“We apologize for the accidental police raid on what was revealed to be just a neighbourhood sex dungeon”

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Illustration by Janis McMath

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for attending this press conference on such short notice. There’s been a lot of chatter and rumours circulating on social media, and we figured it was better to address the recent events directly than have the actual facts get lost in translation.

At approximately 8:15 p.m. last night, while acting on an anonymous tip about possible human trafficking, local law enforcement executed a raid on the basement suite of a Burnaby residence. After announcing their presence to the suite’s inhabitants,  several officers claim to have heard giddyish noises, followed by the door unlocking from the inside.

The darkness upon initial entrance of the basement provided the perfect cover for any surprise attacks, so our officers were on edge. The only light provided was reportedly from dozens of candles lit around the suite and a fluorescent XXX sign hanging on the wall, which one officer mistook for some form of human trafficking crest.

Initial reports claimed that one civilian life was lost during the raid — when an officer yelled to a figure across the room to get down on his hands and knees, to no response, and then proceeded to open fire — but shortly after it was confirmed the civilian was only a Tom Selleck blow-up sex doll. Unfortunately, plastic reconstructive specialists brought in following the raid were unable to save the doll, and it passed away.

Thankfully no one was seriously injured during the incident, other than those who were already residing in the sex dungeon before and had been intentionally harmed while in pursuit of an orgasm. One officer is claiming that he accidentally used a bottle of pepper spray on a victim, but they were reportedly into it, so there’s no real harm done.

In total, four individuals and eight nipples were released/unclamped before officers clued in that something was, and this is a quote taken directly from the official report, “off about the place.” An officer said the first sign that something was amiss came when he removed a ball gag from a supposed hostage’s mouth, only to have the handcuffed individual tell the officer that he was, and this is another direct quote, “really harshing the vibe in the room.”

After the failed raid, we learned that the anonymous source had indeed come from a previously frequent goer of the neighbourhood sex dungeon — someone by the name of Andrew Fowler — but that Fowler had recently been banned for life for breaking the dungeons’ “no cursing” policy.

At this time we’re asking all media outlets to please be respectful of those negatively affected by the police raid, as well as those officers who now have the term “sex dungeon” appear as a suggestion when you try to Google their names. I can confirm that a few of the officers involved in the raid are now being treated for PTSD, or Platonic Trauma Sex Dungeon syndrome, but everyone is expected to make a full recovery.