It has been five years since Simon Fraser University became the engaged university, and its friends are reportedly starting to fear that the wedding will never happen — the school will remain just a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Douglas College has gathered other friends for an intervention, and they want the university to commit to being more than just ‘engaged.’

“We saw the Facebook notification back in 2012, and we were so happy when Simon said they were engaged,” said Douglas College. “That was back when Kony was our biggest threat, when the whole world was going Gangnam Style.”

“But now, the school just turned 50 last year; they aren’t getting any younger. Are they gonna tie that knot?”

They aren’t the only ones who are concerned, and Capilano is suggesting there might be a bigger issue here.

“Whom are they even engaged to? We’ve all heard it, ‘Oh yeah, SFU is engaged, yes it’s totally real,’ but they’ve never once said whom they’re engaged to. Is it some kind of mysterious partner that lives in Finland? Did they just meet online and are gonna get married once they fly over here? Oh my god, is SFU getting catfished?” asked Cap.

Simon Fraser University has been reported to be ‘hostile’ and ‘oddly defensive’ when asked about their engagement.

“I don’t understand why people can’t take my word when I say something. I would obviously never lie for my own benefit!” exclaimed Simon Fraser University. “Maybe we just want to wait, the economy is in shambles. We’re just going to save up as much money as we can take from students. We’ll commit and take the next step when we know we’re more financially stable than we ever ethically would need to be.”

Douglas College might have an alternate angle, as rumours have been circulating that they have had feelings for Simon Fraser University for a long time, and want to act on it instead of SFU pretending to be engaged when they’re not.

“With the partnership that we see with how many of our students transfer to Simon, we just see so much of ourselves in them. We’ve been close for a while now, and that’s it. Should something happen, that would be nice, but it’s not like we want to be with them. Unless they want to be with us. Did they say something?” asked Douglas College, blushing.

“We know that on the outside, they look brutalist. But when you look deeper, you just see so much potential, you know? Sometimes, all you need is someone special to help you take that leap from turning potential into passion.”

At the time of publication, Douglas College was once again rebuffed by Simon Fraser University for dinner and a movie, with SFU saying they’re spending more time with whomever they are supposedly engaged to.


Leave a Reply