By: Gene Cole
The studious computer science experts in the SFU Wi-Fi Dungeon have been working hard on systems that are vital to the modern student, but there’s always been a disconnect between the software and the students who use it.
The long-standing SFUNET-SECURE system has been available for use, but many students continue to push the “download later” button on their way to the login page — risking both their Internet safety, and activating the program’s disappointment subroutine. As a result of this blatant rejection, many of the developers were inspired to take action. They’ve now developed a new Wi-Fi login software by the name of “SFUNET-INSECURE.” The software has yet to be infused with entire souls to encourage installations and provide casual friendship, but the new insecure network is far more relatable to students than ever before.
The look of the new network is fairly identical; upon connecting to the SFU Wi-Fi, you will see a very similar login page, but will receive a variety of new technical and empathetic precautions following the terms and conditions.
Along with agreeing to not take legal actions and forfeiting your entire body to the budding SFU Cyborg Student Program, various emotional responses will be expressed by your device depending on your navigation of the login page. If information is input too fast, the software will become anxious with your pace and ask if you’re really OK today, and will verify that you’re confident before hitting the submit button.
When you switch boxes slowly or input passwords incorrectly, it will apologize for its uncertainty and suggest what it thinks you meant, with a hint of passive-aggression — as it emphasizes that it’s “only trying to help.” The result is that SFU students’ devices will now have both the frailty and paranoid energy of a member in your (definitely on-track) group project.
When asked about how these new inputs are processed, current SFU Wi-Fi Dungeon Master Tsai Bourg said that it’s far from artificial intelligence.
“We’ve yet to truly infuse students with technology in the way we’re aiming for,” she ominously declared in a dimly lit interview, “but by digitally copying the anxiety centres of our volunteers, we’ve managed to condense the most fundamental of student emotions.”
In addition, she also teased that an audio update is coming soon which will enable you to hear the network loudly stuttering in fear as you travel between different routers. She also claimed that other new updates would be coming, aside from the already-leaked projects of prototype bionic eyes intended to replace iClickers, and the first-year found crying on campus last week with keyboards embedded in both of their arms.
