From the bottom is best
By Max Hill
Today, I’m going to change your life. Yes, you, reading this article on the bus, in a lecture hall, waiting for your food to arrive in the Highland Pub. You know that feeling you get when you realize you’ve been doing something one way your whole life, when there was a better way out there all along? Well, fasten your seatbelt. Here we go.
You should open your banana from the bottom.
“Open your banana from the bottom?” you may say. “But that’s counterintuitive! It’s countercultural! My mother taught me to open my banana from the top — are you calling my mother a liar?” Now, now. Take a deep breath. Have you ever tried opening a banana this way?
That’s what I thought. Next time you get hold of one of these tropical fruits, give it a try. There are some clear advantages to this method that will make sure you never open a banana from the stem again.
Possibly the biggest advantage of the bottom pinch method: no stringy bits! You know those gross, shoelace-resembling growths that you get when you open a banana the ‘normal’ way? Well, thanks to this method, those stringy monstrosities will peel away along with the banana’s outer skin, leaving the mushy, delicious interior completely intact.
But that’s not all — gone are the frustrations of trying to open a banana and simply pulling off the stem, leaving the inside still encased in its bright yellow shell. As long as you give the bottom a good pinch, nothing can stand between you and your healthy snack. No more sore wrists or stray stems.
This is also the way monkeys, who are certainly bigger banana experts than you or I, open up their fruit of choice. Are you trying to tell me you know bananas better than a monkey?
There are, of course, further alternate methods to opening bananas: some split theirs in half, while others use a knife to slice theirs into quarters. This, of course, is quite all right — everyone should be able to open their banana as they please. But if you’re looking for the fastest, easiest, and objectively best method, the answer is obvious. Bottoms up!
From the top is only natural
By Joel MacKenzie
It’s only natural to open up bananas with the stem, or the ‘open here’ handle, attached to the tip. The purpose of this natural handle couldn’t be more obvious if had a Pull Me sign attached to it (which some, such as my nature-opposed opponent, might require).
This fruit should be, nay, must be opened from this natural point of entry. When pulled away from its curve, the stem easily strips one third of the fruit, and allows for the bottom, the natural bottom, the bottom that nature chose, to rest in the hand comfortably.
A banana’s shape, along with having its own handle from which to open, is the strongest argument that I know of thus far in favour of the world being created by divine coincidence and evolution. The banana was destined for ape-like hands, and destined to be opened at the handle. You’re not going to argue against the logic of atheism and evolution, are you?
Speaking of bipedal mammals, yes, monkeys apparently open bananas from the bottom. That’s okay, for monkeys. That’s not okay for another species entirely. That’s not okay for a species capable of language, of understanding our own lives, our own deaths, and our own fruits. It may be the monkey’s opinion that bananas should be opened from the bottom, but it’s also many a monkey’s opinion that feces are suitable throwing ammunition. Still siding with the monkeys?
But if you still side with this Max character, let’s dissect the main crux of his argument. He says that pulling a banana from the top encourages little strings to conflict with banana nirvana. I say he, and sympathizers, are eating all wrong. If there are tough strings attached to your banana, you’re probably a green banana-eater, as your banana is probably still green. Give it a week to get a couple of brown spots, for its flavour to mature, and for it to be ready, not chalky and slimy.
And try opening up a banana from the bottom. Try and be met with a brown, hard, chalky tab that just screams “Don’t eat me this way!” How much clearer could it be?
Friends, do what nature, science, and evolution want you to do. Nay, do what they need you to. Open a banana from the handle.
