Written by Madeleine Chan, Staff Writer

From: Cora P. Wright <[email protected]>

To: Bob Auldmann <[email protected]>, Ted Bouks <[email protected]>, Moe Rinsane <[email protected]>

Subject: I am single-user access and your syllabus can try again later

Dear professors,

I regret to inform you that I cannot complete the readings for this week’s class. Or, any other week’s for that matter. I have declared myself to be SINGLE-USER ACCESS only. What I mean is that I am not able to process the BS of your class’ readings right now. After all, SFU has access to only 1 copy of this student.

Right now, I’ve been assigned the reading “Theories of a White Guy: A Modern Look at Capitalism.” As such, unfortunately, all copies of me are currently in use. I can’t be accessed, not by the rest of you and not by your assigned textbooks “From Lampposts to Lederhosen: The History of Political Scandals,” “How to Murder: Essential Reading for the Criminology-minded,” or “Green Eggs and Ham.”

Please note that this is (probably) temporary and that I may get to your ridiculously large number of readings in about seven to 60 days. Feel free to check back later, or search for another student. 

You may send me granola bars to try to refresh me, if you really want access to me sooner. But don’t count on it actually working when you want it to. If you give up on trying, you can always purchase my attention for a mere $99.99 USD + tax. My Venmo is conveniently available in the attached SFU Vault File. Thank you.

Yours sincerely (once you pay me), 

Cora P. Wright