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If SFU were like an RPG . . .

1) Research assignments and expeditions would be all the more adventurous to take part in!

2) Costly building renovations could be completed simply by getting the school a new graphics card.

3) Stealing people’s belongings would become even easier (especially in the men’s locker room).

4) The collection of classroom credits would still be exhausting, but you would finally be afforded the opportunity to duel that asshole from calculus tutorial.

5) Even with different options to choose from, dialogue between classroom peers would still probably feel very one-dimensional and contrived.

6) Skipping through a terrible lecture could be achieved by pressing “A” repeatedly.

7) Map waypoints would save you the trouble of getting lost all the time.

8) Instead of starting your undergraduate degree with money and having debt by the end, you could start your degree with nothing and accumulate a fortune as you go.

9) All the egregious mistakes and glitches caused by the course selection process could be fixed with a patch from the main architects themselves (that is, if they feel like releasing one).

10) In one fashion or another, an old white guy would still probably end up being your main antagonist.

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SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague

By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Investigator The following is a satirical and fictional commentary.  Oh boy, do we have some juicy tea for you. Have you ever wanted to say, “Fuck the system!” and chug some milk while your boss has his back turned? Way to go, you sabotaging legend. But what if I told you an SFU employee stole $200,000 from the university to fund a luxury vacation to the Pochonos? How would you feel then?  An SFU employee, Jane Doe, has allegedly done just that. The Peak spoke to a staff member of the academic and administrative services office to learn more.  We will refer to the staff member as Madge to protect her identity. Madge volunteered information to the publication when a member of The Peak...

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SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague

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