I haven’t always been comfortable asking for what I want. For most of my teenage years, sex was something I just didn’t really talk about — with friends, maybe, but certainly not with a partner. I had been taught that sex was a language of passion, and not the time for actual language. Why ruin the moment by talking?
It took several failed relationships and lacklustre lays before I learned that open communication — in the bedroom and outside of it — is the most important part of a healthy sexual relationship with another person or persons. Whether it’s a one night stand, a friends with benefits situation, or a boring, meat-and-potatoes monogamous relationship (count me in the third category), the absolute best thing you can do to spice up your sex life is to tell the person with whom you’re having sex what you want — and ask them to do the same.
We learn from movies, TV shows, and yes, porn, to expect an idealized, picture perfect version of sex that pretty much doesn’t exist at all. Let’s be honest here. Real life sex hardly lives up to the glamour and grace we tend to see performed in films, whether PG-13 or NC-17. People’s bodies make funny noises, some positions just don’t work out the way you’d like them to, and no one is a mind reader. These hyper stylized representations of sex and sexuality are fun in moderation, but they betray the reality of sex: sometimes, it’s messy.
Open communication is the most important part of a healthy sexual relationship with another person.
What I eventually learned — once my mental image of the glistening, grunting, piano music in the background version of sex had fallen flat — was that the best way to get what you want out of a sexual relationship is to just go right out and ask for it. The truth is, no matter how emotionally connected you are with another person (or how much you want to bang them), no one knows your own body better than you do.
Now, I’m comfortable talking about any and all decisions I make in the bedroom with my significant other, and both of us end up safer, happier and more satisfied knowing we’re providing the best experience possible for each other.
At first, it wasn’t easy. I felt embarrassed and nervous to talk about my sexual appetites — what I liked, what I didn’t like, what I wanted to change or wanted to try — because I felt like I would be insulting my partner, or making them uncomfortable. The best advice I can give to those feeling the same way I did is to start slow: try to make your partner feel included, while being as honest and upfront as possible.
To make sex an open conversation, you have to break the ice: start by complimenting your partner, crack a joke, and make sure the tone is playful and unserious. (Unless, of course, you’re into serious.)
Opening the lines of communication in a sexual relationship, even if there’s no emotional side there, is also a valuable factor in establishing consent. You’ve probably heard consent being discussed before, but it’s a more nuanced concept than many people realize: giving your consent means that you’re a willing participant in a sexual activity. And consent isn’t only expressed verbally: it can also change based on someone’s level of inebriation, their body language, and a host of other factors.
Even if you’re in a relationship with someone, that doesn’t necessarily guarantee consent — it’s never okay to engage in any sort of sexual activity with someone who expresses any sort of unwillingness, or is unable to consent for any reason.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable in any way, speak up; if you’re not sure that your partner is consenting, check in with them and ask if they like what you’re doing. Consent is one of your most valuable tools in a sexual relationship, because it’s yours (and only yours) to give and to take away.
In the same vein, talking about how best to protect yourselves from STIs and pregnancy is the best way to ensure both you and your partner feel totally secure when you’re getting down to business. Not a fan of the pill? Talk it out. Latex condoms giving you a rash? Chat about a solution. The dreaded STI conversation isn’t the sexiest one you’ll have in your life, but it will lead to plenty more sexiness down the road — mostly because there’s nothing steamier than feeling completely safe and protected when you’re doing the deed.
Ultimately, talking with your partner (or partners) is the best way to make sure that you’re getting everything you want out of your sex life. Who doesn’t like to be told what they’re doing is good — or not so good, for that matter? I don’t know about you, but for me, few things are sexier than being told exactly what a partner wants in the sack, and being able to provide that for them.
Sex can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people, but all sex has one thing in common: it should be enjoyable! Take it from me: the best way to make all of your fantasies come true — and to help make your partner’s come true, too — is to talk about them. Screw politesse: let’s talk about sex!
