By: Gene Cole
As we go through life, the human relationships we have can be hard, complicated, and non-existent. To escape this frustration, many have found it helpful to fill that void with dogs and cats — fluffy entities of kindness (and condescension) that deserve all the love in the world. But, like any big-headed psychology student will tell you, everything you do is a trademark of your identity, including your pet’s name. Because of this, no matter how simple it seems to pick what goes on your pal’s tacky and uncomfortable collar, the choice you make is a dire commitment to a display of your entire personality.
Cutesy names
(e.g., Princess, Fluffy, Skip)
You were probably a very cute kid when you named your pet after such an adorable noun, or you hold memories of that time very dearly. You love to reminisce about that distant past when your favourite things to do were watch cheaply drawn cartoons, and nag your parents to take you to Toys ‘R’ Us. Sadly, you’re all grown up now and Toys ‘R’ Us is dying. It’s the perfect metaphor for how your childhood innocence has been completely replaced by existential dread — it’s not cute anymore. You often come home to your pet’s hungry face, ready to get into your comfy socks before mutually shoving your faces into respective bags of food, and crying at your reflections in the mirror.
Normal human names
(e.g., Jack, Susan, Kevin)
The past few months of OKCupid dates have been terrible, love is dead in your world, and you desperately need your pet to sound like a roommate, lover, or human family member. The companionship is nice . . . but you definitely lack hobbies and friends, which would make you feel more fulfilled. Pets can be sweethearts, but you just can’t ignore how they are much more likely to dine on your corpse than other non-animal funeral guests. They’re good company and it’s nice to speak to them like an equal, but when people start confusing James for a boyfriend, your social fears will only get deeper, and James alone cannot cure your crippling loneliness.
Pop culture references
(e.g., Maeby, Harley, Jughead)
It takes a lot of ambition and impulsiveness to name your pet after your favorite TV character. Without thinking, you leaped into the responsibility of memorizing a long-winded explanation to regurgitate every single time someone first meets your pet. Despite that annoyance, you feel proud and cultured, and you aren’t afraid to share your passions. It can all be very bittersweet though, considering that every time you look at your pet’s face you shed a tear about how their namesake’s most recent sequel or remake was so disappointing. Thankfully, you probably take better care of your pet than the executive producers did when writing your favourite character.
Food
(e.g., Doughnut, Cinnamon, Chips)
You’re the life of the party and adore attention. People told you growing up that you could be a comedian, and even though you gave up on your dreams, you still maintain that energy in your day-to-day social adventures. Unfortunately, not all of your efforts will garner the laughter you desire, and the people who meet your pet are likely not giggling in delight in the way you hoped. Your social media photos that feature puns and cute sleeping poses may be miniature viral hits, but don’t mistake that for true fame and adoration, loser.
