SFUnexplained: SHOCKING STINKY TRUTHS in the sixth floor AQ

Trust not the air thou breathes, nor the institution thou studies at . .

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The SFU AQ looking creepy
Canada’s most engaged university in secrets. ILLUSTRATION: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Kelly Chia, Staff Writer

My name is Dr. Gregory “Sniffers” Martin (57 at the time of writing) and I’m here with SHOCKING news about SFU that will change your perception of reality forever. Do you think you’re safe to just wander around the campus aimlessly? You think former SFU president Andrew Petter is puppeteering your grades behind the scene? I’m here to provide a voice for your concerns. And boy, did SFU step in it this time. 

Reportedly, there’s a gas leak in the sixth floor of the Academic Quadrangle (suspiciously referred to as the “AQ”) And as usual, this news is being stuffed right under your noses. You deserve to know better. And today, Sniffers will give you the truth. 

“Uh, there is no situation,” lied suspicious facilities manager “Roger” (a pseudonym I thought best suited his . . . character.) “This was honestly a good old fashioned gas joke between faculty members — we had a burrito lunch day.” When I attempted to probe Roger further, he refused to talk to me, citing that he had “better things to do.” As the kids say, that sounds pretty sussy

According to “Rogér” SFU’s Chief Safety Officer, “There have never been any suspicious gas leaks at SFU, Greg.” He finally admitted “students would know immediately if there was anything dangerous on campus that could hurt them — three months after it’s relevant.”

That’s when Sniffers knew there was something more to this story. Three months? This is breaking stuff, people. 

You see, this is really just a classic aversion tactic used by large suspicious entities (LSE’s) called “secret codes.” I think “burrito” is actually SFU’s secret code for a BIG scandal they are trying to hide. 

When digging further, I discovered that burrito is actually an anagram for orbit. Don’t worry about that extra “r,” what matters is intent. And what’s more shocking — but not surprising of a sneaky LSE — on the day that Roger was “joking around,” an SFU faculty member was seen chewing Orbit gum . . . ! This of course can only mean one thing: The reason for the hidden gas leak was because SFU is sinking massive amounts of dough into sending space rockets into orbit. What better place to hide a BIG secret than in outer space? 

But this doesn’t trace back to president Joy Johnson (despite her suspicious alliterative name). No, this goes all the way to the (former) top. The sneakmeister himself. Andrew Petter. Who, lucky for us, made one fatal slip up in an almost perfect conspiracy. On this alleged “burrito lunch” day, Petter was spotted in a mint green shirt carrying some papers. Nail. In. The. Proverbial. Coffin. Folks, everyone knows that mint green is a trademark alien colour, ok? Burritos? More like burr-ying a massive secret. 

It’s clearly obvious Andrew Petter has spent his time out of president limelight to dedicate his nefarious energy into sending students by rocket to his alien family for nutrience . . . but there’s only one way to confirm this theory — I will go to the sixth floor of the “AQ” and sniff for my self.