Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor
Falling asleep on Burnaby Mountain is risky this week. You might find yourself sleepwalking across campus while dreaming of Build SFU manager Clark von Taine. Right when he faux-affably giggles at your incredulity before purring, sotto voce, “Don’t ask me when the SUB will be finished,” you’ll be wide awake on the cold hard floor of Menchies, drenched in vanilla fro-yo and cheesecake bits.
Time for a social media cleanse. And it starts with forgetting your SFU computing ID and password for Canvas and SFU Mail. No need for that death-dealing energy. How dare SFU expect you to just be available at any time to respond to their warnings about sending a collection agency to get what’s left of your tuition payments?
Cuffing season is approaching, and it’s time you got on the dating scene. But this week you might realize that, like Angelica Schuyler, you’ll just never be satisfied with the lazy minds in this city. Just fall in love with your split personality. All your date nights will be half as expensive, and you’ll never be better informed on how to write your partner the perfect sext.
Friends are letting you down this week, rejecting your nurture and your affection. Fine. Stop opening your heart to the ungrateful. Start opening your heart to roundworm eggs.
Bae’s going to find time to buy textbooks this week. But will bae find time to sit silently in your bedroom and fantasize about your huge scholarships while waiting for you to come home from buying your textbooks? Even I can’t answer that. Only time, and your lover’s Snap Maps location, will tell.
Now that we’re right in the thick of #VIRGOSZN, your fraudulent tendencies are wildly out of whack. This week, will you come clean to the public about how you lied about your CGPA on your TA evaluation sheet last semester? Or will all the lies snowball until you find yourself in a two-year-long relationship with a local crime family heir who thinks your first name is Edith?
Felicitations . . . you are perfectly emotionally balanced this week. You’re actually really stable. And it’s been days since the last time you felt a strange murderous impulse after a bus driver told you to wait for the green light before tapping your Compass Card. But careful, now — next week is the first week of fall, and you’ll be back to eating seasonal depression for lunch like the rest of us.
Repeat one mantra and one mantra only to yourself this week: it’s not homicide when the victim is someone who drives around the parking garage with no muffler on their car.
I know what you’ve been Googling in your downtime lately: “is it bullying to tell my roommate that they smell like raccoon sperm?” The answer is yes. But you and I both know you still owe them the deep, dark, fertile truth.
This week will be all about confronting things: Your past. Your loved ones. Even your rising certainty that the returning president of the SFSS is actually just an android decoy double sent by Microsoft. Face your troubles with integrity . . . Or disassociate from your inner turmoil and buy a new sweatshirt-lanyard combo from the bookstore.
The hot gossip is pretty bland this week. Heal the lack of toxins in your life by taking things into your own hands. Message all of your friends with a retelling of your favourite poor personal choice from the last month. When they disbelievingly ask you whether you’re really trying to start a rumour about yourself, leave the group-chat after sending a GIF of Emma Stone dressed in a black corset top and sunglasses from Easy A.
This week is about — you guessed it — finding potential partners to fix with your love. For this reason, you need to stay away from campus. Otherwise you’ll feel a strong urge to put on a hardhat and get working on the edgiest, most tragic love interest of all: the very building of SFU itself. Get out while you still can, or you’ll be smothered by SFU’s love, as well as its broken wreckage once the Big Quake hits.