- I went out on a date with a really cute guy that I’ve had a crush on for a while. Right as it was time to pay the bill, he walked up to go to the bathroom, and was kidnapped by a pack of Tuscan Raiders! It caused such a commotion, and I was so embarrassed I just paid and got the hell out of there as quick as I could.– Kaitlin R., 27, Zoologist
- I had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend, and I needed to do something fun and exciting to get my mind off the ordeal. So, I went out to a bar later with a couple of my friends and had a few too many drinks. Afterwards, we got to a tattoo parlour and I made the biggest mistake of my life — I decided to get a tattoo of the tracklist to Hilary Duff’s self-titled album on my lower back. But it doesn’t end there. They put the wrong order down, as track six should be Underneath this Smile and track seven should be Dangerous to Know, not the other way around! Now I feel so self conscious when I go to tan! – Brittney K., 22, Teaching Assistant
- My boyfriend’s parents were out for the weekend, giving us some much-needed alone time at his place. We started getting busy in his bedroom, when his little brother accidentally walked in on us, with his head spinning violently screaming “redrum” very loudly. Not only does he tell his parents what happened, now he walks around the house constantly wielding an axe. It’s super awks!– Tasha N., 19, Barista
- I few nights ago I brought a girl back from the club. Things started to get hot and heavy very quickly, and it was going very well right until the very end. When she finished she yelled at the top of her lungs “CAN YOU DIG IT!? SUCKAAA!!!!” while shaking her hand in front of her face. Not only was it extremely weird, my roommate heard the entire thing and won’t let me live it down.– James K., 21, Student
- My best friend’s baby shower was an absolute disaster for me, because of a slight wardrobe malfunction. I forgot to remove my illuminati necklace before I went, and now word is spreading that I’m a member of a secret organization that is trying to rule the world through an authoritarian global dictatorship! How will I get a date now? – Ashley C., 32, Cashier
SPOOF: Five embarrassing confessions from readers
SPOOF: Horoscopes
Capricorn
The Sun sneaks a glance at Venus while it’s changing at the end of the solar system. The Moon provides perfect shade for Mars and Jupiter as they fondle in the vacuum of space. Your stars are in alignment with the cockles of Orion.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Stop being a wuss and ask out that hottie at your local Starbucks. Show the barista your best bedroom eyes and ask if they’ll put extra “whip” in your “coffee cup.”
Aquarius
Pluto and Neptune are fist fighting on the steps of an asteroid belt, obstructing crucial space radiation. Wednesday is going to be a collision of titanic gravitational forces, obstructing your aura from the warmth of good nature.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Don’t buy that sweater. It doesn’t compliment your curvature. Besides, it’s totally over-priced.
Pisces
Jupiter’s moons are hanging lower than normal. The distant suns of the Milky Way galaxy are exploding causing ripples of distortion across the cosmic fretboard of time and space. This will all come to a frightening head on Monday.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Go skiing with Theo from marketing over the weekend. He’s been doing CrossFit and he’s looking to show off his new set of abs.
Aries
Mercury has skipped town with a sexy little moon just a lightyears travel from Saturn. A supernova in the proximity of Alpha Centauri has wiped out the only other reminence of life in the galaxy but your Tuesday is looking to be pretty fab.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Give yourself a well-deserved long weekend. Call in sick and leave a burning bag a poop on your boss’s front porch.
Taurus
The multiverse is chaos. Godlike beings are playing billiards with countless realities. The cacophonic cry of your doppelgangers omits a pitch that will spur thoughts of procrastination on Tuesday morning.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Don’t eat it. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t touch it — don’t even look at it!
Gemini
As Kapteyn C is slowly swallowed by a black hole throughout next week, Eridanus will rise and obscure alternate heavenly bodies in accordance with the Ptolemaic model, resulting in an overall resemblance to the comprehensive astronomical treatise Tantrasangraha.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Go ahead and sign up for windsurfing. Pam will realize what she’s missing, just give it time.
Cancer
The geocentric orbit surrounding Earth this week may pull in several unexpected objects, possibly causing a disturbance in the orbit of exoplanet HD 40307 g. This in turn will affect the stability of spacetime, so avoid any heavy lifting on Friday.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Carefully read through all written work you come across this week, or else you will be cloned then murdered and your evil doppelganger will take over your life.
Leo
Saturn spins a sick new beat on his new turntable rocking the universe with his sick synths and trap beats. The little dipper spills space champagne on the Andromeda constellation, initiating a cosmic wet T-shirt contest.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Go back to bed. Absolutely nothing of interest will occur this week.
Virgo
The steady movements of Gliese 667 Cb will bring a sense of clarity to your life. However, interference from Cygnus may work to convolute things more — watch out! It will only get worse if you ignore it.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Those whispers you hear at night aren’t in your head. You should probably serial killer-proof your house. But don’t worry, if you don’t die by Saturday your chances of living improve by 15 per cent!
Libra
K-type main-sequence star Alpha Centauri B will jumble up the celestial flow and likely have huge ramifications on double star Epsilon Reticuli, possibly even all of Reticulum. Make sure to factor this in before making any decisions.
IN OTHER WORDS:
Watch out for banana peels and keep a box of band-aids with you. You’re going to be clumsy as fuck this week.
Scorpio
There has been an awakening in a distant galaxy. The dark side and the light side are locked in an eternal conflict. As such, this will infect your Thursday evening with with sinful thoughts towards your best friend’s sister.
IN OTHER WORDS: Stop what you’re doing and go see Star Wars: The Force Awakens again. Don’t even think about it.
Sagittarius
A white hole off the tip of the Sombrero galaxy is spewing time at an alarming rate across the cosmos. A colony of intelligent space mushroom is drifting through the galaxy and set to collide with Europa.
IN OTHER WORDS:
When no one is looking, pull the fire alarm. Free your fellow brothers and sisters from the capitalist regime.
SPOOF: Five ways to get your TA all hot and bothered over you!
[dropcap]Y[/dropcap]ou’ve been eyeing up your sexy TA for weeks, your insides squirming at the thought of wrapping yourself around that curving, voluptuous body, or pressing your face against that chiseled, scholarly jaw. The thought of becoming your TA’s top pupil drives you insane; you’re torn apart by the thought of not expressing your true feelings to those dark, seductive eyes. You don’t want your classmates to know, so how can you subtly drive your TA wild over you?
Leave your name off your essay:
This is a fine way to play hard-to-get. Nothing fires a TA up like if he or she is left guessing which mystery someone wrote on “The Benefits of Decentralized Federalism.” Your TA will be left with furrowed eyebrows, swearing passionately as he or she flips open the attendance list to seek out yours truly. Once found, you’ll be on your crush’s radar — there’s something unique about you. In place of your name, it might be helpful to leave a simple question mark, followed by a winky face.
Don’t do any of your assigned course readings:
As your lover gazes into your eyes and politely asks you if you remember which prime minister was discussed on page 42, paragraph three, simply respond with a breathy, “Oh dear! I really don’t remember! But I’d love for you to tell me!” Your TA just might clench his or her jaw in that sexy way you love so much, or groan a little — giving you an extra something to fantasize about.
Arrive at your tutorial hungover:
Spend a night popping back one or two extra drinks! The massive headache you’ll feel in tomorrow’s lab will pale in comparison to the pleasurable touch of your TA’s hand on your shoulder while they shake you awake. Make sure to grasp their hand and let them know that you’ve had a terrible night, but everything’s going to be okay. Ignore the shifty looks from your other classmates — they’re just jealous.
Repeatedly ask your TA for clarification:
Pretending not to understand the concepts (or perhaps truly not understanding the concepts) is fantastic way to make your TA grumble under his or her breath with a deep, heated lust. The more you ask your TA to clarify concepts — especially ones that were explained multiple times over — the louder and more bothered your crush will become. Who knows? Your steamy TA might even point at you and scream out your name!
Email your TA to express how you feel:
Of course, what would drive your TA absolutely insane over you would be if you sent him or her a passionate email divulging your true feelings, using phrases such as “I’ve been longing,” “so sexy,” “get over here,” and “I need you right now!” Your feisty TA will respond with ultimate affection though a strongly worded response message. Damn, you love a TA who has a good business-professional vocabulary — nevermind the fact that you may be booted from the class entirely and given an “F” on your transcript. (It’s the sexiest letter in the alphabet.)
SPOOF: Five fitness tips to get you feeling good about spring
Fitness tip 1:
See fitness tip two (because you need to be patient — you won’t see the results you want right away!)
Fitness tip 2:
Try to sport. Sporting can be a great way to do fitness. Sports and be a real sport if you can sport hard and sport often. Sports.
Fitness tip 3:
You burn calories while eating and watching TV. Haters gonna hate.
Fitness tip 4:
Always go to the washroom before you step on the scale. Still counts.
Fitness tip 5:
In the time you spent reading this, you could have done maybe one push-up.
SPOOF: Five ways to add more sex to your sex
Do you feel like your sex life could possibly be a little sexier? Here are some ways to double down on the intercourse without losing out on any penetration. Use these tips with your partner for sprucing your reproducing!
- Add ice.
If there’s one thing that improves all around comfort and pleasure during sex, it’s really really cold things. Hint: frozen stuff makes everything feel hot by comparison.
- Make everything as dry as possible.
There’s only one way you can truly enjoy intercourse, and that’s by making it as dry as possible. Optimize on friction by going straight in before any kind of lubrication can interfere.
- Switch it up.
Doing it only on your bed can get boring. Try a change by boning in a medieval iron maiden. The spikes and threat of being skewered will add a sense of excitement and intimacy.
- Listen to death metal.
Turn on some tunes during your hanky-panky. Marvin Gaye is overrated and clichéd. Mix in some real passion by cranking up the death metal — it will help you both express your pent up frustration.
- Compare and contrast.
Improve together by bringing pictures of people you think are significantly more attractive than your significant other to bed, then comparing your partner to said attractive person and illustrating the ways in which they could change to resemble them better. This will draw you closer by understanding each other better.
SPOOF: Six beauty trends for 2016 — number four will rock your socks
2016 is going to be the year of new, hot looks. But don’t worry — Peakmo is here to help you navigate the year’s freshest styles.
- Goodbye smoky eye, hello flaming eyelids!
The time of smoky eyes has come and gone. This year marks the start of the new trend: flaming eyes. The technique is simple: just find something highly flammable, rub it on your eyelids, and find a match! You’ll be too hot to handle.
- Friendship bracelets made out of your BFF’s armpit hair
Nothing says ‘BFFLs’ like exchanging armpit hairs to braid a beautiful bracelet! Armpit hair accessories have been appearing everywhere after Miley Cyrus was seen with one!
- Put rocks in your socks
It may take a while to break in your new rocks, but once you have, all eyes will be on you! Remember to colour coordinate your rocks with your shoes and with the blood from the calloused blisters covering your feet!
- The saran wrap dress
You will be the talk of the town in your saran wrap dress. It’s even rumored that T-Swift is looking into getting custom saran dresses made for her and her squad! Slip into one of these and be transparently beautiful!
- Starbucks’ new lingerie lineup
This product is still in its launch phase, so bras are only coming in three sizes: tall, grande, and venti. The initial unveiling showed how comfortable and easy these bras will be to wear — just suction the Starbucks cup to your breast and you are ready to go! Madonna is said to be involved with the outer design of the 2016 collection, so you know these bras will be fierce.
- ‘Face with tears of joy’ emoji nipple pasties
Looking to show a bit of skin, but not too much skin? These nipple emoji stickers have you (partially) covered! After the ‘face with tears of joy’ emoji was named the Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year, these nipple stickers became pretty much inevitable. Celebs such as Celine Dion and even Gary Busey have already been spotted sporting this latest style!
SATIRE: Steamy Garfield quotes to use (and avoid) during sex
[dropcap]U[/dropcap]nbeknownst to many bed-goers, our favourite lazy, lasagna-loving cat is actually a master of sex. Scientists at the Lab for Pop Culture Cats and Intercourse, in Los Angeles California, have discovered that many of our favourite Garfield quotes can drive our sexual arousal right up the wall when used during moments of pleasure and intimacy with a partner! That’s right, after years of banging out some incredibly memorable quotes, this little pussy has yet to grow old. Here are some strategies for meow-thing your affection to help you have a rawr-ing great night beneath the sheets!
During foreplay:
Hot nights should always begin with something slow, with some seductive words to help put you two in the mood. After softly kissing your partner’s neck, lean in to their ear and whisper, “when the lasagna content in my blood gets low, I get mean.” As you kiss and touch one another, some spicy quotes to use are, “I am hungry, therefore I am,” and, “eat every meal as though it were your last.” Get hungry for each other — the night is sure to be a fiery one.
During sex:
As things get heated, and you two now share a warm bed, nothing beats making passionate love while repeatedly gasping, “Deep fry it!” During some of the more intense moments of the night, try romantically panting, “When I want in, I want in now!” This will let your partner know that you are the only thing they’re into. Such love will make for an incredible explosive finish.
During orgasm:
So far you’ve had an unforgettable night, and amongst the heat of sweaty passion you now feel you’re about to climax. Before orgasm, tell your partner how hot you feel by proclaiming, “I think I’m going to blow cat chow chunks!” in his or her ear, then during that intense pleasurable finish, feel free to bellow, “Love me, feed me, never leave meeee!” As you two gasp for breath on top of each other, you’ll be left wondering why you haven’t been screaming for lasagna during sex your entire life!
Quotes to kill the mood:
Scientists at the Lab for Pop Culture Cats and Intercourse also found that certain Garfield quotes had the potential to kill the mood completely. While in the heat of romantic lust, avoid using “If you want to look thinner, hang around people fatter than you,” or “Oh no! I’m late for my nap.” Quotes that have been proven to end relationships included, “Good times are ahead! Or behind. Because they sure aren’t here!” and “Show me a good mouser and I’ll show you a cat with bad breath!”
Clan Fire on All Cylinders in Complete Win
The SFU Women’s Basketball team improved to 5–6 on the season and 3–3 in GNAC Conference play with a resounding 90–73 victory over the Northwest Nazarene Crusaders. It was the team’s second home game in three days.
The Clan took an early 15–8 lead on the strength of back-to-back three pointers by Ellen Kent and Elisa Homer. With the clock running down in the first stanza, Vanessa Gee drained a buzzer beater to extend SFU’s lead to 26–14.
The second quarter saw both teams open up offensively with SFU punching back every time NNU tried to make a charge. Second quarter highlights included a beautiful step back 3-pointer by Alisha Roberts, a nifty turnaround post move for a basket by Sophie Swant, a tic-tac-toe fast break from Kent to Homer to Swant, and a Kent crossover and lefty layup. Clan Forward Samantha Beauchamp had an inspired three possession sequence late in the half when she blocked a shot, altered another NNU shot, and then drew a foul after a tough rebound. On a night when the Clan shot 58% from the field, the second quarter ended with a Kent drive and kick to Roberts for a three which gave SFU a 47–34 lead.
The third quarter was the Vanessa Gee show. Gee scored 9 of the first 13 Clan points on a step back three to start the quarter followed by a long two point jump shot, and then two beautiful drives to the basket. Down 60–46, NNU then elected to employ a full court press. This tactic resulted in 6 quick points. This is when forward Rachel Fradgley went to work converting two low-post baskets. The Clan once again scored to end the quarter on the strength of yet another clutch Alisha Roberts three-pointer to take a 67–54 lead into the decisive fourth quarter.
In the fourth, NNU closed to a 69–59 deficit. This is when Ellen Kent grabbed a critical defensive rebound and sagely called timeout when swarmed by NNU pressure. Kent then calmly knocked down her third three-pointer of the game to extend the lead to 72–59. SFU then broke NNU’s back with two fast-break baskets against the press converted by Swant and Homer. Rachel Fradgley continued her dominant low-post play with an offensive rebound and putback, a big shot block on defense and a low-post conversation. Alisha Roberts salted the game with consecutive threes in the final minute. Five Clan players scored in double figures including: Homer with 19 points, Roberts with 17 points, Gee with 16 points, Fradgley with 10, and Kent with 13 points as well as 10 assists.
Legendary coach Bruce Langford remarked on his team’s improved play from Thursday’s home loss. He said, “I thought we came to compete better on Saturday [. . .] Kent was much better distributing the ball and Homer had a brilliant start with 12 points in the first quarter. She also was checking their best player and drew two offensive fouls on her.”
Women’s basketball lose hard-fought game battle to Central Washington
The Simon Fraser University Women’s Basketball team suffered a 64–50 defeat to the Central Washington Wildcats this Thursday. The loss drops the Clan to 4–6 on the season overall with a 2-3 GNAC conference record.
Early in the first quarter the Wildcats jumped out to a 19–11 edge on the strength of three consecutive three-point baskets. In the final minute, point guard Ellen Kent drained a three-pointer, and forward Samantha Beauchamp converted one of two free throws to cut the Wildcat lead to 23–17. The Second Quarter saw the Clan execute a nifty fast break where Kent hit forward Rachel Fradgley in stride for the layup. The SFU offence then bogged down, committing three consecutive turnovers prompting a timeout by Head Coach Bruce Langford. Shooting Guard Elisa Homer knocked down a three-pointer to trim the Wildcat lead to five. The Wildcats then scored the last four points of the quarter to hit the locker room up 39–30 at halftime.
The third quarter saw the Clan play their best defensive basketball of the game, limiting the Wildcats to just nine points. With 4:26 left in the quarter Elisa Homer knocked down another three to make the score 43–42. The one-point Central Washington advantage was the closest the Clan would get to taking the lead in the second half.
Other highlights in the quarter were a nifty turnaround jumper in the post by Rachel Fradgley and a smooth runner by Elisa Homer. Central Washington converted a last second jumper to make the score 48–44 for the Wildcats entering the decisive fourth quarter.
In the fourth, SFU was outscored 16–6 despite their determined play. The lack of depth with just eight players on the roster may have been a factor in the poor shooting percentage the team incurred in the last quarter. Reflective of this was the 39 minutes Ellen Kent played in the game. The Clan play a switching style of defence and Kent often found herself matched up with the Wildcat forwards battling for rebounds in the low post. The scrappy floor general hit the court several times in the fourth quarter fighting through screens and competing hard on the defensive end despite getting into early foul trouble.
After the game Kent reflected on the team’s roster size, stating: “I wouldn’t say it is affecting us. [Rather] it is giving a lot of people opportunities.” The difficulty she explained was in practice, where the coaches have had to “bring in other people just to do five on five” team drills. Kent also noted how lack of experience by the young team was a possible factor in the fourth quarter. “We’re a young team, and experience helps in that kind of situation.”
WEB EXCLUSIVE: Canucks Corner with Jason Romisher — Canucks treading carefully in local player Jake Virtanen’s development
Canucks Corner with Jason Romisher is a brand new web-exclusive column, featuring Jason Romisher’s views on what’s happening with the Vancouver Canucks. Check back every Thursday for new content!
____________________________
[dropcap]J[/dropcap]ake Virtanen was born in New Westminister, moved to Langley briefly and then to Abbotsford where he starred on local rep hockey teams. At the age of 15, he was selected first overall by the Calgary Hitmen in the 2011 WHL Bantam Draft. Virtanen’s skill and physical play saw him repeatedly selected for international play as part of Team Canada. He also demonstrated the attributes prized at the professional level and shot up the NHL draft rankings.
“What could have unfolded as a dream come true narrative of a native son returning to his ancestral homeland instead was nothing more than a failed opportunity.”
In 2014, the Canucks selected Jake Virtanen sixth overall in the NHL Draft. It is rare that a team spends such a high draft pick on a local product. That year, he continued to play for the Calgary Hitmen and was a productive player on last year’s Gold Medal winning Canadian squad at the World Junior Championships. This year, Virtanen cracked the Canucks lineup, at the tender age of 19.
To boost his confidence and give him some more big game experience, the Canucks elected to release him for competition in this year’s World Junior Tournament. Unfortunately, Virtanen struggled posting just one point in four games and taking two penalties which led to the game winning goal in Canada’s 6–5 defeat in the quarterfinals against Finland. Virtanen’s father was born in Finland and the tournament took place in Helsinki. As such, what could have unfolded as a dream-come-true narrative of a native son returning to his ancestral homeland instead was nothing more than a failed opportunity by a young player struggling to develop.
The Canucks are now at a quandary concerning Virtanen’s immediate future with the franchise. He has struggled in the NHL posting just one goal and three assists in 19 games while averaging 9:49 of ice time. The team can elect to send him back to Calgary where he would get more ice time and play a more prominent role.
However, if he were to remain with the team he would continue to gain valuable tutelage from veteran players such as the Sedin twins. There is also an economic factor to Virtanen’s status with the team. If he should play in 40 or more games, he will enter free agency one year early. For now, the Canucks have elected to keep him with the team. The team will need to tread carefully, though, to ensure the local product blossoms into the front line force he is projected to be.
