Aries (March 21 to April 19): You’ve been working hard all week, so take some time to chillax. Do something fun, preferably leisureful — and no, studying to get ahead in your course reading isn’t considered “fun” by normal people. Calm down with some Netflix, a nice nap, and maybe get wrecked at the Highland Pub tonight.
Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Feeling nostalgic, Taurus? The alignment of Pluto this week means it’s an optimal time to call up an old friend. . . unless the old friend you’re thinking of is a total ass-wipe, which is why you let them go in the first place. If so, it’s okay to ignore Pluto just this one time and not call them; they’re an old friend, Taurus.
Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Lucky for you, Venus has decided that you’re going to get laid this week. So use SFU’s Party Calendar to raise the roof at a super hip uni party and find yourself a good-looking human!
Cancer (June 21 to July 22): I suggest you start living your life to the fullest, because your astrology sign says it all, man. It says it all.
Leo (July 23 to August 22): Whenever I hear “Leo” I think of how there was totally room for two people on that floating door wood for Jack Dawson. I’m talking to you, Rose! So I guess I’m trying to say. . . sharing is good. #titanic
Virgo (August 23 to September 22): If you looked into the mirror this morning and said, “Why am I so uuugly?,” let me tell you something: today, you are not ugly. If you were a bird, you’d be a swan. Fluff your fluffy feathers and prepare those mating calls.
Libra (September 23 to October 22): This is the part where I give financial advice by recommending ways for you to save your money. But hey, you guys aren’t the only students with money troubles. All of us uni students have money troubles. You can barely afford your textbooks, let alone tuition. You have no money with which I can advise you about.
Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Sometimes when you wanna travel, the plane crashes and you get stuck on, like, Mars or something. And despite your resourcefulness and your loyal character, I’d rather not be stuck in a desert with a venomous predator.
Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): You’re a freaking centaur. You don’t need advice. Nobody tells you what to do. You do your own thing, horse-human. You’re the bomb, and that will never change.
Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Because the stars of our solar system won’t always align in your favour, try to avoid saying “when I graduate” and stick to more open-ended terminology, like “if I graduate.” Life is more fun when it’s not so strictly defined.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Uranus has been feeling a bit off these days. Perhaps it’s all the macchiatos and Red Bulls you’ve been chugging down to keep you bright-eyed and awake for your exams. Stay near a toilet.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Hey, little fishy. I know you’re feeling lonely these days because of that stormy breakup, but Neptune and its moons have come together to move Earth’s seven oceans, mixing things up a bit. Swim, little fishy, for there are other cute and charming chordates in the sea.