zach siddiqui
Friends social distance by walking in giant “body walls” occupying whole sidewalk
July 5, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor VANCOUVER, BC — An increasing number of Vancouverites are keeping contact to a minimum by forming “body walls” as they walk down the street, repelling others who might approach. “No one will bother coming near us if we destroy all hope of pedestrian movement in this direction,” says Rudy Walker. Body walls are traditionally formed by assembling a group of friends to walk in a horizontal line, connecting the two sides of the sidewalk. The body wall phenomenon, according to health experts, can happen “anywhere infested with self-serving, Tindered-out millennials” and therefore especially in…
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The five love languages of Canvas
July 5, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Trouble in remote paradise? Can’t find happiness in your lifelong commitment? Fret no more. If you and Canvas just can’t communicate with one another, there’s a simple possibility: you don’t know your Canvas love…
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Grad students grapple with lack of U-Pass as labs reopen
July 1, 2020Written by: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor With labs reopening and the suspension of the U-Pass program, many grad students are facing additional costs on account of transportation, according to Matt McDonald, Director of External Relations at SFU’s Graduate Student Society…
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QUIZ: Should you add your sleep paralysis demon to your social bubble?
June 30, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor 1. With whom else does your sleep paralysis demon spend his time? a) No one, he promised me he doesn’t even follow hot people on Instagram anymore b) His fellow…
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Students excited for Canvas discussion that has absolutely nothing to do with the class
June 26, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Students enrolled in ENGL 190: Misc. Studies in Literature are abuzz with anticipation as they await this Thursday: the next weekly online Canvas discussion, which once again will have absolutely no connection to the…
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Man texts “I miss you” to favourite public washroom, promises to hang out soon
June 9, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor PORT MOODY, BC — On Saturday, Walter Tangke, a sociology major at SFU, decided to take a moment to check on his favourite public washroom over text message. “Miss ur porcelain [sic],” he typed.…
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“We are open for business”: SFU co-op adapts to a COVID-19 summer
June 9, 2020Written by: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Over the past few months, the COVID-19 outbreak has caused complications for SFU co-op programs, including cancelled and postponed placements. Angelica Baniqued’s lab-based co-op term was at first delayed indefinitely, leaving her in a…
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QUIZ: Do you have a Snap Streak or do you respect yourself?
June 3, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor How old are you? a) Baby b) Bewildered How susceptible are you to peer pressure? a) Shine bright like a diamond, shine bright like a diamond . . . b) I communicate boundaries in…
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“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm,” man coos at decorative candles
June 3, 2020Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor “People are always criticizing me for buying things I don’t need,” says Sean. “But it’s not about whether I need these candles; it’s about letting these candles know that they need themselves.” Sean’s house…
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“I miss my sisters,” says treasurer who can’t defraud her sorority anymore
May 25, 2020By: Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor BURNABY, BC — Gracie O’Brien, a fourth year economics student at SFU, reported in several of her group chats this week that she was really missing her sorority sisters in Iota Omicron Upsilon (IOU). As…
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