Pessimists everywhere rejoiced, “I guess it’s better late than never” last week when Facebook announced it would soon be introducing the much-demanded “dislike” button. On the one hand we’re all one step closer to being able to publicly shame amateur foodies who post their lunch on the daily; on the other hand, Zuckerberg and co. are about to pull back the floodgates of disapproval that could, somehow, make the Internet an even more of a negative space.
Regardless, the announcement shows that Facebook is occasionally open to hearing what their users want, so I’m hoping some of these suggestions pick up momentum. Here are six other kinds of buttons that Facebook should consider adding to their ever-expanding roster.
A “LIKE like” button: if we’re being honest here, about 60 per cent of what happens on Facebook can be directly traced back to someone trying to get with someone else on their friends list. It’s a frenzy of casual flirting mixed with 21st-century technology that could do with a little simplifying — enter the “LIKE like” button. With this, you’ll have the option of letting your crush know your intentions without the forwardness of having to send a dick or clit pic.
A “good show, m’boy” button: similar to the “like” button but slightly classier, and therefore more meaningful.
A “like from a family member” button: equal parts “like” button and privacy control, this button would give your post another like but then immediately disable the comments for that user, so no aging family member spams you with ill-placed questions or publicly shames you for not calling your aunt more — which you really should, you know.
A “sarcastic like” button: the only thing more powerful than sincerity is when it’s a sincere form of sarcasm. Humble-brag posts, statuses where a person refers to their pet as a son or daughter, cliched political posts or generic calls for change, these are just a few of the scenarios where a “sarcastic like” button would come in handy.
A “pushing your buttons” button: it’s highly improbable that every person on your Facebook friends list actually qualifies for such an esteemed descriptor, but it’s 2015 and we’ll just have to accept that some dinguses have made it onto your list. That’s why I’m proposing a “pushing your buttons” button, the perfect button for passive-aggressively letting someone know how you really feel without saying how you really feel. Of course this button wouldn’t be entirely self-sufficient and would have to be accompanied by several paragraphs’ worth of text that you spent too long working on, but at least it’s a start.
A “poke” button: can you imagine if Facebook had a “poke” button? What a world we would be living in! People would be able to “poke” their friends, and then when their friend signs on there would be a little notification saying they had been “poked.” You could go back and forth, poking each other, but you could only poke a person once until they’ve poked you back. It sounds complicated, but trust me when I say this would become the most popular, most used feature on all of Facebook!