Written by: Winona Young and Aaron Richardson
Terry Fox’s Sweet Sweet ‘do | January 10 – February 8
A real hero | Goes the extra mile | Everyone’s favourite,
You’re the one who everyone can’t help but love. You’ve had your fair share of struggles in life, but you’ve persevered. There’s really nothing to joke about. You’re just awesome.
The 145 that always comes for you | February 9 – March 7
Kinda smelly | Has personal space issues | Back entrance always open
You’re always there for everyone, even if you show up a little late or a little early (and a little smelly because you forgot to put on deodorant). Venus is in retrograde, so while others may call you easy for letting anybody be with you, you’re actually super welcoming! You may feel a little lonely so people hit you up when they need something, but don’t worry — you’ll find your ride-or-die homies soon.
An unopened textbook | March 8 – April 6
Pure and naive | Hopes to not be returned to the bookstore | Few ever get to know who they are on the inside
People never think much of you. But there is a lot people don’t know. They look at you and think that there’s not much more than what they can see. But if they only tried to get to know you, they might get a better grade on their final exam.
A parking spot on Burnaby campus | April 7 – May 5
Likes friends with money | Difficult to get to know | Can get you tickets | Gets used by everyone
Everyone loves you, and tries to meet up with you early in the morning. Usually, by around noon, your plans for the day are booked. Everyone tries to take advantage of you and use you without giving you anything in return. When you get annoyed and get them in trouble for it, they get really mad. But they always come back. They need you, but they’ll never admit it.
Mysterious koi in the pond | May 6 – June 4
Everyone wants to touch them | Will only interact with you once they’ve been fed | Very shiny | Literally a fish
Be sure to stay hydrated, because everyone is absolutely thirsty for you. Between all your classes that are exclusively in the AQ and your lunch dates with people at Mackenzie Café, try socializing with others outside of food. You’re a breath of fresh air, and quite literally one of the only living things on this campus.
Two back-to-back exams | June 5 – July 3
Will drive you insane | Will ask you questions you are not prepared for | Full of coffee and tears
You are perhaps everyone’s worst nightmare. You know how to make people cry at a moment’s notice, and are capable of making people burst into sweat and/or tears purely from the stress of being around you. You love the power, and use it at every opportunity.
A TA’s lonely office hour | July 4 – August 2
A bit of a grump | Always wants to help people despite no one ever asking | Can’t read your writing
It’s hard being a one-man wolf pack, and you’d know this better than anyone, being lonely and all in your cave. But don’t get too salty about your unpopularity — keep your chin up and remember your worth, because you are definitely not paid enough to put up with this shit.
An Avocado hookup | August 3 – September 1
Likes to live dangerously | Nicknamed Tinderella | Probably a first year
Reckless is your middle name (or maybe Chad, or Valerie — both are equally horny). Venus smiles down on you because you’re about to get the Tinder matches of a lifetime. And even though you have the impulse control of a first year, you’ve got hella stories to tell at Sunday brunches.
The unfinished SUB | September 2 – September 30
Talks big | Definitely overcompensating | Would totally re-elect Jas Randhawa
Your friends talk you up so much that, by the time people actually meet you, they’re always disappointed. No one knows when you plan to arrive at parties, but it’s safe to assume you’re going to be late. You regularly overbook your schedule, which forces you to cancel plans you had previously promised other people. You regularly get other people to pay for your expenses.
The wild Baby Chain-gangs | October 1 – October 29
Really annoying | Very loud | Why are they at university? | You’re jealous that they get to act out and scream in public
Although you are often described as the “baby” of your group, you are more accurately described as the “screaming herd of babies.” People are actively confused why you are constantly in their space, and try to ignore the annoying sounds you make every time they see you.
A paper handed in at 11:59 p.m. | October 30 – November 28
Really sloppy | Always has an excuse | Isn’t ever actually late but is always just barely on time
Your Tinder pic says hot, while your demeanor at 11:55pm says hot mess. You’re a real go-getter, and you’re never ashamed to get those brownie points by sucking up to your prof right before an exam. Constantly crafting excuses has turned you into quite the smooth-talker.
The neglected campuses of Surrey and Vancouver | November 29 – December 27
Hangs out at the mall | Actually really cool but no one cares about them very much | #underappreciated
You are a really cool and interesting person, who has a lot of value and is very fun to hang out with. Unfortunately, people don’t really give a shit about you. You have a small group of friends you regularly spend time with, and they always try to tell other people how nice you are. But barely anyone ever believes them, and even fewer take the time to get to know you.
13th Horoscope: President Andrew Petter himself | December 28 – January 9 (We couldn’t find your actual birthday online, so we just made up one for you)
Really engaging | A baller and a scholar | Genuinely likes SFU
You are definitely part of some kind of student organization who constantly tries to get students involved in campus life. You like to use words like “engage” and “vision” on a regular basis, but no one really knows what you mean when you say them. You don’t care and keep using them anyways.