HUMOUR
The Clausgate Scandal: How Big Beverage tried to cancel Christmas
December 20, 2025By: Zainab Salam, Reporter in Hiding By the time the headline “Santa Claus Hates Everyone” ricocheted across the internet and news outlets, the world had already begun cancelling Christmas. Children sobbed into their half-eaten gingerbread men. Christmas influencers rebranded as “seasonally ambivalent creators.” One particular parenting blogger recommended replacing Santa with a “more emotionally available snowman,” noting that Frosty at least “shows up when he says he will and respects boundaries.” But as any good investigative publication knows, when a story smells fishy, it usually isn’t because of herring snacks at the North Pole. And so began our descent into…
Continue reading
The dialectic nature of brunch as a form of resistance in a post-constructivist, Maoist, anti-rhizomatic context, as prescribed by bottomless Buddy Burgers
December 19, 2025By: Mason Mattu, Critical Brunch Scholar Acknowledgements: Thank you to A&W Canada for sponsoring this delicious research paper. You can buy a Buddy Burger for only a penny with the coupon code: TheA&WGuySentMe. To brunch is to rebel. To eat…
Continue reading
The Peak makes record-breaking sales after adding 43 variants of their editions, including the ultra-fan-favourite: Rare glitter edition
December 19, 2025By: Veronica Richards, SFU Student Why read the news when you could collect it? The Peak is coming off the press with 43 new variants of next week’s edition, and you could get your hands on an exclusive version. Don’t…
Continue reading
I give a guy a chance . . . and look what happened
December 19, 2025By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Diva I just got back from a date, and . . . wow. There might be a lot of fish in the sea, but damn, the sea is POLLUTED. This guy was a nightmare! He picked…
Continue reading
How long will Carney’s government last? We asked a tea leaf reader
December 19, 2025By: Ashi, Multiverse 538.10.1.4’s top-grossing divinator How long will this government survive? Read on to find out! Remember to follow my TikTok for exclusive digital palm reading. Hiiii, lovelies! Welcome back to my Federal Future Forecast Series, where I ask…
Continue reading
Horoscopes are back
December 18, 2025By: Katie Walkley, Peak Associate Aries (March 21–April 19) Go lay in grandma’s lap, tough guy. You deserve it. If you don’t have a grandma, any scruffy-looking dog will do. It’s gotta be scruffy, though. Taurus (April 20–May 20) Stars…
Continue reading
Starbucks CEO addresses store closures and layoffs
December 18, 2025By: Persephone Alexander, Your CEO’s Underpaid Secretary Subject: Brewing Change Together: A message from the heart of your dear CEO Dear Starbucks Partners (and soon to be “former partners” — semantics, really), I hope this message finds you well, or…
Continue reading
SFU employee spills the tea about her embezzlement-obsessed colleague
December 8, 2025By: Noeka Nimmervoll, Staff Investigator The following is a satirical and fictional commentary. Oh boy, do we have some juicy tea for you. Have you ever wanted to say, “Fuck the system!” and chug some milk while your boss has…
Continue reading
SCARY STORIES: Vampire spotted at the Bennett Library
November 11, 2025By: Gurnoor Jhajj, SFU Student and Mason Mattu, Humour Editor It all went down before a history midterm, on the sixth floor of the library. I was going over my notes, double-fisting two coffees and an energy drink, when I…
Continue reading
BEEDIE BRO: Ghosts, goblins, ghouls, and great investment opportunities
November 11, 2025By: Lucaiah Smith-Miodownik, Entrepreneur Yes, I still go trick-or-treating, just not for the candy. What a lot of people without the Beedie mindset don’t realize is that Halloween is the perfect networking opportunity. See, while everyone else is going door…
Continue reading
