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The Rotunda groups have won their space and that’s something we can all smile about

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Opinions
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The long fight for SUB space is finally over. Photo: Chris Ho/The Peak

By: Meera Eragoda, Staff Writer

WOW! Did any of us think we would be students at SFU long enough to witness the SFSS Board of Directors doing something so wholly unproblematic as giving the Rotunda groups space in the new SUB? Honestly though, all snark aside, these kinds of actions are what the SFSS Board of Directors should continue to focus on moving forward. 

Though this year is young, the SFSS Board started it out embroiled in a financial fiasco. I understand that the SFSS Board can’t control all events that occur, and that not everyone on the SFSS Board feels the same way about every issue, but I hope they all find it nicer to be facing positive opinions with the SUB space decision, rather than student ire.

The Rotunda groups’ fight for space began before I started attending SFU, but in pondering this good news, I was struck by how long this fight has actually drawn out. There is a Peak article from back in 2013 that details the need to consider the Rotunda groups when constructing the SUB. 2013! Clearly, this advice was never actually taken into consideration back then, or students wouldn’t have had to fight so hard over the last few years just to get this current tentative agreement. 

By nature, universities have a constantly revolving door of students, with old ones graduating and new ones arriving. SFU has an additional factor to this revolving nature that comes from our commuter campus status. This all creates a feeling of impermanence or temporality with what goes on at our disbursed campuses. Given all of this, I am impressed by the ability of the Rotunda groups to organize and succeed in their fight, despite spanning multiple years and student bodies.

Now is the SFSS Board’s chance to lock this space down for the groups and show us that they are committed to supporting campus resources for students instead of taking them away.

 

 

SFU Hockey set for playoff showdown with the Vancouver Island University Mariners

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Sports
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0
SFU has never won a BCIHL Championship in the current playoff format. — Photo: SFU Hockey

By: Michael Lenko, Peak Associate

The SFU Hockey team will take on the Vancouver Island University (VIU) Mariners in the first round of the British Columbia Intercollegiate Hockey League (BCIHL) playoffs. At the time of writing, SFU and VIU were tied for second place in the league standings with 28 points. Fittingly, the two teams will meet in the final game of the BCIHL regular season to determine home ice advantage in the first round of the playoffs. 

While SFU has two games remaining on their regular season schedule compared to one for VIU, due to the Mariners’ edge over the Clan in the season series between the two teams, the only game that matters is the final one of the season. Because of this, whichever team secures a victory in this game will host the first round playoff series.

Regardless of the location of the first round playoff series, the Clan will look to build off a strong regular season that was highlighted by standout performances by some team leaders. With just two games left in the season, forward Mac Colasimone leads the team with 26 points in 22 games. Rookie forward Ty Westgard has had an outstanding first season in the BCIHL, having accumulated 25 points in the same amount of games as Colasimone. On the blue line, defenceman Domenic Masellis leads all Clan defenders with nine points on the year. Between the pipes, which has arguably been the Clan’s strength this season, goaltenders Patrick Zubick and Andrew Henderson have combined to allow just 66 goals this season, which is second only to the league leading Trinity Western Spartans. There is no doubt that strong goaltending has played a large role in SFU’s success this year, given that the team also boasts the distinction of being one of only two teams with a positive goal differential. 

The impending playoff series against the VIU Mariners is likely to be a tightly contested battle between two evenly matched teams. The Mariners currently hold a 3-1-1 advantage in the season series, with the Clan’s only win coming in their first game of the season. SFU will certainly have their hands full as they attempt to deal with the Mariners’ potent first line that is headlined by Garrett Dunlop, who leads the team with 34 points and has recorded a point in every game of the season. The Clan will also have to keep an eye on the Mariners’ high-scoring defender Seth Schmidt, who has amassed 19 points from the backend this season. It’s also likely that Jeremy Balyk will be in goal for the Mariners to open the series. Balyk has turned in an impressive rookie season in the BCIHL by posting a .913 save percentage and nine wins in 16 games.

In advance of the playoffs, The Peak was able to sit down with members of the Clan to discuss the coming series against the Mariners and the general state of the team as they embark on the pursuit of their first league title since 2013. Assistant captain Eric Callegari believes that “Overall, the team chemistry has been way better [this year] and has shown in the standings, with us [likely] sitting in second place heading into playoffs.”

When asked what changes have led to the success the team has seen this season compared to last year, Callegari stressed the importance of the team chemistry exhibited by this year’s group. Callegari noted similarities between the 2019–20 edition of the Clan and the Aldergrove Kodiaks he captained to a Pacific Junior Hockey League title in 2017. He emphasized that the closeness of the group and the almost family-like atmosphere in the locker room were important aspects of the championship group in Aldergrove that he feels are present in the Clan this year. 

Parallel to this, associate head coach Ryan Sandrin is confident that one of the major improvements this year’s squad has made in comparison to previous editions of the team is the top quality talent up and down the roster. Sandrin trusts that this version of the Clan is one of the most talented groups in the history of the program. Additionally, Sandrin also feels that the player’s ability to successfully adapt to different roles the coaching staff have asked them to play this season has been central to their success.

When asked what he thinks SFU will need to focus on to beat the Mariners, Sandrin stressed discipline, speed, and systems, arguing that “while we are one of the least penalized teams, we need to clean up the dumb 200-foot penalties.” Sandrin trusts that, if the Clan are able to use their speed and get their feet moving, the team will have success against the bigger and slower Mariners.

A final point that Sandrin stressed was the need to stick to the systems the team has established throughout the season. He thinks that breakdowns that have come at inopportune times this season have stemmed from players neglecting the systems that have brought the team success. While Sandrin admits the team is young and will make mistakes, he believes their dynamic skills can compensate for this and that the team will find success in the BCIHL playoffs.

On this note, the Clan’s leading rookie scorer Ty Westgard feels that “playing our own game and not getting pulled into theirs” will be a key to the Clan’s success in the first round. Like Sandrin, Westgard argued that staying disciplined and using team speed will be crucial if the team is to overcome the Mariners to advance to the BCIHL finals. 

When asked what he can do to help contribute to a successful playoff run, Westgard noted his role on special teams as one of his individual points of focus for the upcoming series. Westgard feels that if the Clan are able to achieve a 20% success rate on the powerplay, it will be tough to beat them. Like his teammate, Westgard also cited a family-like atmosphere as a vital component of postseason success when The Peak asked what characteristics he sees in successful teams he’s played on. He affirms that the Clan has fully established this chemistry in advance of the playoffs. 

It’s not hard to make the case that this year’s edition of the SFU Hockey team is one of the most exciting groups the program has had in years. With high-end skill, team chemistry, and strong goaltending, the Clan has one of the best opportunities to hang a championship banner inside the Bill Copeland Sports Centre that they’ve had in years. While SFU will face an opponent they have struggled against this season, it’s clear that both the coaching staff and players are confident that they can use speed, discipline, and a commitment to team systems to claim their first BCIHL Championship since 2011. 

SFU Hockey secures third win of season over Trinity Western University Spartans

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Sports
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SFU can clinch second place in the league standings with a win over Vancouver Island University on the final day of the regular season. — Photo: BCIHL

By: Michael Lenko, Peak Associate

In a hard-fought game with a playoff-like atmosphere at the George Preston Recreation Centre in Langley, SFU goaltender Patrick Zubick turned in what was arguably his best performance of the season to lead the Clan to a much needed 3–2 victory over the Trinity Western University Spartans. On the back of Zubick’s epic performance, the Clan kept their hopes for a first round playoff series at home alive. One of the most complete games for the Clan this year allows the team to claim second place in the British Columbia Intercollegiate Hockey League (BCIHL) standings with a win over the Vancouver Island University Mariners on the final day of the regular season.

During a heated first period, both teams were ready to play from the drop of the puck. The opening frame saw the physicality pushed to a playoff-like level with tight checking from both teams, limiting scoring chances. While both teams combined for 26 shots in the frame — 16 for SFU and 10 for the Spartans — both goaltenders looked sharp and stopped everything they faced.

The Clan got off to a quick start in the second period as Dominic Masellis opened the scoring with a point shot through traffic less than a minute into the frame. However, the Spartans promptly responded on the powerplay as Evan Last batted a puck out of mid-air to tie the game. The shots remained relatively even through the second as the Spartans outshot the Clan 20–14.

In the third, the SFU powerplay changed the course of the game. On a late-man advantage, Arjun Badh picked up a loose puck in the slot with just over five minutes left in the game and placed a perfect shot over the shoulder of Spartans goaltender Lucas Mills to reestablish the Clan’s one-goal lead. Then, with just under two minutes left in the game, Ty Westgard slammed home a loose puck into a wide-open net off of a rebound opportunity to provide a much needed insurance marker. Westgard’s goal would prove to be vital as Spartan’s forward Logan Casavant scored with the goalie pulled for the extra attacker to bring Trinity Western to within one goal late in the game. However, 3–2 was as close as the Spartan’s would get as Patrick Zubick shut the door the rest of the way, making a phenomenal 46 saves on the night. 

With the win, the Clan now control their own destiny when it comes to securing second place in the BCIHL standings and home ice advantage in their first-round playoff matchup. SFU will take on the VIU Mariners in the final game of the BCIHL regular season to determine which team will host the first round playoff series between the two teams.  

Spotlight: CCO SFU

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Multimedia
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The mind behind the memes: An exclusive interview with @sfu_raccoons

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Features
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Photo: Needpix

By: Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

With over 1,100 followers on Instagram, @sfu_raccoons has become a hit hub for showcasing SFU’s favourite furry friends. I interviewed the person behind @sfu_raccoons to get the inside scoop on their growing social-media stardom; their first post was made in October 2019 and they’ve only grown since. To preserve the mystery behind the account, they have chosen to stay anonymous.

Why did you start @sfu_raccoons?

That’s a good question. My friends actually were always making fun of me because I was just constantly always recording the raccoons in residence, just on my story on my own Instagram. And after a while I was kind of like, “I have a lot of pictures in my camera, my story always has raccoons on it at some point,” and I thought, “There used to be raccoon Instagrams [ . . . ] Maybe I should start one.”

I’ve seen those other accounts, and they don’t have nearly as many followers as you do. What do you think makes your account stand out from theirs?

It’s largely in part just consistency. I think in the beginning, I was definitely posting a lot. There [was] a staff-in-residence, and he sent me this Google Drive with all of these pictures that he’d taken [of raccoons] in residence and I was like, “Whoa, okay, this is cool.” So in the beginning, a lot of them were those, and then just ones I had on my phone. So I think the fact that I just posted a lot helped. And it got shared around really fast too.

Yeah, you have over a thousand [followers], that’s crazy.

Yeah, it kind of blew up. I didn’t think it was going to. 

What’s your favourite raccoon meme? Either that you’ve posted or you’ve seen around?

I think I have two. It was actually the very first one I ever posted: Chonk. Because he was just sitting on the steps and he kind of seemed slumped over [ . . . ] The other one I really like is, I think it’s just a screenshot of a Twitter post, and it was like “me during the day” — I’m going to be healthy, I’m going to start eating right. Then it was “me by 2:00 p.m.”, and it was to the Doordash guy and it said “Give me the gorbage” with a really fat raccoon and I was like, “That’s literally me.”

Along the same lines, do you have a favourite SFU raccoon?

It’s probably Chonk. 

I know there’s been that one tailless boy, he’s just around. And i’ll just randomly get submissions from people where they’re like, “Oh my God, it’s the tailless boy,” and he’s just always around and he seems to be particularly, what’s the word, rebellious, I guess. The first time I ever saw him I was coming up the stairs towards Images [Theatre] and I just saw his butt sticking out and I didn’t see a tail so I was like, “Is this a koala bear?” Like I literally didn’t know what it was. I kind of turned the corner and he looked at me and I was like, “Oh my God, it’s a raccoon.” Those are the two that really stick out.

So the account is mainly run by direct message (DM) submissions, right?

Yep.

Have you ever gotten any weird DM’s that you couldn’t post? Or just totally left field DM’s?

I think they’re the most recent ones that I got, actually. I was actually kind of curious I was like, “What am I going to do with these?” 

I ended up just posting them. It’s raccoons having sex on the balcony in Townhouses. At least it looked kind of PG, you can just kind of see the one behind the other. I was like, “Aw, man.” And I got three of them from different people and they were like, “I also saw the raccoons having sex.” 

Okay, you guys are recording this, it’s one thing for me to [say], “Look at this.” They’re the ones stopping in the middle of their walk to campus and are like, “Let’s record these raccoons doing it.” But yeah, [I’ve gotten] nothing that wasn’t raccoon related.

That’s good. So, how do you come up with the captions?

In the beginning, some of them were just a commentary [on their actions]. Some of them are references to either pop culture or just other memes that I’m like, “that’s kind of funny” [ . . . ] There was one where the raccoon was right up to the camera and I was like, “Mr. Gorbachev, boop that nose,” or something stupid like that. But yeah, sometimes I struggle, and I just make something stupid.

Fair enough. If you could somehow speak to a raccoon and have it understand you, what would you say?

Such a funny question. My instinct would be, “Do you wanna be my friend?” Or “Do you wanna be my pet?” Why do they always do weird stuff with their hands [like rubbing them together]? But yeah, I really don’t know what I’d ask a raccoon. But is he smart? Would it be like talking to a kid, or an adult? There’s too many variables involved in thinking of a raccoon being able to talk.

Which side will you be on when the raccoons inevitably overthrow us and take over the Burnaby campus?

I feel like I’ll be the one leading the charge.

Right at the forefront?

Yeah. You know how the Lorax speaks for the trees? That would be me, but with raccoons.

Some people would say that these kinds of memes, and this kind of normalization of raccoons,, invite people to get closer to them, potentially putting them at risk. What do you think about this idea?

I remember this smear campaign that went out against the raccoons, I think it was in The Peak. I saw that and I was like, “This anti-raccoon propaganda!” I was not happy. I feel like most people are smart enough not to go up to the raccoons directly. Like yes, they’re cute. But at least so far I haven’t gotten any submissions where the people were going right up to them or putting their hand out or anything. So I mean if you’re taking videos from afar, I don’t see the harm in that. I think it’s pretty common sense not to be like, “Hi, let me pet this wild animal.” But [where I work,] we do get calls from people, they’re typically drunk, that have gone up [to them] and they’re sitting with security getting bandaged up. Don’t pet the raccoons, man.

What do you think Chonker is doing right now?

I’m really sad about Chonkers because he used to always sit on those steps that are between Towers and Dining Hall. There’s been some habitat destruction that’s been going on because of all the construction in residence. So those stairs are completely destroyed, they’ve cut down all the bushes where baby raccoons always used to come out and chill. So Chonk’s steps are no longer there and I haven’t seen him around and I’m actually kind of worried. He would just sit there and act cute and people would bring him food, and I was like, “What a good guy.” I was always looking forward to seeing him every time I leave Dining Hall and go down the steps to be like, “Chonk?” But, yeah I haven’t seen him. I hope he’s thriving.

Did you have anything you wanted to say?

UBC just followed me, and their thing is @ubc.forbidden.cats. I [thought], “You only have 40 followers! Well, that’s a shame.” But their thing is new, it started in December. They’re funny, it just seems like it was a response to [@sfu_raccoons]. But also good to know that UBC also has raccoons. I followed them back because I thought that I [was] not going to continue this war between the schools, because this is about the raccoons, and not about us.

You hope to bring people together through raccoons?

Yeah, literally. We are going to foster peace and diplomatic relations between the raccoons of our campuses. That’s a little dramatic, but yeah.

Lesser-known SFU Clubs to help fuel your artistic soul

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Arts
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by Marco Ovies, Arts Editor

Here it comes: the near-end-of-the-semester blues. I don’t know about you, but Week 9 is always the toughest for me because a) my classes start talking about our final papers and exams, b) I’m ready to end the semester but it seems so far away, and c) March 6 is Dentist Day and I don’t know what to get my dentist. To help me deal with that added stress I usually try and partake in some form of artistic relief. So if you’re like me and need some form of creative outlet to help relieve your stress, check out these clubs. 

 

The Darkroom Club:

Are you a fan of analog cameras and want to develop your own film? Well look no further than The Darkroom Club. Personally, I didn’t even know SFU had a darkroom, but this club is trying to make this more accessible to students. It is open to all skill levels and there are plenty of people in the group who are willing to teach newcomers how to start developing their own photos. Plus, the Facebook group hosts cover photo contests where members can submit photos to be used as the group’s cover photo. If you would like to inquire more about joining, or if you just want to use the darkroom, you can leave a message on the Facebook group or contact [email protected].

 

SFU Knitting Club:

Do I know how to knit? Knope, but these guys sure do. They are super beginner-friendly and include all the supplies needed for their workshops, so you can show up and get straight to knitting. On their Facebook page they stress that they exist to “help facilitate healthy stress-reduction techniques to improve your well-being.” On March 3 they are hosting a crochet cat hat workshop for beginners, so be sure to RSVP to that on their Facebook event. 

 

SFU Metal:

If you want to join the ranks of metal-music enthusiasts then look no further than SFU Metal. According to their information page, they are a club meant “to bring metal musicians together for the purpose of playing music and to discuss music theory within the metal community.” I don’t have an extensive knowledge on metal music to say anything insightful here, but you can check up on meeting times and new music on their Facebook group page. 

 

SFU Latin Dance Passion:

Looking to put a little more boogie in your step? You can sign up for dance lessons with SFU’s Latin Dance Passion. They teach both Bachata and Salsa (not the dip, so leave your tortilla chips at home). According to their website they “specialize in helping ‘two left feet’ students become the best dancer they can be,” which is good news for me since two left feet is all I’ve got. Lessons are every Wednesday and are offered at a variety of skill levels. For newcoming participants, students pay $50 for Salsa or Bachata, and it’s $60 if you would like to participate in both — both prices account for the entire semester. Returning participants get $10 off the newcomer price. You can check their schedule online to see which class is right for you.

The 2020 bad-CAT Undergraduate Conference: celebrating the WORST our students have to offer

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Humour
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0
Layout by Siloam Yeung

Written by Zoe Vedova, Peak Associate

The bad-CAT Undergraduate Conference is an annual, terrifying exploration of the diversely terrible student work that gets half-assed at this university. The worst students from all our schools and programs have an equal opportunity to present awkward performances, ill-conceived installations, and horrendously formatted papers.

Students are encouraged to submit projects to bad-CAT 2020 with zero foresight and zero contemplation of what it means to commit to presenting at a conference. Wondering if you’re shitty enough to apply? 

Have you ever . . . 

  • Printed a bibliography without clearing the grey highlight?
  • Handed in a smarter sibling’s paper you found lying around your house?
  • Winged a presentation with an impromptu Mary Jane-fueled interpretive dance on the political economy of mass media?
  • Used a quote that took up an entire page of your paper and then randomly attributed it to The British Journal of Criminology?

Great! Apply now!

The deadline to apply for the conference is February 31.*

All projects submitted through email must include: 

  • Corrupted files and broken PDF links.
  • Document margins that have been clearly dicked around with.
  • A 200–1000 word excuse for why your project is terrible.** 
  • A reference letter from a TA agreeing you are an awful participant.

*Per bad-CAT regulations, no projects submitted before or on February 31 will be accepted.

**If there is any indication you got someone to read over your application before you submitted it, you will be immediately disqualified.  

Here’s what other students have to say about their bad-CAT experience!

“I was honoured to be the only first year allowed to the conference after I accidentally enrolled in Communications, thinking I’d clicked Computers and then never correcting it.”

  • A. Salib, first-semester academic probation.

“The conference isn’t for plain old coasters, you know. It’s for the students who’ve achieved their academic anti-apotheosis scraping against the ocean floor of failure without ever giving up to the peer pressure of taking a gap year.” 

  • T. Glasser, fourth-semester academic probation.

“Bad-CAT is the most inspiring event of the year for me. That’s why even though I’m always accepted, I never show up.” 

  • P. Orin, second-time Required To Withdraw.

SFU wants to formally recognize YOUR disengagement from our community. Apply to bad-CAT whenever you realize you forgot you were supposed to apply for bad-CAT!

DISCLAIMER: bad-CAT Undergraduate Conference has NO RELATIONSHIP to the FCAT Undergraduate Conference, besides the fact that we totally plagiarized their conference name and structure and then changed it a bit so it wasn’t obvious that we copied. Just like we expect you to do on your submissions!

QUIZ: Did you glow up MORE or LESS than SFUNET?

By
Humour
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0
Screenshot courtesy of SFU

Written by Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

SFUNET has gone through some major transformations lately. (You know, that Wi-Fi network that’s always there, but never really gets used because it’s overshadowed by the far superior SFUNET-SECURE and eduroam.) Before, you had to desperately re-click the network names and refresh browser pages. Now, a fancy new pop-up screen, all pretty and red and starry, begs for your login information! Though, I’m still begging for an actual connection . . . 

Have you risen above this facetious face-lift? This quiz will tell you whether you’ve glowed up MORE or LESS than SFUNET. Let’s see if those wishful New Year’s resolutions are holding up, or if they’ve already fallen through, just like your plans to open a book for once during reading week. 

When someone tries to connect with you, you:

  1. Smack them in the face, hoping they shut down emotionally just as much as you have
  2. Finish all of their homework, do their laundry, and call their tax consultant for them 
  3. Pretend to accept them at first and then cut them off soon after

Pick an on-campus job.

  1. What do you mean? I’m already taking eight classes. Isn’t that enough?
  2. Underpaid, under-respected, newly unionized research assistant
  3. I’m useless, I just know how to rock a Scarlet Letter palette

When you leave campus after class, you:

  1. Immediately dissociate with the help of another salty stress meal
  2. Do your next week’s homework while running on a treadmill and drinking a green smoothie full of kale, matcha, and Google sheets
  3. I haven’t left SFU since 1965

Who do you relate to the most?

  1. That preschool bully who got arrested for vehicular manslaughter
  2. Paul Rudd
  3. Tim Hortons Wi-Fi

Where is your go-to public breakdown spot on campus?

  1. Middle of the AQ hallway, in front of a Krispy Kreme fundraiser stand. I love giving back
  2. Nowhere. Like any high-functioning adult, I hold my screeching in until I reach the sixth floor library washroom stall
  3. Everywhere, I’m broken literally everywhere on campus, forever

Do you still live at home?

  1. I live on in the hearts of men 
  2. I live for the applause, applause, applause
  3. I live to serve, in theory

If you chose mostly A’s . . . you’ve glowed up less than SFUNET!

You glow less than the shiny forehead of a pubescent teen. I can’t believe that a nearly defunct wireless system has improved more than you. Maybe those New Year’s resolutions aren’t so attainable after all . . .

If you chose mostly B’s . . . you’ve glowed up more than SFUNET!

Congrats, you’ve glowed up more than a Wi-Fi network. But let’s be honest, you haven’t actually improved that much. You’re only marginally better than the miniscule glow-up of SFUNET, and that’s not saying much, considering.

If you chose mostly C’s . . . you’ve glowed up just as much as SFUNET!

Woohoo, it’s a match! Twinning with SFUNET isn’t something to be proud of, though. This glow-up is just as meaningless as SFUNET’s fake fresh face. You should have worked harder on your self-improvement instead of watching “Vines that cure my depression” compilation videos.

SUBJECT: I am single-user access and your syllabus can try again later

By
Humour
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0
Tiffany Chan

Written by Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

From: Cora P. Wright <[email protected]>

To: Bob Auldmann <[email protected]>, Ted Bouks <[email protected]>, Moe Rinsane <[email protected]>

Subject: I am single-user access and your syllabus can try again later

Dear professors,

I regret to inform you that I cannot complete the readings for this week’s class. Or, any other week’s for that matter. I have declared myself to be SINGLE-USER ACCESS only. What I mean is that I am not able to process the BS of your class’ readings right now. After all, SFU has access to only 1 copy of this student.

Right now, I’ve been assigned the reading “Theories of a White Guy: A Modern Look at Capitalism.” As such, unfortunately, all copies of me are currently in use. I can’t be accessed, not by the rest of you and not by your assigned textbooks “From Lampposts to Lederhosen: The History of Political Scandals,” “How to Murder: Essential Reading for the Criminology-minded,” or “Green Eggs and Ham.”

Please note that this is (probably) temporary and that I may get to your ridiculously large number of readings in about seven to 60 days. Feel free to check back later, or search for another student. 

You may send me granola bars to try to refresh me, if you really want access to me sooner. But don’t count on it actually working when you want it to. If you give up on trying, you can always purchase my attention for a mere $99.99 USD + tax. My Venmo is conveniently available in the attached SFU Vault File. Thank you.

Yours sincerely (once you pay me), 

Cora P. Wright

DEAR PEAKIE: Lunch, love, and legal tea

By
Humour
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0
Chris Ho

Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie, 

I keep trying to stop eating out, but Dining Hall food is SO GOOD and I’m not on the meal plan. How do I stop spending all this money?

From, Make It Buffet’n 

•••

Dear Make It Buffet’n,

Keep going, because this is a problem that solves itself. After enough all-you-can-eat seshes, you’ll be out of money to spend! Plus, this will probably force you to drop out of SFU, so you won’t be able to hit up Dining Hall anymore. 

(Well, technically you could, but realistically you’re not going to climb the mountain just for that. I mean, didn’t you know? Without the gondola, every second of transiting to SFU is actually just suffering and trudging through several feet of snow. Yes, of course that happens year-round.) 

Love, Peakie

•••

•••

Dear Peakie,

Why is my prof’s marking scheme so harsh? I just want someone to be nice to me.

From, Tender Bibliography

•••

Dear Tender Bibliography,

Be nice to yourself! You can’t expect love from others when you’re not giving it to yourself. For example, put your full effort into your assignment for once, instead of blithely drooling your emotions all over a .doc file. I think your professor’s sensitive soul will awaken the second they lay eyes on an essay that doesn’t read like a rejected Teletubbies script. We all love to see a self-educating king!

Love, Peakie

•••

•••

Dear Peakie,

Who hurt you?

From, Peakie 

•

Dear Peakie,

The Alberta Court of Appeal when it determined the federal carbon tax to be “unconstitutional,” and the Alberta government for once again making the global climate crisis all about them. 

Love, Peakie

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024