Satire
“We apologize for the accidental police raid on what was revealed to be just a neighbourhood sex dungeon”
September 21, 2015Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for attending this press conference on such short notice. There’s been a lot of chatter and rumours circulating on social media, and we figured it was better to address the recent events directly than have the actual facts get lost in translation. At approximately 8:15 p.m. last night, while acting on an anonymous tip about possible human trafficking, local law enforcement executed a raid on the basement suite of a Burnaby residence. After announcing their presence to the suite’s inhabitants, several officers claim to have heard giddyish noises, followed by the door unlocking from the…
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Button options Facebook should consider adding next
September 21, 2015Pessimists everywhere rejoiced, “I guess it’s better late than never” last week when Facebook announced it would soon be introducing the much-demanded “dislike” button. On the one hand we’re all one step closer to being able to publicly shame amateur…
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An interview with 2020 presidential candidate Kanye West
September 14, 2015Understandably, rapper Kanye West’s announcement to run for president in 2020 has elicited some strong responses. While not the most ridiculous thing to ever happen at a MTV Video Music Awards, it’s definitely up there. The Peak was able to…
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HUMOUR: SFU Bookstore now accepting bribes to cut long line waits
September 8, 2015The first week of classes can be a tumultuous affair for students at Simon Fraser — a fate made all the more torturous by excessive line waits to purchase textbooks. However, starting this semester at the Burnaby Campus, line supervisors…
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HUMOUR: Previously-hidden N.W.A. member seeking recognition after Straight Outta Compton film success
September 8, 2015A previously-unknown member of iconic hip-hop group N.W.A. has come forward, following the group’s resurfacing in the public eye. The announcement comes just after N.W.A. biopic Straight Outta Compton spent its first three consecutive weekends in first place at the…
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HUMOUR: Ash’s Squirtle called out of retirement to help battle BC wildfires
July 21, 2015With over 200 wildfires (as of print time) currently blazing across British Columbia, the provincial government has called Ash Ketchum’s Squirtle out of retirement to help combat the growing numbers. A once prominent member of the Pokémon trainer’s roster, Ash’s…
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HUMOUR: The Peak’s guide to camping
July 20, 2015It’s that time of year again: the season made for exploring the great outdoors and going camping. (At least that’s what Canadian Tire commercials have taught us. No one currently employed at The Peak has ever actually been camping.) If…
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HUMOUR: Guadalupe to wrap things up later this month, make way for Taco Bell
July 13, 2015The battle for total corporate domination at SFU Burnaby has claimed another victim: last week, beloved food kiosk Guadalupe Handmade Burritos made an announcement that after a short but illustrious run, they will be packing in their beans, guacamole, and…
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This article is about nothing
June 29, 2015Why are you reading this? I already told you this article was about nothing. It’s in the headline for Christ’s sake. Were you really expecting to see a headline like that and then read an article that’s about anything more…
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HUMOUR: Delta plans shutdown of Alex Fraser Bridge for Magic: The Gathering tournament
June 22, 2015Shortly after the cancellation of the widely criticised ‘Om the Bridge,’ another familiar politician, Delta mayor Lois Jackson, announced that the city will be shutting down a different Lower Mainland bridge for a trading card game tournament. “The City of Delta is…
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