Written by: Zoe Vedova
The SFSS exposes itself to the student body, and no one is enjoying the sight
Burnaby, B.C. — A trembling first-year clings to the embrace of their second-year friend, the sleeve of their freshly purchased SFU crewneck soaked in tears. The semblance of comfort is chilled by the daunting revelations that Simon Fraser University has what it claims to be, a well-established Student Society.
“It’s a lot to take in all at once, you know?” The second-year confided to reporters that afternoon. “Sixteen directors,” they mused, denying themselves terror. “I can’t even name sixteen other people enrolled here. Like, I totally knew that student governments out there, but to think my own university had an entire policy-crafting sect rife with incomprehensible administrative turmoil, lording over $750 of my tuition each semester, is unimaginable.”
When the news broke across multiple reputable meme pages that SFU’s student-led system of governance was crumbling due to disorganized infighting and alleged real fighting, SFU immediately launched its most formidable counter-attack: disinterest.
One student revealed how many initially attempted to deal with the shocking meme-formatted reports. “I guess I just thought, ‘Hey, if I treat this like the knockoff Game of Thrones bullshit it is, maybe it’ll go away?’” A forlorn expression weighed down a nonchalant shrug. “I guess I was wrong.”
Holding back enraged screams was no simple task for an unnamed third-year criminology student as she accepted the reality that not only does SFU have a student president, but he might actually be impeached.
“Those quasi-political freaks better keep their mundane feuds to themselves!” Forgoing diplomacy, she embarked upon the “anger” stage in the cycle of grief while sitting at the lower bus loop, awaiting the 144. “Do those lukewarm Machiavellians even care I’m now burdened with the knowledge that I, personally, am partially responsible for this current debacle because I never paid attention to their weird little board meetings in the past?” She proceeded to jam her headphones into her ears and watch a full episode of Netflix’s, Nailed It, on their Samsung Galaxy to diffuse any residual guilt.
“SFU students are surprisingly resilient,” commented a suburban trauma counsellor who was called in to assess the situation. “In fact, it took a whole team of Vancouver Apathy specialists to even realize the unprecedented level of shellshock the student body was experiencing. Half-hidden anxiety, despondent fatigue, and general confusion are so naturally ingrained in SFU’s everyday culture, the plethora of telltale signs of suffering were completely masked.”
Despite specialists, counsellors, and dank memes, it’s uncertain what the lasting effect of SFSS’s emergence into the conscious awareness of the student body will be. “One thing is clear,” the counsellor noted at press time, “these poor kids are not ready to learn the SFSS has a budget of over two million dollars. Can you believe it? Holy fuck, two million! But no, seriously, god, it would literally destroy them.”
