Horoscopes
Your weekly SFU horoscopes: September 23–29
September 23, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Your superiority complex is in full blossom. And you need to manifest it. Irritate your sketchiest, most unstable friend until they lop off your head and impale it on a stick, Lord of the Flies style, looming from the height of SFU’s tallest tower. The entire campus will bear witness to your glory, and you’ll ascend to the blazing throne Satan abdicated when he started sitting in on SFU history seminars. Taurus — April 20–May 20 September’s ending, you morally besieged belugas. Green Day can’t protect you anymore. Wake…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: September 16 – 22
September 16, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 Your reputation of blood, guts, and rage follows you everywhere. What you need this week is a publicity stunt to change your image. Head off to the fire pits in…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: September 9–15
September 9, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries Falling asleep on Burnaby Mountain is risky this week. You might find yourself sleepwalking across campus while dreaming of Build SFU manager Clark von Taine. Right when he faux-affably giggles at your incredulity…
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Your weekly SFU horoscopes: September 2–8
September 3, 2019Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor Aries — March 21–April 19 This week you’ll be tested emotionally. You’ll meet your professors and know instantly that they all bluffed their way through grad school. Trust your gut instincts. Just set fire…
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SFU Horoscopes
November 18, 2018Written by: Winona Young and Aaron Richardson Terry Fox’s Sweet Sweet ‘do | January 10 - February 8 A real hero | Goes the extra mile | Everyone’s favourite, You’re the one who everyone can’t help but love. You’ve had your…
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HUMOUR: Horoscopes: November 9–15
November 9, 2015Aries (March 21 to April 19): You’ve been working hard all week, so take some time to chillax. Do something fun, preferably leisureful — and no, studying to get ahead in your course reading isn’t considered “fun” by normal people.…
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Horoscope it out!
April 11, 2013Aries (March 21 – April 20) Yep, this is where your astrological fortune would be, if Aries didn’t see you eyeing those slutty tarot cards last week. You know they’ve told practically everyone’s fortune, right? Taurus (April 21 – May…
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Horoscopes
November 5, 2012Aries (March 21 – April 20) Avoid looking a gift horse in the mouth this week, as horses’ mouths are pretty gross. Taurus (April 21 – May 21) Look, it’s not Taurus’s fault that buying those lottery tickets didn’t pan…
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Horoscopes: October 1, 2012
October 1, 2012Aries (March 21 – April 20) This week will go to show that you can’t keep running from your problems forever; instead try driving at high speeds around corners. Taurus (April 21 – May 21) Good news! This week you’ll…
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Horoscopes: Sept 17, 2012
September 17, 2012Aries (March 21— April 20) The average person swallows 10 spiders a week in their sleep. Looks like you're going to have an above-average week! Taurus (April 21 – May 21) They say that life imitates art; someone is going…
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