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Adulthood 101: Staying on top of your work this semester

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Features
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Illustration credit, Tiffany Chan

By: Vivien Ying Qi Li, SFU Student

Having started the new semester, students are slowly getting back into the swing of things — meaning that all-nighters and last-minute cramming sessions are just around the corner. Although stress is an inevitable part of university life, it can be greatly minimized through careful planning and organization. With that in mind, here are some tips and tricks to help you stay on top of your work and make this semester as bearable as possible. 

Write down everything you have to do. 

Trying to remember everything you need to get done is a stressor that everyone can live without. Over the years, I have developed the habit of writing down important deadlines, events, and tasks I have to complete. I find that sticky notes are the most valuable, especially for particularly important deadlines. You can write the things you need to get done on these sticky notes and stick them where you’ll constantly see them: on your wall, your desk, laptop, hell, even your mirror works! Writing everything down can be more reliable than memory alone. You can refer back to a visual overview of the things you need to finish, making staying on top of your work much easier. 

How Peak employees follow Vivien’s advice:

I really like using a paper planner because I think the physical act of writing tasks down, as opposed to putting a reminder on my phone, helps me remember what I need to do more effectively. I check my planner every morning to set goals, and then check them off throughout the day! It’s really nice to have something that can physically show the things that I’ve gotten done throughout the day, especially when my work can be very digital. — KC

REMINDERS ARE MY SAVIOUR! The Reminders app on my iPhone (I’m sure there’s a similar kind of app available on Android) literally keeps me from forgetting all of the little, or big, tasks that I have to complete. It’s literally just a digital notepad that can give you a notification about a task, sync to your other devices, and keep your head from swirling with all of the things you need to do. Despite its simplicity, it’s a vital part of my attempt to be an adult. — MC

Develop a routine.

Granted, it’s impossible to stick to a routine 100% of the time; however, that doesn’t make them useless. Creating a general weekly schedule that details when you’ll be studying, when you’ll have free time (this is important), and when you’ll be working, provides a helpful guideline that keeps you on track. Planners and Google Calendars are quite popular and are both good tools for planning out your week. Personally, I use a dry-erase weekly schedule. I have one on the wall in front of my desk that details each day by the hour. Having my schedule right in front of me is useful, as it serves as a constant reminder of what I should be doing at what time. By creating set times for each of these activities, I find it easier to stay on top of my work, while maintaining a balanced lifestyle. 

How Peak employees follow Vivien’s advice:

When I had trouble with school because of a concussion, routines kept me and my poor bruised brain functional. What helped the most wasn’t working in short blocks of time, but creating bigger patterns so that I didn’t get overwhelmed if something wasn’t done in an allocated 2-hour span, or if something came up. I would physically get up and go to a coffee shop near Nanaimo and Hastings when I needed to get something written; I would sit at my desk at work if I was going to have to analyze documents; most of my honours work happens at a spare desk in our living room; I would pick a day to get through my readings in as long bursts as I could manage to say “I will work on this today” instead of saying “this has to be done today”… It meant that my routine had room for me to fail and flounder, which made it safe and easier to stick to. Building patterns about when your brain should do the thing helps your brain do the thing. — GM

Building patterns about when your brain should do the thing helps your brain do the thing, and that’s what the Pomodoro technique is based off of. All Pomodoro really does is set you up to work for a set period of time, take a short break, work more, take another break, work more, and then take a longer break. By creating clear “work” periods and clear “rest” periods, it creates a miniature routine for your brain and attention to follow. You can find timers built for Pomodoro online. — GM

Make goals for what you want to get done.

This is probably the technique I utilize the most. Every night I like to plan out what I want to get done the following day. These goals by no means have to be crazy; the purpose of goal setting is really just to make sure you’re completing what you need to get done to minimize those 2 a.m. caffeine-driven work sessions. 

How Peak employees follow Vivien’s advice:

The Student Learning Commons (SLC) at SFU has a handy tool online called the Assignment Calculator. Basically, it helps you break down an assignment into tasks and create a schedule to finish it once you punch in start and due dates for it. — GM

I use the SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-based) technique to make goals. This way, I end up being more productive in the day. For example, my goal would be to review chapter two for an hour’ instead of ‘study for the midterm.’  — LM

I start every week by creating a checklist of all the tasks I need to complete for that week alone. Ordering them chronologically (from the earliest to the latest deadline), I can keep track of which one to prioritize first. A bonus to this method is the motivation you gain to complete the list as soon as you slowly check off each task. — KR

Learn to say no. 

I’ll admit it: this is definitely one of the things that I struggle with the most. I find it terribly difficult to say no when people tell me to help them edit their papers, have lunch, or take that extra shift at work. This is true even when I have 50 exams to study for, 60 chapters to read for my accounting class, and three J.K. Rowling-length novels to write. It makes me feel bad when I say no. I feel like I’m being a big Debbie Downer or an unhelpful friend when in reality I’m just an adult with commitments.

We’re only human and have only 24 hours in a day, we can’t expect ourselves to be able to do everything. Learning your limits and exercising your right to say no can tremendously reduce the chances of getting overwhelmed. Plus, if you really think about it, it’s better to say no to someone than to accept the task and end up doing a shitty job in the end. 

How Peak employees follow Vivien’s advice:

I used to be terrible at saying no. If someone needed help and I technically had free space in my schedule, shouldn’t I have been available for them? But the reality is, it’s not just time and energy that’s involved in doing things for other people, but also emotional labour. If I’m not in a good place emotionally or mentally — either because I have too much on my plate, or too much on my mind — regardless of how much “free time I have” I’m not going to be much of a help to someone else. Plus, I’m definitely not improving my situation either. When in doubt, fall back on airplane wisdom: in case of emergency, don your own oxygen mask before assisting others. — NM

Put your devices away. 

Put down your phone. Stop binging your Netflix show. Close your laptop, Park Jimin can wait. If you really think about it, a lot of the stress you experience (for my friends and I, at least), comes from having to finish a task last minute. We lead busy lives, so when we have some downtime, rather than spending all of it binge-watching Friends, try to get some of your work done so you don’t get overwhelmed when your life gets extra busy. Starting early not only ensures you’ll get everything done on time, but also makes the task less taxing, and allows you to do a better job, too. 

How Peak employees follow Vivien’s advice:

I have a free app on my phone (and a Chrome extension on my computer) called Forest. The app/program that lets you set a timer and, until your time’s up, you can’t leave the screen you were working on or the Forest app. If you outlast your timer, Forest plants a tiny tree in a digital forest for you — which provides cute virtual motivation and literally forces you not to goof around with your electronics. — GM 

I use a free app called Cold Turkey. You can set the websites that you go to when you procrastinate — I usually put down Twitter and Facebook here —  and then the app blocks you from being able to access them. I can also set a timer for how long I want to work. This is very helpful because I do much of my work on my computer, so I can still type and do research on it without being distracted. — KC

 

L Word: Generation Q is the queer content we’ve been longing for

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Arts
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Courtesy of SHOWTIME
Courtesy of SHOWTIME

by Yelin Gemma Lee, Peak Associate

For those of you that don’t know, SHOWTIME’s L Word is a six-season TV show that aired between 2004–09 about the loves and lives of a community of lesbians. The show that critics raved to be “groundbreaking” was the first show of its kind in the way it centered around lesbians and the female gaze. 

It is still considered iconic and notorious for being a part of many coming out journeys. That being said, the script is cheesy, cliché, melodramatic, and has many documented wrongs in irresponsible discourse towards transgender, bisexual, people of colour, sexual assault survivors, and addiction. 

10 years after the last episode of L Word aired on a cliff-hanger to a frustrating final season, L Word: Generation Q made its grand debut. Judging by the five episodes that are currently released, many stylistic elements remain the same as the L Word — it shows many different characters’ stories while still tying it together under one intertwined community. The clear difference is that the content and target audience has shifted from being a show dedicated strictly to lesbians to a show dedicated to queers. 

Feminist and progressive thinking underline the show, and each episode seems to tackle an extremely relatable and prominent topic in the queer community. It seems that Ilene Chaiken, the creator of the original L Word, intends to mend these critical mistakes and properly give it another go in this sequel show. L Word: Generation Q introduced a racially diverse cast which includes a transgender main character. 

Several of the original L Word characters return as leaders in the community, and this adds a very accurate and wonderful element of intergenerational queer culture. How an older generation become business owners, show producers, politicians etc. and make space for younger queers — this element is one of the things I love the most about L Word: Generation Q and our very own Vancouver queer community. 

The show seems to focus much less on unnecessary dramatics, and more on the real life struggles and queer experiences, these include religious trauma, family abandonment, addiction, transphobia, sexism, homophobia, gender discomfort, healthy communication, and consent culture. Not only does the show introduce these, but they’ve been doing it responsibly and thoughtfully. 

Despite these serious themes, the humour is fresh, the relationship drama is entertaining, and the soundtrack is a bop. I didn’t know I could still gain anything from the L Word, but with Generation Q, I realized I do. I needed the complex storylines and themes that this show bravely faces to show the queer community that we are not alone in our struggles and victories. 

Generation Q has come to make amends for all the wrongs in the original series and to show everyone else in the industry what queer representation can really look like. It drops the melodramatic tragedy of L Word and proudly presents a more realistic portrayal of the persevered and united queer community of our generation. Although it’s a very queer show, I think it would be interesting, valuable, and enjoyable for heterosexuals to watch as well. 

By no means do you need to watch the L Word to watch Generation Q. In fact, I highly advise against it. Take a break from RuPaul’s Drag Race or Queer Eye to peer at what the queer community looks like from a less ‘spectacle’ lens in what is marketed as “a bold new series for a bold new generation.”

DEAR PEAKIE: Talking over the cold, homicide, and fake news

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Humour
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Chris Ho

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie,

How can I stay warm on campus? I literally wear so many layers and the cold mountain still freezes me to the bone.

From, MD

 

Hi, MD,

Layers are useless and untrustworthy. Just look at onions. No matter how many layers you peel away, it’s still an onion and you still cry about that fact. So my advice to you is to invest in a solution that has few to no layers at all — a fluffy blanket, a large suitcase. Wrap yourself in your chosen item, and let yourself be carried from place to place by someone with even fewer layers, like a 20-year-old frequent patron of The Pint. 

Love, Peakie

—

Dear Peakie,

I’m in an assigned group project with a girl I’ve had beef with since first year. How do I make it through this class without having to bury a body while STILL upholding a high standard of excellence in this group presentation from hell?

From, NM

 

Hi, NM,

I don’t know why you would bury a body when everyone knows the correct disposal method is to dissolve the flesh in a pit of lye. It even said so on Riverdale. This tells me that you don’t have to do anything to make it through this class without murdering a classmate. I mean, even if you tried, you just wouldn’t have the ingenuity or education to succeed. 

Maybe if you spent more time following your internal directive to overwork yourself and cover for everyone else’s incompetence without ever vocalizing your own psychological needs, and less time being all weird and judgy and homicidal, you would have no trouble maintaining your high standard of academic excellence.

Love, Peakie

P.S. Peakie doesn’t condone violence. Dear God, take your revenge fantasies to Reddit or something. 

—

Dear Peakie, 

I got stuck in a ditch while trying to walk down Gaglardi. I’ve called 911 several times but SFU Security hasn’t found me. How do I look sexy as a snow mummy so the archeologists of the future know how fine I was while alive? 

Sincerely, Tell My Mom I Love Her.

 

Hi, Tell My Mom I Love Her,

This story sounds kind of like something that didn’t happen. Hear me out. First of all, if you were really trying to contact SFU Security, 911 is absolutely not the number you would call. So that makes me question whether you even attend this school. Second of all, if you were REALLY a snow mummy trapped in some derelict ditch on Gaglardi, you would NOT have the Internet connection required to send me this question. I can’t even get a good signal in The Peak office — probably because said signal is being blocked by my coworkers’ airborne vape cloud of secrets and disgusting lies. Third of all, if you loved your mother, you would be safe from snow mummification because you would have worn your winter jacket before leaving the house this morning, like she raised you to do.

Love, Peakie

Resources for Australian bushfire relief

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Features
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Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

By: Kelly Chia, Features Editor

As of the time this article is being written, 10.7 million hectares have been burnt in Australia. The Guardian reports that 1,700 homes have been lost, and 23 people have died due to the bushfires in South Australia, New South Wales (NSW), and Victoria. The ecological damage is devastating: The Age reports scientists’ fear that millions of animals are dead, but it is difficult to estimate as these bushfires are unprecedented in scale and severity. 

To put it bluntly, a continent is burning. Below, we’ve listed some organizations you can donate to. 

 

Firefighters
We can donate to the firefighters; donations to the following organizations are going toward the general benefit of the volunteer fire brigades. Some of the organizations listed below specifically provide financial assistance to the firefighters, helping lessen distress caused by the fires. These donations allow them to continue supporting their communities.

NSW Rural Fire Service
With 100 fires burning across the state, NSW has been heavily affected by the fires in particular. Donations to the NSW Rural Fire Service generally go towards the volunteer brigades.

CFS Foundation
The CFS Foundation provides immediate financial help for volunteer firefighters in South Australia to alleviate any suffering they may have undergone in their line of service.

County Fire Authority (CFA) Fire Service
Based in Victoria, the CFA Fire Service lets donors choose what they’d like their money to go towards. They can donate towards the welfare of the volunteer firefighters, affected communities, or donate directly to the organization itself. 

Rural Fire Brigade Association Queensland (RFBAQ)
The RFBAQ represents more than 1,400 brigades in Queensland. Donations going towards RFBAQ will provide the rural fire brigades with tools and resources that their volunteers need.

 

Communities
These are resources dedicated to rebuilding communities and providing hunger and financial relief to them.

Foundation for Rural & Regional Renewal (FRRR)
FRRR is an organization that claims their Disaster Resilience and Recovery Fund will help directly support community leaders. In the past, FRRR says that it has donated 19 million dollars for disaster relief. 

Fire Relief Fund for First Nations Communities
This is a fundraiser through GoFundMe specifically to rebuild affected First Nations communities. Led by community rights and empowerment advocate Neil Morris, a Yorta Yorta First Nations man, the fundraiser’s goals are to provide amenities, basic refurbishing, temporary shelter, and funds to help replace valuable items. Morris says that the aim for this fundraiser is to provide “culturally sensitive, specific direct support to some of those communities with critical costs to cover expenses.” 

Foodbank
Foodbank is an organization focused on hunger relief that works with 2,400 charity-run food relief programs. Donations will support communities in Victoria, though you can choose different states to donate to as well.

Lord Mayor’s Distress Relief Fund (LMDRF)
The LMDRF provides “financial assistance to individuals for the alleviation and relief of distress, suffering and personal hardships, brought about by any disaster or emergency within Western Australia.” They establish a permanent fund so that it can always be provided in emergency times. The City of Perth manages the administration fees, so donations are completely dedicated to people in need.

Wildlife
Over the last few weeks, the number of animals that have died in the bushfires has surpassed one billion. Many animals will lose their home while fleeing, and some of the resources are dedicated to provide drinking water for them as they become dehydrated.

Port Macquarie Koala Hospital Fundraiser
This is a fundraiser that puts drinking stations throughout the region for animal use. The money has thus far been used to build 100 drinking stations in New South Wales.

WIRES 
WIRES is dedicated to wildlife rescue in Australia, and this emergency season has seen them busier than ever. Financial donations will allow them to help on a national level, letting them give funds to other states and territories, as they’ve been primarily focusing their efforts on NSW. 

SAVEM
SAVEM is a Tier 2 Response and Recovery Agency in South Australia. This means that in an emergency, they are given clearance by the Control Agency (the South Australia Country Fire Service for Bushfire) to give emergency veterinary assistance. They “assess, triage, treat, shelter, reunite with owners or rehabilitate and return to habitat all species of animal post-event.” Currently, they’re focusing on livestock, and are waiting to be asked to provide wildlife tasking in a few weeks.

World Wildlife Fund (WWF) Australia
WWF says that donations will be used to collaborate with communities and scientists to provide a fast emergency response to help habitats recover. They would also like to “future-proof” Australia by funding solutions that help mitigate climate change to secure Australian natural resources.

SFU welcomes its REAL new president: Canadian-brand Meghan Markle

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Humour
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Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

After months of tireless searching, a stroke of good luck has brought SFU our next school president. In a move to return to its radical eat-the-rich roots, SFU will be replacing Andrew Petter in the fall of 2020 with Canadian-brand Meghan Markle. 

“Well, it’s like I said that one time: ‘Be able to delegate, because there are some things that you just can’t do by yourself,’” reminisces Canadian-brand Markle. “And SFU definitely can’t function by itself. Just look at all the leaking tiles.”

Though Meghan Markle has an extensive professional history, Canadian-brand Meghan Markle is a different story. She is a life chapter so new that she might not even satisfy Locke’s psychological criterion of personal identity. Despite this, she has continued the old Meghan Markle’s legacy of kindness and philanthropy. Most recently, she dug a missing fourth year out of the dirty snowbanks beside the lower bus loop, all with her bare hands, and paid all his deferred residences fees out of pocket.

This career development comes quickly after the ex-royal’s pledge to become “financially independent” from the royal family. However, Canadian-brand Markle notes, most of her presidential pay cheque will cover the cost of being married to Canadian-brand Prince Harry, who has just enrolled at SFU as an undergrad.

Canadian-brand Harry has also expressed interest in running for the role of SFSS at-large representative later this semester.

“It only makes sense,” he told The Peak. “By then, I’ll have more lived experience than anyone when it comes to being at large.”

Canadian-brand Baby Archie is slated to replace Sylvia Ceacero as SFSS Executive Director. Some SFSS directors have raised concerns that he is too young right now to take command of the organization. Luckily for them, his term isn’t effective until the semester the SUB is completed.

“This is not what I was promised”: Students protest 2020, the dawn of a disappointing decade

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Humour
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Written by Jennifer Low, Peak Associate

Whatever happened to that bright, shiny new-decade glow? SFU students have come to point out that the wool cannot be pulled over their eyes any longer. The arrival of 2020 did not come with liberation, self-reinvention, or fresh starts. Instead, students lie awake at night facing the same old troubles: a cringeworthy mental gag reel of past embarrassments, the realization that they’ve set totally unrealistic goals, and the reality that absolutely nothing has changed since last year. 

In short, it may only be January, but students have already begun to feel ripped off by the new 20s. On Monday, students gathered outside the unfinished Student Union Building to protest the decade.

Most students gathered in a circle, wildly waving their arms and screaming their grievances. Like an unruly Twitter thread, students’ opinions rang out loud and uninhibited throughout Convocation Mall. One student even performed the popular 2012 “Gangnam Style” dance to demonstrate through art his desire to return to the 2010s. 

Several other students were seen roasting their 2020 calendars and lists of New Year’s resolutions over SFU’s fire pits, a visual demonstration of their own unresolved feelings of burnout. Fuel for the fire included gym attire, annotated class syllabuses, novels, learner driver’s manuals, vegan cookbooks, diet plans, unsent resumes, bathroom scales, and gardening tools. 

“This is not what I was promised!” an emotional student exclaimed as he raised a Mandalorian themed sign stating “2020, this is NOT the way. I have spoken!” An image on the poster likened the student’s 2020 experience to Baby Yoda being punched by a Stormtrooper. 

Searching for her first-year in the crowd, a helicopter parent took a moment to voice her concern that 2020 gives students an excuse to engage in certain distasteful behaviours. 

“It’s bad enough that in 2020, it will be 4/20 for an entire month,” said Thea Helicopter. “But Facebook is telling me that children believe that 2020 means they should ‘party like Gatsby’ from 2020 to 2029! I don’t even know who this Gatsby is! He’s probably some YouTuber! Why can’t children sit inside and read a good book anymore?” 

In a mass email to the student body, SFU advised all angry students to pay an additional fee to download SFU’s newest app, SFUdankvault, a combined hub for dank memes and anonymous confessions. Advanced AI chatbots will be regularly active on the app, liking and commenting on posts, to make students feel heard and address all of their concerns. 

Coming Up at SFU: Jan 20–26

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Peak Web
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Written by: Jess Dela Cruz, News Writer

Uniting to Improve Healthcare for Patients 

January 21 | SFU Surrey, RM SP 291 | 1 p.m.–4 p.m. | Free

Part of the Champions of Science & Tech Speaker Series and hosted by the Chang Institute for Entrepreneurship, the panel will discuss the healthcare system and highlight how, as the Event page states, unity is needed to “advance innovation.” Topics include: changes that may need to be done, the introduction of new and advanced technologies and therapies, and the various players in the system that are needed to create and improve Canadian healthcare. Registration is required, and can be found on the SFU events page.

Challenging Carceral Feminism: Why police and prisons are not the solution to sexual violence 

January 23 | SFPIRG Lounge, TC 326 | 1:30 p.m.–4:30 p.m. | Free

The Simon Fraser Public Interest Research Group (SFPIRG), a group focused on social and environmental justice funded and directed solely by students, is holding a discussion based on transformative justice, “Challenging Carceral Feminism: Why police and prisons are not the solution to sexual violence.” 

This event fits in well given that January is Sexual Assault Awareness Month at SFU. Join SFPIRG and others “to build capacity in our communities for responding to harm, including sexual violence, without relying on the state.” 

Peer Cafes Workshop – MOSAIC 

January 23 | SFU Global Student Centre | 5 p.m.–7 p.m. | Free

In partnership with Fraser International College (FIC), and Residence and Housing for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, MOSAIC is bringing an interactive workshop that provides students the education and tools to deeper their understanding and engage in disussing matters involving sexual assault. These include: defining gender-based violence, consent, rape culture, and the cultural expectations observed in host culture. Registration is required and can be found on the SFU events page.

MOSAIC is a “registered charity serving immigrant, refugee, migrant and mainstream communities in Greater Vancouver and the Fraser Valley as well as throughout the province of BC and overseas via online programs.”

Salish Singing and Drumming Workshop 

January 23 | SFU Goldcorp Centre for the Arts | 7 p.m.–9 p.m. | Free 

SFU frequently aims to highlight Indigenous culture in its educational mission, as it currently sits on the unceded Coast Salish Territory of the Musqueam, Squamish, Tsleil-Waututh, and Kwikwetlem Nations. In accordance with this mission, the Office of Community Engagement, and the Office for Aboriginal Peoples, are holding a workshop where you “learn traditional Salish drumming techniques and hear the stories and histories behind these songs.” Registration is required, and can be done on the SFU events page. 

Violence, Nonviolence, and Necessary Suffering 

January 24 | Harbour Centre Rm 2270 | 6 p.m. | Free 

This event hosted by the SFU Institute for the Humanities entails a philosophical discussion about the relationship between violence and non-violence, and their roles in society. The book that inspired this event will also be sold on-site. According to the event description, pain is a part of life, and for humans to liberate themselves from injustice, “humans should learn to embrace necessary suffering.” University of Victoria Professor of Sociology Peyman Vahabz (who also wrote the aforementioned book) and SFU Professor Emeritus of Humanities, Ian Angus, will be speakers at this event. This event is organized by the SFU Institute for the Humanities. Registration is required and can be found on the SFU events page. 

Improv Opera Episode 1: Coral Calls for Cloud 

January 26 | SFU Goldcorp Centre for the Arts | 2:00 p.m., 2:45 p.m., 3:30 p.m. | $7-$15 

This interdisciplinary artistic performance is the first of several sessions that combine fine art, poetry, video, music, and science. The story, according to the event description, is based on the “fascinating phenomenon where overheated coral reefs emit bio-chemicals which become aerosols, thus triggering cooling cloud formations directly above themselves.”

It is written by Meagan Woods, an interdisciplinary artist, choreographer, and Master of Fine Arts candidate in Interdisciplinary Arts. She collaborated with SFU’s School for the Contemporary Arts, SFU’s Music Program, and other well known composers and musicians to put on this performance. Tickets can be purchased through the SFU events page. 

Your weekly SFU horoscopes: January 20–26

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Humour
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An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

You’ll sweat a bit this week. You think your friends might be playing “kiss, marry, kill” with your id, ego, and superego, all behind your back. Chill out and don’t let them make you feel awkward. Just play “kill, kill, kill” . . . with your expectations of loyalty.  

Taurus — April 20–May 20

You’ll have a disagreement or two this week. Don’t ever budge; don’t ever concede anything. If your opponent brings actual logical rebuttals to your opinions, just hide in the CSSS common room and pretend it didn’t happen. 

Gemini — May 21–June 20

This week, you will question everything about yourself. Splinter your sense of self further by completing a 100% completion speed-run of The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. Those moon children . . . Your mind won’t handle their existential questioning.

Cancer — June 21–July 22

You’re an empath, and you don’t like it. You want to burn down your tender spirit, but you can’t. There’s no hope for you. Cry forever as you empathize with dumb wastes of space who have medical and dental, yet didn’t opt out of SFU’s redundant plan. 

Leo — July 23–August 22

You’ll be unlucky in love this week. Everyone you’re crushing on turns to dust when you approach! But don’t get down on yourself. It’s not your fault you radiate nuclear sunshine, it’s their fault they don’t engage in cute hazmat suit role-play when you walk by.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

Friends may encourage you to dress a little edgier this week. Roll with their advice. Arrive at the club in full-body chainmail and cut every man you come across in half. 

Libra — September 23–October 22

You’re conflicted about how you can make the target of your affections love you back. But they say that if you love something, you let it go. So the solution is clear: walk right up to your would-be beau, say something dramatic and confusing like “you NEVER cared about me,” and then run in the opposite direction at top speed. The further you go, the deeper their love.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

This week, eat nothing but Salt and Vinegar Pringles from Nesters. The heavy salt will grant you a barrier to banish your inner demons. Oh, and early-onset dementia. 

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

Breathe in, breathe out. Exhale the darkness of your heart. Forgive your Menchies frozen yogurt cup for being cuter than you.

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

You’re exhausted this week, spiritually. Don’t be scared to surrender some independence. Take a load off your back by making someone else show up to your lectures and spend them staring blankly at pages of Elon Musk RPF (real-person fanfiction).

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

This week, you’re tired of always saying things that aren’t what you really mean. Solve this by simply never saying anything. Decrease your own emotional labour and make the peanut gallery really work to access your beautiful mind. 

Pisces — February 19–March 20

Shhhhhh . . . you and I both know you can’t handle the future this week. Take five.

I accidentally joined the university pyramid scheme

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Humour
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0

Written by Paige Riding

Check your phone — there’s a new direct message on Instagram. Is it a clueless friend, sending you ANOTHER meme you’ve already seen? Doja Cat, finally responding to the thirst trap you sent her while high? You unlock your phone, and . . .

It’s Kelsee, the girl from high school who bullied you for years. Beautiful. You already know what it’ll say.

Hey girl!! I’m reaching out because my regional President challenged me to reach out to 10 strong, fierce women who may be interested in earning money from home! Would you like to hear more about this ~amazing~ opportunity?!

You lock your phone again. You’d never fall for a stupid pyramid scheme, you think proudly. Think again, Kelsee. Not all of us will be willing to sell skin care products while wrangling other investors. Unlike some people, I have too much savvy and too much social anxiety to message anyone. So who’s the real loser?

***

I have some news, though. University is a pyramid scheme, too. You just don’t know it yet.

***

You’re accepted for your undergraduate program of choice. You beat out three other kids who attended two math classes all of grade 12. Nice. An entrance scholarship is the thimble you will use to scoop the water out of your metaphorical financial boat, sinking slowly, slowly, then, in true John Green style, all at once.

You need to spend here to make money out there, right? So, bring on hefty tuition payments. Work your ass off for four-plus years. Do you even care about what you study? It’s hard to think of an answer when you’re caught up in the afterglow of Welcome Day, the smiling faces and free food (the facades, the recruitment tactics). University, you start telling everyone you know, is an amazing opportunity.

There’s worries about money, of course. There’s gnawing anxiety about how you’ve so quickly compromised your beliefs and your personality. But you really feel accepted, appreciated. Not just by your new friends at school, who will stick by you forever (probably), but even by those fellow Reddit posters who validate your sub-par memes.

***

Congratulations! You have a piece of paper. Your education level is probably high enough for you to never get a job in your field of choice, and you’re still haunted by this ghastly debt. 

Most graduates like you have two choices. Compromise your desired career for a humiliating entry-level job that didn’t pertain at all to those $150 textbooks you looked at twice. Or — come right back to university for a graduate degree. 

You really do always come back.

***

You agree to work tirelessly for the university. You agree to being a TA and researching. Somehow, it’s Friday night and you’re marking 75 second-year papers. Half the kids still don’t know the difference between “there,” “their,” and “they’re.” 

But all the while, you encourage the students — to study hard, to take that new class (you despised the prof and the assignments were dumb), to just keep working at it. Eventually, it’ll all be worth it.

It’s been who-knows-how-long since you’ve had more than six hours of sleep. And you just typed “January 2016” on the top of your report, because we may be in a new decade, but you still haven’t gotten over the trauma of that year.

***

With a master’s degree under your belt, you realize you’ve sunk more money and effort into the university than you ever wanted. The worst part? Your studies have been so specific that at this point, any job that actually pertains to them will once again lead you right back into the university’s warm embrace.

So, a doctorate? You could. You consider it. That degree gets you the big bucks. That lets you teach!

Just a few more guaranteed government loans, a zesty splash of interest, all this schooling . . . 

All you really have to show for it are a bunch of PDFs clogging up your laptop and a load of fashionable, Jacob Marley-esque debt shackled to your ankle. But, you resign yourself as you upload yet another pirated reading to Canvas. There is no getting out now.

***

Look upward — look at the university administration. The ones who lose their minds over a parking violation but can’t seem to do much about the ridiculous international student tuition or the potentially rabid raccoons waltzing through the AQ. Those are the ones at the top, looking down upon the rest of us helpless idiots with pity in their eyes. They know that they will always be just a little bit better off than us.

Until, of course, the eventual collapse of the entire system. What happens when enough families bypass the university recruitment week? Or students begin an uprising to stop tuition altogether? But until then . . . 

You’re just a cog in the multi-billion dollar education industry. Truly, however, they couldn’t do it without people like you and me. 

Check your phone — there’s a new post from Kelsee. She’s celebrating her fifth anniversary with an army man from her hometown. With three kids and a dog, Kelsee is thriving. Her low-cut Guess jeans and cowgirl boots pair delightfully with her blonde streaks and perm. 

Her years of hustling back in the day helped her become the successful bank teller she is today. She escaped . . . when do we get to?

I fell in love with a meme king

By
Humour
-
0

Written by Kim Regala, Staff Writer

I’ve always been a firm non-believer of romance. Ever since that school dance in the sixth grade . . . This kid thought the best way to ask me out was with a cheesy pick-up line, something like “the only math I need is you + me = us on the dance floor.” I looked him straight in the eye and walked right out of the gymnasium for all his friends to see. I heard he cried after. Pathetic. 

However, my entire perspective on love completely flipped the day I met my meme king.

Trust me: back then, I was no meme queen. I was more like a meme peasant, or maybe even lower than that. A meme Black Death-carrying flea, maybe. I’ll never forget hearing my high school friends laughing about “Miley, what’s good?” while I would just sit there, unquirky, unrelatable, keeping up my poker face. Who are you, Miley, wherever you are? I would think to myself. Are you OK?

Anyway. It happened one casual evening. As I swiped through Tinder boys, a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio suddenly popped up — a still from The Great Gatsby where Gatsby is raising his champagne glass for a toast. Quickly, I swiped right, thinking that I finally found someone who shares the same passion about art and literature. Little did I know, I had stumbled upon someone far better. Jerry was, in fact, a meme king. Soon to be . . . my meme king. 

I soon found out that Jerry had never actually seen or read The Great Gatsby. All of it was just a reference to some other thing. I wasn’t really sure what that other thing could be, if not the novel or movie that the image came from. But do you seriously think I was about to just expose my ignorance to someone I’d just met? 

Like most relationships, ours started out slow and steady. He’d send only two or three memes a day — four if I got lucky. At first, I’d only reply back with an “LOL.” Occasionally, I’d spice it up with a Face with Tears of Joy emoji. But as we got closer, the meme-sending became more frequent. Eventually, I too started replying back with my own memes. 

Granted, I had no clue what Grumpy Cat or Surprised Pikachu had to do with anything. But when you’ve been dating a meme king for this long, it’s hard not to pick up on what clicks and what doesn’t.

We’re three years into our relationship now. Honestly, I really think Jerry could be the one. He’s loyal — never missed a single day of memery — and so smart as he constantly reinvents our previously taught understanding of grammar and vocabulary. Most importantly, he’s shown me things that I have never seen before: things I’ll never be able to unsee again. 

Speaking of which, I’ve never actually seen what Jerry himself looks like. Up until recently, his Facebook profile picture was Baby Yoda. Just last Tuesday, he changed it to Crying Kim K. But I’m certain that on the first day we meet in real life, sparks will fly, just like when I first swiped right.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024