COLUMN | LIST BITCH: Ten thoughts we all had during the presidential debate

Never have I ever seen such a shitshow. This debate left me confused, infuriated, and slightly nauseous. As Canadians, I think most of us were on the same page about this.

  1. Does Trump have a cold? A drug problem? Why the fuck is he sniffling every 0.001 second? Is it just me or are his nostrils shrinking? Is it possibly a sign of his personal metamorphosis into Voldemort?
  2. Poor Lester Holt probably got so drunk on Monday night.
  3. Who wrote Hillary’s speech? She sounds like a fourth grade speech contestant. That being said, props to her for actually preparing for the debate instead of winging it in a manner dangerously similar to picking “C” for every question on a midterm you didn’t prepare for (looking at you, Donald).
  4. Is Trump’s favourite debate strategy seriously going to continue being “classic patriarchy”? Interrupt, yell a little, and interrupt some more. God forbid a woman has a thought worth sharing. I never could have foreseen such blatant sexism, classism, and racism being so socially acceptable that it’s aired at a debate. Good job, America.
  5. The disgust Trump has for taxes is alarming. Newsflash, TAXES PAY FOR MUCH-NEEDED SOCIAL SERVICES.
  6. Does Trump think scowling looks presidential? Would it kill him to at least try to look like a decent human being?
  7. Is hyper-masculine Trump aware that Clinton’s hands are bigger than his? Somewhere Marco Rubio is laughing at his own small penis jokes.
  8. Trump would be the one to continually suggest “stop and frisk” as a necessary security measure — fucking pervert.
  9. The real drinking game for this debate should have been “one shot every time Trump interrupts Clinton” — 51 times for the folks keeping track at home. But don’t worry, America: Trump’s “strongest asset” is his “temperament,” clearly.
  10. The United States is doomed.