Why are you reading this? I already told you this article was about nothing. It’s in the headline for Christ’s sake. Were you really expecting to see a headline like that and then read an article that’s about anything more than nothing? In what kind of a crazy world does that make sense?!

Still reading, huh? That’s cool. I’ve got all the time in the world to not have an overarching thesis or narrative to this article. I don’t have anywhere pressing to be. You might as well just quit reading and check out some of the newspaper’s other content. Did you know The Peak interviewed Vancouver comedian Graham Clark for this same issue? Bet that would be a fun read. You should probably just go check out that article and leave this poor, meaningless faux-article to be in peace.

Really? Well, you’re obviously not a reader who listens to logic, so maybe some reverse psychology will do the trick: don’t stop reading this article. Keep going until the very end, absorbing every word you can, and then finish the article, left only to crave more. You’re someone who’s just finished running a marathon and these words are your oxygen — breathe it all in.

Okay fine, you win. This article’s about something. It’s breaking news, and The Peak has an exclusive: just this week, an article about nothing confused and confounded readers who felt like they were entitled to read about something, even when they were warned that nothing awaited them at the end of everything.

When asked to comment on the non-phenomenon, Peak Humour Editor Jacey Gibb claims the piece originally came from the idea of writing an article about absolutely nothing. Gibb went on to suggest that he might have been trying to prove a point about how information-hungry and untrusting readers are of that exact same information, but later confirmed that any moral to the article would have defeated the purpose of its existence in the first place.