HUMOUR
PR-lady from athletics department holds mandatory teach-in on why football is problematic
January 5, 2026By: An unsuspecting student I was walking to the bus loop after a long day of classes when a shadowy pink and yellow figure suddenly appeared out of nowhere. A bag was then shoved over my head and my hands were zip-tied together. All I could smell was Chanel No. 10 Eau de Toxique Florale Gaz — don’t ask me how I know. The next thing I knew, I felt myself being pulled in all directions and down endless steps before finally coming to a stop. I heard a door creak open eerily. Someone then grabbed my shoulders and plopped…
Continue reading
Vancouver’s SkyTrain is now Bitcoin-powered
January 5, 2026By: Ashi, senior writer for imaginary infrastructure In a move described by aides as “inevitable, visionary, and definitely not a parody of governance,” mayor Ken Sim announced Thursday that Vancouver’s SkyTrain system is soon to be powered entirely by Bitcoin.…
Continue reading
Survival guide: post-holiday edition
January 5, 2026By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva After the holidays, everything sucks. I love the part of winter when all I do is stuff my face with carbs and cocktails, because, well, it’s carbs and cocktail time. However, now that the holiday…
Continue reading
Ice Spice deserves an Oscar for “Big Guy”
January 5, 2026By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor and Official Song Reviewer “Stop playing with ’em, Riot” are the last words that moviegoers hear before being blessed with the lyrical mastery of American rapper Ice Spice in the latest SpongeBob movie, “The SpongeBob…
Continue reading
The Clausgate Scandal: How Big Beverage tried to cancel Christmas
December 20, 2025By: Zainab Salam, Reporter in Hiding By the time the headline “Santa Claus Hates Everyone” ricocheted across the internet and news outlets, the world had already begun cancelling Christmas. Children sobbed into their half-eaten gingerbread men. Christmas influencers rebranded as…
Continue reading
The dialectic nature of brunch as a form of resistance in a post-constructivist, Maoist, anti-rhizomatic context, as prescribed by bottomless Buddy Burgers
December 19, 2025By: Mason Mattu, Critical Brunch Scholar Acknowledgements: Thank you to A&W Canada for sponsoring this delicious research paper. You can buy a Buddy Burger for only a penny with the coupon code: TheA&WGuySentMe. To brunch is to rebel. To eat…
Continue reading
The Peak makes record-breaking sales after adding 43 variants of their editions, including the ultra-fan-favourite: Rare glitter edition
December 19, 2025By: Veronica Richards, SFU Student Why read the news when you could collect it? The Peak is coming off the press with 43 new variants of next week’s edition, and you could get your hands on an exclusive version. Don’t…
Continue reading
I give a guy a chance . . . and look what happened
December 19, 2025By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva I just got back from a date, and . . . wow. There might be a lot of fish in the sea, but damn, the sea is POLLUTED. This guy was a nightmare! He picked…
Continue reading
How long will Carney’s government last? We asked a tea leaf reader
December 19, 2025By: Ashi, Multiverse 538.10.1.4’s top-grossing divinator How long will this government survive? Read on to find out! Remember to follow my TikTok for exclusive digital palm reading. Hiiii, lovelies! Welcome back to my Federal Future Forecast Series, where I ask…
Continue reading
Horoscopes are back
December 18, 2025By: Katie Walkley, Peak Associate Aries (March 21–April 19) Go lay in grandma’s lap, tough guy. You deserve it. If you don’t have a grandma, any scruffy-looking dog will do. It’s gotta be scruffy, though. Taurus (April 20–May 20) Stars…
Continue reading
