By: Zainab Salam, Editor-in-Chief
Cupid is on leave for quite some time (he’s reportedly on his honeymoon with Psyche — one that doesn’t seem to have an end date), so the planets decided to send in a substitute envoy instead. After several missed stops, Mercury called back — and was reprimanded for not reaching his stop at The Peak. Apparently, he kept on stopping to barter with merchants for the “best deal ever.” Venus has declined a job that is so below her beauty and station, and Saturn is just out to make someone’s life unnecessarily difficult “for character development.”
The Editor-in-Chief of this publication decided to take matters into her own hands, and voyage on a treacherous journey to retrieve the absolutely necessary celestial intel hidden within the stars themselves. After surviving several retrogrades and an emotionally confusing coffee date, she has returned bearing the only thing more powerful than love itself: unsolicited relationship advice!
As the planets dance in the sky . . . and love lives are in shambles . . . the long-awaited, with bated breaths, heavenly relationship advice tailored for all of you!
Aries
March 21–April 19
Rushing head-first into love might end with you slamming into one of AQ’s concrete walls — and honey, there are many of those walls everywhere you go. The stars advise you to stop treating every crush like a speedrun challenge. Not every “sup” requires a boombox love confession! Venus in Cancer asks you to delay your marriage proposal just a few more weeks. Maybe better luck when Venus moves into the fiery Leo on June 13.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
Take your date to the best restaurant ever: the IKEA restaurant! A relationship that cannot survive entirely on meatballs, lingonberry sauce, and “how about this couch?” isn’t even worthwhile. Venus in Cancer urges you to embark on a six-hour furniture labyrinth to test out your possible partner. The one is the person who can actually appreciate the finer things in life — in this case, you need to be budget conscious, so IKEA it is.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
Your mercurial ways can’t help but to juggle those three crushes, four talking stages, and one sincere yearning for a special someone to notice you. The stars this week suggest that you stop sending mixed signals! Sending “I miss you” at 2:13 a.m. and then replying “lol who is this” a week later, is very stereotypical, but that doesn’t mean you should be a stereotype. Let’s grow up this week, Gemini. I believe in you!
Cancer
June 21–July 22
Don’t worry. Your classmate, the one you have a crush on, has no idea you’ve already imagined a joint-chequing account with them; or that you’ve mentally planned your future grocery runs together — nothing screams romantic more than an impromptu chicken nuggets purchase on aisle nine. I feel it is my duty to note that your effort of making them “catch a hint” didn’t actually work. Just because they’ve given you their pencil, when you’ve asked to borrow one, doesn’t mean they know you like them.
Leo
July 23–August 22
Your front-facing camera screen time is becoming spiritually concerning. The stars encourage you to search for other reflective surfaces to admire yourself on. Ask Narcissus, he knew how to find one. On a serious note, the stars ask you to prepare yourself for the ultimate love come mid June! With Venus moving into your sign, you’re fated for a once-in-a-lifetime encounter with a special someone — it might be your reflection in your computer screen during midterm season, but hey, self-love is love.
Virgo
August 23–September 22
I won’t lie Virgo, it just might be hopeless for you. The South Node stationing in your sign is just a big ‘ole yikes. At this point, your inner monologue has become a 24-hour customer service complaint chain run entirely by you! Like, maybe go on a run to escape the existential dread that’s been accumulating in your catastrophizing little heart? The stars wish to help you, but every time they offer guidance, you respond with “well technically . . . ” and start overanalyzing the advice. For legal purposes, and as a time-saving strategy as instructed by HR, the stars decline to offer advice!
Libra
September 23–October 22
This week a hot new bombshell enters the villa! And the stars are already exhausted with your inability to decide so they decided to exit your villa. At this point, the stars are actually closed for business, because what the hell man, this is the 27th date that you’ve been to this year and you seem to “lose the spark” by the time the entrée makes it onto the table! Like you asked them out . . . ?
Scorpio
October 23–November 21
I’m not sure how to advise you on how to make your intentions known, but I’ll start with telling you to tone down that stare. You examine your crush like you’re hoping to uncover some classified information. The stars advise you to blink occasionally, and to approach your crush more.
Sagittarius
November 22–December 21
This week is an auspicious week for you to be a romantic menace. Go out on that date, and proceed to ghost the person you went on that date with. Romance is but a vibe, am I right? WRONG! Jupiter in Cancer warns you against letting life dictate your path. Your crush would like to know if you’re emotionally unavailable or simply hiking somewhere without reception again.
Capricorn
December 22–January 19
I’ll just say it: you need to practice other flirting techniques. Asking people to provide their credit scores, and five-year-plans won’t cut it for long. Romance can enter your life, once you stop penciling it in. Your partner shouldn’t have to put up with your quarterly performance reviews, and just enjoy romancing you. Saturn in Aries demands that you stop referring to emotional vulnerability as “an inefficient allocation of resources.”
Aquarius
January 20–February 18
To find your soulmate, or improve your current relationship, the stars advise you to put down that damned notepad from your hand, and actually engage in human interaction. Explaining love through obscure philosophy references and a diagram you drew on a napkin is not flirting. Your crush might not know about Plato’s “ladder of love.” And honestly? They’re on this date trying to learn about you, not Plato.
Pisces
February 19–March 20
Yes, Pisces, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but apparently you can’t swim. The stars advise you to sign up for swimming lessons to help you catch some “fish.” With Neptune in Aries you’re asked to stop falling in love with people based on “their aura” and one shared passing glance during a lecture that happened a year ago.
