?”
As there have been no student attacks, students have advocated for authorities to do nothing to remove the zombie from campus, suggesting that it makes a cool new mascot.
“I think I’m speak for the whole student body when I say the zombie basically represents the epitome of the student existence!” a witness states, “It’s not hurting anyone so I say we just let it finish its degree! It’s probably just as useful as any other student when it comes to group projects anyway, so why not?”
Zombie sightings can be reported directly to SFU Security or an up and coming social media page titled “Zombies of SFU.” However, the page was taken down after many students reported feeling insulted when their peers snapped a photo of them for the social media site on a day they felt they looked less than their best.
