HUMOUR: TSSU aligns with Prince of Darkness to settle university dispute

Illustration by Christina Kruger

With the recent loss of their health benefits, SFU’s Teaching Support Staff Union (TSSU) has stepped up their game like never before against Andrew Petter: starting October 31, a partnership between the TSSU and Satan will add further pressure on the university to negotiate for a new contract.

The partnership is the result of a meeting held last week at Yeti Yogurt, where members of the TSSU met with the Lord of Darkness to ask for help with the long-standing wage dispute. Over Bigfoot on the Beach smoothies, the two parties reportedly negotiated all through the night before being kicked out by nauseated Yeti staff 19 minutes after closing time.

While no formal agreement was made on the spot, the TSSU confirmed via Facebook that a contract was, “hot and ready to move forward.” The Peak caught up with the TSSU to learn more about the controversial decision and what it could mean for students and staff at the university.

“Oh yeah, it’s true. We met with Satan over some froyo and explained our situation with the university,” said Lucy Strauss, a political science TA and TSSU member. “He was very receptive to our concerns and offered us some really good suggestions on how to move forward. We were pleasantly surprised by the cost of his terms too. Turns out the Devil isn’t interested in souls anymore; all he asked from us was our self-respect and dignity, and to sacrifice an A+ arts student.”

As soon as the Devil’s contract is signed, the TSSU expects the long-standing university conflict to be resolved with absolutely no foreseeable consequences whatsoever.

Regarding the controversial pact, SFU Administration seemed unconcerned by the announcement when asked to comment:

“If they think that’s going to make any difference, they’re sniffing glue,” cited one Board member. “They might as well go back to drawing chalk on the walkways and shouting at our workspace from a megaphone. Besides, we took precautions just in case Mr. Satan ever decided to intervene. We don’t get the big bucks for not thinking these sort of things through, y’know.

“During the summer semester, we opted to power wash all of Strand Hall with holy water just in case someone tried to catch us with our occultist pants down. Turns out it was a rather cheap expense.”

Arguably more inattentive to the devilish announcement are the students themselves, fatigued by the squabbling and caterwauling by both parties.

“At this point, I’ve practically ODed on my prescription of Fuckitol,” said English student Tanya Nyrobi. “Having my grades held is what’s really getting me down. How am I supposed to continue doing the least-acceptable amount of work if I don’t even know what kind of marks it’s getting me?

The Peak did what it could to contact Satan for a comment but was unsuccessful, as the gates of the underworld were closed for a Luau taking place in the third circle of Hell, hosted by renowned foodie Cerberus.