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SFU win down a man against Montana State

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The win has moved SFU up to third place in the GNAC.

Thursday night the men’s soccer team played host to the Montana State University Billings. The visitors came in as the second-best team in the GNAC, as well as the highest-scoring team, with 31 goals in 13 games played. After a very slow and boring first half, a moment of brilliance in the second from Michael North gave the Clan a 1–0 lead. After a red card minutes later, SFU had to hold on with 10 men for nearly half an hour.

“It was a battle,” said Head Coach Clint Schneider after the match. “We got a red card, which was deserved, to be frank. [. . .] I’m glad we got the result tonight. I don’t think we gave them a whole lot to look at in front of the goal, and Michael North scored a wonder [goal].

“We’re moving forward,” Schneider continued. “Another shutout at home, that’s first class from the guys. We just have to keep it going.”

The first half did not feature that much action, to put it lightly. It was the type of first half that feeds the stereotype that soccer is a boring sport. Neither team was able to string any passes together, and the vast majority of the time was spent kicking the ball down the field. Montana State did a great job of forcing the SFU wingers to the inside, where they were promptly met by a swarm of players. 

The second half made up for the first half though. In the 57th minute, Michael North cut inside from the left wing and shot an absolute bullet into the top right corner. That goal proved to be crucial, as a few minutes later James Fraser got a straight red card. A dangerous studs up challenge right into the opposing goalie meant he was sent off, and the Clan had to defend the next 30 odd minutes a man down. After some close moments near the end, they held on for a 1–0 win.

The story by the end of the game was North’s goal, a flash of magic that broke the game open. “Sometimes you need a little bit of magic. They all knew he was going to his left foot, didn’t matter. What a finish,” exclaimed coach Schneider.

With the team still battling down a man, can they build off this success in the rest of the season? “Our guys are realising that they can win games gritty,” said Schneider. “It was a gritty result [tonight]. It’s hard to play good football when you’re down a man, [but] we still made it difficult for them.

“In every regard, I’m very proud of them.”

SFU Quidditch host their first tournament

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Muggles are welcome to join the SFU Quidditch team.

On Sunday Oct. 18, the Highland Trials took place at Terry Fox Field. The event was an all-BC affair, with British Columbia Quidditch Club (BCQC), SFU Quidditch, University of Victoria Valkyries, and Vancouver Vipertooths all participating. It was the first tournament hosted by the SFU Quidditch team. Quite the achievement considering a few years ago, the team did not even exist.

Despite the rain and a few hiccups, it was a successful tournament for SFU, showing how much the rec club has grown since beginning in fall 2013.

Philomena Chenne is the vice-president of SFU Quidditch, and was also in charge of organizing the Highland Trials. She said that all the experience the team has soaked in going to other tournaments signaled that the team was ready to host their own.

“Having three years [of] cumulative experience now of going to tournaments and seeing how other veteran players have hosted, just seeing how their tactics and scheduling” has been hugely valuable according to Chenne. “Just seeing how your veterans and team can commit to it.”

Once the team decided to host, Chenne had to put in the hours making sure that all the details were taken care of. That included booking the field, getting permission from SFU Rec, bringing in teams to play, making the schedule, and organizing all the volunteers for the tournament.

The volunteers make up a large part of it, as a Quidditch game will have four different types of volunteer referees (a head ref, an assistant ref, and goal judge, and a snitch ref), as well as scorekeepers and timekeepers.

Speaking of the snitch, that is another volunteer position which has to be filled — this is muggle Quidditch, after all. There isn’t any flying golden object, which means that the snitch is filled by someone running around the field trying to avoid a team’s seekers, whose goal is to take a socked tennis ball from the snitch’s pants.

Talor Mykle-Winkler is the president of SFU Quidditch. She said that the club probably wasn’t ready to put on a tournament before now, but believes that playing host won’t be a one-time thing.

“Definitely we will be trying to [host again], whether it be next semester or next year,” Mykle-Winkler said. “There’s so much that goes into the behind-the-scenes, the set up and take down, making sure that teams show up and volunteers because there are a lot of those that are needed.” 

“It’s a lot more fun hosting; you don’t have to drive as far.”

With all the successes of hosting a tournament, it was a bit of a hiccup to end, as SFU was set to face Vancouver Vipertooths in the finals. However, several of the Vipertooths had to leave early, and appeared not to have enough players to play the final match.

SFU decided to lend Vancouver some of its players and turn the final into a friendly, which the hybrid Vancouver-SFU team won by a final score of 100–30.

    Chenne said that despite how the day ended, it was very encouraging for the club to see the players come out and compete hard in the hopefully inaugural tournament on Burnaby Mountain. From here, the team will start focusing on their next tournament — the Rocky Mountain Rumble taking place in Kelowna next month.

SFU football’s offense sputters against Hardrocker defense

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The Clan were shut out for the first time this season.

At the halfway point of the GNAC season, the Clan traveled down to take on the Hardrockers from South Dakota School of Mine and Technology (SDSMT), who are currently in second place for the GNAC title. A tough Hardrocker defense would pitch a 19–0 shutout against a Clan offense that put up four passing touchdowns in the previousmatchup against the visiting Dixie State.

SFU opened up the game on offense, but were quickly forced to punt the ball to SDSMT who would put up three points on an 86 yard drive that featured six first downs and lasted eight  minutes. Cornerback Robin Weathersby and Safety Jordan Pugh both tackled receiver Daniel Ziegler to end the drive on third and goal, forcing the Hardrockers to settle for a field goal.

On the next Hardrocker drive, Weathersby would make another big play by recovering a fumble at 50-yard line, but a quick three and out forced the Clan to give the ball right back to start the second quarter. The Hardrockers bounced back by putting together a quick 80-yard drive that was capped off by a 35-yard touchdown run from quarterback Trent McKinney.

Shorty after, the Clan defences found themselves once again with their heels against their own end zone. Jordan Pugh stepped up to make a big play by forcing a fumble at the goal line. Linebacker Jordan Herdman would recover the football and give the Clan offense a chance to score before half time.

Quarterback Ryan Stanford put together a couple of first downs, including a 29-yard pass to SFU’s leader receiver for the season, Justin Buren, but inconsistent play forced the Clan to one again call upon kicker Nikolai Karpun to punt to ball away.

“We did enough defensively to put us in a position to win but unfortunately our offense was unable to make any big plays,” said coach Bates told SFU Athletics after the game.

With only a 1:09 left to play in the first half, the Hardrockers were able to assemble yet another long drive that ended with a 19 yard touchdown pass from McKinney to wide receiver Kevin Mills.

After giving up 16 points in the first half, the SFU defense buckled down and held the Hardrockers to a single field goal in the second half to give the offense a chance to win the game for the team.

Running back Ante Milanovic-Litre has stepped up in recent weeks to become the feature back for the Clan, after replacing the injured Josh Hayden. Ante was held to only 31 rushing yards in the first half, however, adjustments in second half play calling pushed him to finish the game with a career-high 125 yards on 21 carries.

In an SFU Athletics summary, Coach Bates acknowledged Ante’s performance by stating that, “Offensively today our running game was able to establish itself [. . .]” however, he also pointed out that, “[. . .] we really struggled at the QB position and were unable to establish consistency.”

Quarterback Ryan Stanford finished the game completing 13 of 28 passes for 121 yards and an interception, while Justin Buren led the Clan in receiving with five receptions and 84 yards. Brothers Jordan and Justin Herdman led the Clan in total tackles with 19 and 11, respectively. Jake Oram and Ben Minaker also finished up with 10 tackles each.

The Clan’s next game will be against Humbolt State on the road in Arcata, California. The game starts at 1 pm.

The five stages of grief Conservatives went through after hearing the election results

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Photo by Lisa Dimyadi

‘Twas October 19, and I was watching what every other campus Conservative was: the Antiques Roadshow marathon. Sure, the election was happening, but I wasn’t worried about the result, as I was confident Harper would get another majority. What’s not to love about a leader with the charisma, social skills, and looks of an accountant?

I interrupted the riveting analysis of a Tennessee bookshelf, and turned to CBC’s Peter Mansbridge make the election call. I prepared myself to be serenaded by good ol’ Peter announcing another Conservative government; instead, I was ambushed with this: “Trudeau has beaten Stephen Harper.” My jaw/heart/Molson Canadian dropped, and the five stages of Conservative grief began.

Denial: Oh, silly Peter, please read the teleprompter correctly. There’s no way Canadians would pick a handsome, likeable, positive person as prime minister. That’s just unpatriotic, borderline communist behaviour. [Flips to CTV] What, you guys are also saying Harper lost? Well, you’re communists anyways, you probably read the results wrong. [Flips to CNN] You guys messed the results up too? That’s weird. Well, Anderson Cooper’s a commie, so that makes sense. [Flips to CPAC] Hey, it’s Stephen Harper admitting the Conservatives lost. Well, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, the bloody communist. . . Wait, what?

Anger: Damn it Peter, I thought I could trust you! I thought we were friends. I just finished getting my tattoo of your face with the caption “Thug Lyfe,” and this is how you treat me?! And to the Canadian voters: you want someone young and good-looking lying to you for the next four years, rather than a jaded, grey-haired politico? Rookie mistake, guys. High expectations lead to nothing but sadness, despair, and Stanley Cup riots.

Bargaining: Okay, Peter, hear me out: I’ll do anything. I swear to you. Just make the result change. Please? Pretty please, with a cherry on top? You don’t like cherries? Fine, I’ll give you a pineapple, or a potato, whatever your heart desires. My signed Stephen Harper poster? Yours. The limited-edition Brian Mulroney autobiography on VHS and Betamax? Take it. Just please, oh noble wizard, use your magic to change people’s minds.

Depression: Dear Peter: I have been in the fetal position for the past 72 hours, with no end in sight. The only thing keeping me going is the four-litre bucket of Costco vanilla ice cream, and three extra-large Costco pizzas. Actually, I’ve been inside a Costco for the past three days, hidden inside a bouncy castle; security suspects nothing so far. Also, I’ve listened to “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol 17 times. I worry that if I move on to The Fray, I’ll never get out of here.

Acceptance: You know what, Mr. Mansbridge? After looking into your deep, thoughtful eyes for a couple of hours, I’ve realized that it’s all going to be okay. Stephen Harper might be gone, but we’ll always have you and your oh-so-melodious voice to guide us Canadians. The Conservatives might be down now, but we’ll pick someone new, someone fresh, someone else with a weird affinity for sweater vests. And though the times may be tough for the boys in blue now, at least we have those magic herbs from Justin’s garden to get us through the next four years.

HUMOUR: American lawmakers cut out middleman, introduce guns directioly to mental wards

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Illustration by Zach Chan

After roughly 300 mass shootings in 2015 alone, the United States government believe they have found a solution: arm patients in mental wards.

“Stay with me here,” began Jr. Senator Pistol Pete III, while polishing a Colt M16 assault rifle. “We all know that these killings are being perpetrated by madmen. That’s a fact — even the president said so. Now since there’s nothing we can do to actually stop them, we thought we should at least be more efficient.

“It’s our hope, and really all any of us can do [. . .] is hope that the good mental patients with guns will be there when the bad mental patients with guns try anything.”

With a maniacal grin, Representative Sessions concluded, “We’re calling it the Fight Firearms with Firearms/Righteous Lighting/Holy-Water Tsunami/Head ‘Em Off At the Pass Act.”

The NRA’s executive director of lobbying, Trigger Terry, added while holding two silver-plated handguns: “Lots of people who own guns in this country are crazy. Of course we oppose giving the mentally ill guns, and if it were possible to stop them from getting them we’d support laws that made that happen, but it’s not. So, we think this is a great plan.

“Think of it this way,” he said, spinning the pistols around like a wild-eyed frontier sheriff from the old west, “if I was to kill you right here and now, which obviously I could, would you rather me shoot you in the gut and watch you bleed out slow, or would you rather I put a bullet in your head nice and quick? Obviously the head, right? That’s why efficiency is so important. We don’t want to prolong the inevitable anymore. We want to shoot the country in the head, not in the gut.”

Republican presidential candidate Guhn Hapi was vocal in his support of the legislation while on the campaign trail, comparing it to his call to arm elementary schools and stating that the Act was, “Badass.”

Hapi added, “I’ve already said we should be introducing guns into environments where young people learn and grow, so obviously I support this legislation.”

The endorsement hasn’t surprised political analysts, who pointed out that the two ideas really aren’t that different. Both suggest putting guns within reach of those who are just learning or relearning how to operate in society; those who are emotional, irrational and prone to outbursts of rage, sadness, and occasionally violence; and those who sometimes cannot fathom the repercussions of their actions. Hapi concluded by saying, “Seems like a good idea to me.”

When asked for comment on the legislation, democratic representative Cutty Ought from California, who helped author the now expired Federal Assault Weapons Ban in 1994, pinched the bridge of her nose with her forefinger and thumb, shook her head and said: “They want to let who have guns?

“You know what? Fuck it, sure. It’s literally no fucking different than what we’re doing now.”

HUMOUR: TSSU aligns with Prince of Darkness to settle university dispute

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Illustration by Christina Kruger

With the recent loss of their health benefits, SFU’s Teaching Support Staff Union (TSSU) has stepped up their game like never before against Andrew Petter: starting October 31, a partnership between the TSSU and Satan will add further pressure on the university to negotiate for a new contract.

The partnership is the result of a meeting held last week at Yeti Yogurt, where members of the TSSU met with the Lord of Darkness to ask for help with the long-standing wage dispute. Over Bigfoot on the Beach smoothies, the two parties reportedly negotiated all through the night before being kicked out by nauseated Yeti staff 19 minutes after closing time.

While no formal agreement was made on the spot, the TSSU confirmed via Facebook that a contract was, “hot and ready to move forward.” The Peak caught up with the TSSU to learn more about the controversial decision and what it could mean for students and staff at the university.

“Oh yeah, it’s true. We met with Satan over some froyo and explained our situation with the university,” said Lucy Strauss, a political science TA and TSSU member. “He was very receptive to our concerns and offered us some really good suggestions on how to move forward. We were pleasantly surprised by the cost of his terms too. Turns out the Devil isn’t interested in souls anymore; all he asked from us was our self-respect and dignity, and to sacrifice an A+ arts student.”

As soon as the Devil’s contract is signed, the TSSU expects the long-standing university conflict to be resolved with absolutely no foreseeable consequences whatsoever.

Regarding the controversial pact, SFU Administration seemed unconcerned by the announcement when asked to comment:

“If they think that’s going to make any difference, they’re sniffing glue,” cited one Board member. “They might as well go back to drawing chalk on the walkways and shouting at our workspace from a megaphone. Besides, we took precautions just in case Mr. Satan ever decided to intervene. We don’t get the big bucks for not thinking these sort of things through, y’know.

“During the summer semester, we opted to power wash all of Strand Hall with holy water just in case someone tried to catch us with our occultist pants down. Turns out it was a rather cheap expense.”

Arguably more inattentive to the devilish announcement are the students themselves, fatigued by the squabbling and caterwauling by both parties.

“At this point, I’ve practically ODed on my prescription of Fuckitol,” said English student Tanya Nyrobi. “Having my grades held is what’s really getting me down. How am I supposed to continue doing the least-acceptable amount of work if I don’t even know what kind of marks it’s getting me?

The Peak did what it could to contact Satan for a comment but was unsuccessful, as the gates of the underworld were closed for a Luau taking place in the third circle of Hell, hosted by renowned foodie Cerberus.

HUMOUR: How to avoid offending anyone with your Halloween costume this year

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Photo courtesy of Infrogmation (Wikipedia)

Let’s face it: we’re not celebrating your grandparents’ Halloween, when bottles of Coke cost a nickel and Sun-Maid raisins were the hot new item to find in your trick-or-treating bag. This holiday’s done a lot of growing over the years, and society in general is more aware of historical atrocities and appropriations than ever before. Here are a few pointers to help you avoid the offensive tropes our previous generations championed on All Hallows’ Eve.

Avoid gendering your costume: Even in 2015, the gender divide in many career fields is still problematic, so do your best to avoid strengthening these labels. Don’t be a sexy mailman, but rather a sexy mailperson; that sexy boogeyman costume could just as easily be a sexy boogeyhuman costume, though even the definition of human is difficult because of the “man” part. Just dress as androgynously as possible and whenever someone asks you what you’re supposed to be, defuse the situation by asking them not to assume your gender.

Don’t reinforce harmful stereotypes: Generalizing the work of terrible directors like Michael Bay or M. Night Shyamalan is great, but generalizing someone else’s culture or walk-of-life isn’t. People often use the excuse of, “Oh, this is just a costume” to justify casual racism, but that doesn’t make it any better. A good rule of thumb to follow is if it was okay on a ‘90s television show, then it’s not okay now.

Stay away from dressing up as copyrighted characters: Films are being leaked online before they even hit theatres; television ratings have plummeted thanks to everyone illegally downloading or streaming their favourite shows; and you still think taking someone else’s idea and tailoring it to your own needs is a victimless crime?  Now you’re going to dress up as a character from a movie you didn’t even pay to see, and get a bunch of compliments and positive reinforcement for something you didn’t even create yourself? Get your head out of your ass — you’re getting shit all over someone else’s copyrighted creation.

And you can just forget about scantily-clad outfits too: Feminism’s making some grand strides in helping people stop shaming women, so this rule isn’t about policing female bodies — it’s just because slutty costumes are too formulaic and boring. Forget what I said earlier about the sexy mailperson costume; just because Channing Tatum gets to dance around with his package hanging out doesn’t mean you can, too.

Nothing speciesist either: oh, you think dressing up in a panda costume is cute? You know what isn’t cute? The grim reality most pandas are facing. There are less than an estimated 2,000 giant pandas left in the entire world, and in the time it took for you to apply makeup to mimic panda eyes, a hundred square hectacres of panda habitat were lost due to human activity. So try to consider the global biosphere before dressing up like an endangered animal for Halloween, you monster.

Don’t even think about using colours for your costume: Three words for you, bucko: colourblind people. Someone at a party asks what you’re supposed to be, and you reply, “The colour red!” while proudly self-examining your red T-shirt, red corduroys, and matching red Converse. Unfortunately for you, the person you’re talking to is colourblind, and you’ve just offended them by having a non-inclusive costume. Only dress in black and varying shades of black, or run the risk of being an enormous jerk-face.

And there you have it: a few simple tips and tricks to having your most inclusive Halloween yet. Of course, there’s no foolproof way to avoid offending people with your costume, so my only advice would be to stay home on Halloween night and hide out under your bed covers. Sufferers of agoraphobia may argue you’re appropriating a mental disorder, but hey, you can’t please everyone, right? Right?!

Justin Trudeau: “He’s got to prove himself”

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Justin is the second Trudeau to lead Canada’s government. - Photo courtesy of The Canadian Press

Canadians turned out to the polls last Monday in the highest numbers since 1993, and voted in a Liberal majority government. Newly elected Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau said in his acceptance speech that Canadians had sent the message, “It’s time for change, real change.”

SFU set the stage for multiple political events throughout the campaign as candidates battled it out for the newly formed riding of Burnaby North-Seymour. With 36.2 per cent of votes, SFU adjunct professor Terry Beech of the Liberal Party came out on top; The Green Party’s candidate, SFU professor Lynne Quarmby, placed fourth with 5.2 per cent.

The Peak sat down with SFU Political Science and Women’s Studies professor Marjorie Griffin Cohen soon afterwards to see if the political science department was as surprised as the rest of us at the results of the election.

“We had a little betting pool [in the department], and these are professionals,” Cohen said. “Nobody got it right.”

The election was followed by a social media storm of some Canadians celebrating the departure of a Conservative government, with others bemoaning the newly elected Prime Minister’s lack of experience and his party’s history of failing to keep promises.

Cohen acknowledged that in the past the Liberal Party has campaigned from the political left, but governed from the political right. However, things may be different this time around.

“I think he knows people are onto the Liberals about that,” Cohen said, “He’s got to prove himself.”

A Liberal campaign promise particularly relevant to SFU is the pledge to revamp the National Energy Board (NEB)’s approval process for pipelines. In late 2014, Burnaby Mountain became the focus of national media attention when protesters blocked the surveying work in preparation for the Kinder Morgan Trans Mountain Pipeline expansion. The NEB had given Trans Mountain access to the surveying site, which is an environmentally protected area.

The Liberal party has taken a case-by-case stance on pipelines, so even with a reformed NEB, the Trans Mountain Pipeline may still be built. Cohen spoke to that possibility, saying “it would be very disappointing. I don’t think you’ll get a Liberal elected again in BC.” She added that due to the fact that the bitumen transported by the pipeline would not be refined in province, “there’s only disadvantages for BC.”

Uncertainty about campaign promises aside, there are signs that politics in Canada and the rest of the world have changed in the past decades.

Cohen said that the world is “teeming with people with more progressive ideas both in the UK and the US [that have] some kind of following now,” while in the past, they would have been in the margins.

However, Cohen warned that bringing those changes to bear isn’t for the faint of heart. “If somebody really does want to make a change, they have to be bold and they have to have courage.”

I’m tired of being ogled at while taking the SkyTrain

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I’ve always had a big thing for public connection; catching a passerby’s eye in the habitual bustle, maybe offering a nod or — heaven forbid — a quick “good morning.” There’s something worthwhile in mustering the effort to reach out and acknowledge people. It’s important, savouring the subtle details that are so easy to dismiss but, at the end of the day, it gives you that extra little something. Cheesy, yes, but unmistakably true; to be connected is essentially to be human.

But then I became a SkyTrain commuter, and everything changed.

Put bluntly, people are perverts.

Okay, I can’t just say that. It’s unfair and a total generalization. But I will say this: in one week alone, I’ve become fed-up with accidentally snagging eye contact with someone who, in return, behaves intrusively and downright grossly. All too quickly, the encounter becomes a sexualized episode between the 18-year-old girl and the somehow-entitled man. Pardon me, sir, but I absentmindedly glanced at your face. I didn’t invite you to imagine me naked.

Confused? Allow me to give an example: I’m gazing through a bus window, my attention grazing over the wonders of Surrey Central and all its glory (sarcasm intended). I spot a man strolling by and, in the second I notice him, he notices me. He abruptly halts and, with his eyes fastened to mine, he smirks. But it wasn’t just any ol’ smirk; this smirk was slow and unforgiving. It was the most suggestive smirk I’d ever seen, and I had never felt so violated.

Believe it or not, the next day was a similar case. Except this particular man was sitting cross-legged on the sidewalk and slowly wiggled his fingers at me.

Pardon me, sir, but I absentmindedly glanced at your face. I didn’t invite you to imagine me naked.

And my last case (yes, there’s a third) involves a man who dedicated the ten minute skytrain ride to staring fixedly at my face. I went as far to change seats, but he either failed to decode the hint or couldn’t have cared less.

Upon telling this tale to a friend, they settled on a simple solution: “Just don’t look at people.”

Um.

I’m left grappling with these words, as they contradict the human communication spiel I’ve always held dear to my heart. Because of these few disrespectful commuters, must I sacrifice my values of public connection in order to feel safe and comfortable? I think we all know the commuters wouldn’t have acted like this if I’d been a middle-aged man. The fact that I was a young, unaccompanied girl made all the difference. So at what expense am I to make room for their absurd behaviour?

It doesn’t seem fair that, as a young woman, I ought to divert my eyes to the ground in order to avoid the smirking, staring, and wiggling fingers. I should be allowed to look at people, incidentally or not, without feeling degraded afterwards. And that’s that.

As I grapple with this, it’s understood that these sort of situations are not about to just evaporate. To all you women who put up with the same problems, I’d say learning to handle them with dignity and grace — that is, to keep your chin up high and to remember that you’re far superior to their weird sexualization game — is the decent, if not best way to approach this situation. To hold yourself to higher ground must count for something!

But get this. Just yesterday, someone tapped me on the shoulder at Production Way Station. A man held my Compass Card in his hand. I’d dropped it moments before. My guard automatically flew up, but I smiled nonetheless. And then he gave me a quick nod, wished me well and ambled away.

Suddenly, I remembered why I’d bothered smiling in the first place.