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Bajo la corteza: the unifying fragility of the environment and humankind

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Man in a smokey forest
PHOTO: Martín Heredia Troncoso

By: Clarence Ndabahwerize, Staff Writer 

Part of the Vancouver Latin American Film Festival, Martín Heredia Troncoso’s Bajo la corteza (Under Bark) begins with a raging forest fire in the Argentine province of Córdoba. We meet César, a humble man out of work, moving rapidly to join the efforts to assist in its extinguishment. The sirens are ever present as a reminder of the danger the fires pose to the community around him. 

Land acquisition, from the beginning of time, has been a matter of contention and frustration. Troncoso’s film presents us with a perspective not commonly portrayed; someone willing to get their hands dirty for, in their view, noble reasons. César’s sister Mabel, struggles with an illness that will leave her out of work, and serves as the reason César goes down a dark path. The family’s economic situation, coupled with this curveball, is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Fragility is key here: César’s economic fragility, and the fragility of his sister’s health. 

After seeking employment at a job placement centre, César finds Héctor, a real estate developer, seeking to extend his frontier into protected land. César works with his nephew to clear and fence Héctor’s land, showing him the ropes of how to properly burn incendiary twigs. At a gathering, Héctor is accused of land grabbing. He defends his employer, showing he’s willing to get physical on his behalf.

Towards the end of Bajo la corteza, we see César start a forest fire at Héctor’s behest. The costs of his actions are revealed through radio snippets featuring community members lamenting the loss of their homes, and clips of the destruction the blaze wreaks upon the landscape. The film’s debut on local and international stages followed the 2022 Corrientes wildfires in Argentina.

César himself revisits the charred land he set fire to. Perpetrators are smart to avoid returning to the scene of their crime, but César isn’t a criminal and clearly has a conscience. His actions put him at great odds with himself, and later with Mabel, who pieces together what he has done. She rejects the money he brings to her. The final act of the film is a lesson in teaching the art of deduction as this chain of events is more implicit than explicit. 

Local film buffs are familiar with The Cinematheque and it delivered a brilliant experience, as should be expected of the venue. Troncoso’s film was in good hands and lived up to the expectations set by many other great motion pictures that graced that screen. With its long takes, neorealist characteristics and pertinent storyline, Bajo la corteza is a reminder that the most unexpected situations and people can have a profound effect on our environment and communities. 

A strongly worded letter to my gut biome as a 23-year-old student

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An illustration of a student looking angrily at their stomach.
ILLUSTRATION: Kelly Chia / The Peak

By: Olivia Visser, Opinions Editor

Dear digestive system,

It’s me again. I know you think I’m constantly complaining, but I could really use a break here. You’ve got way too much power in this relationship, and it’s getting kinda toxic.

I’ll be honest — I don’t like you. I think you’re aware. You’re far too stubborn to get along with over any long-term period. You expect your needs to dictate my entire life! You’re toxic and you don’t handle toxins well. I try so hard to tolerate you while you expand your list of intolerances daily. Just once, I would like to enjoy a tub of cream cheese icing without being destroyed for three hours. Why do you need to humble me?

I wouldn’t normally call someone high-maintenance, but you? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Endless doctors appointments and tests, multiple medications . . . I cut out caffeine and alcohol, and even took up special anti-inflammatory diets. I made all of these sacrifices for you. And what do I get? Nothing. You’re simply determined to hate me.

Dairy? Nope. Gluten? Nah. Vegetables? Nuh-uh. I’m still trying to figure out your taste preferences, but so far I’ve got: nothing. Yeah, that’s right. You’re pretty much impossible to satisfy. Sometimes on our good days I forget how one-sided our relationship actually is. I long for those moments where you’ll allow me to enjoy a slice of pizza or iced coffee, but shouldn’t that be the norm? The standards are on the floor, and you are sub-basement.

I wish I could say it’s time we part ways, but it simply doesn’t work like that. This isn’t just your life. Think about it — we’re in this together. We need each other. Communication is a two-way street, y’know, all that important stuff? At some point you’re going to have to grow up, because I’m LITERALLY sick of you.

Please don’t take this the wrong way (you tend to do that a lot) but listen to my perspective. If you were a little more open about your needs, we could work together. Compromise, perhaps. Just tell me what you like, and maybe we even have something in common. Heck, I’ll eat whatever bland concoction you desire if once in a while you let me have an apple or something.

If not, I don’t even know what my options are. Something’s got to change. I can’t let you walk all over me forever. If you’re so determined to be miserable then maybe I’ll just join you. Misery loves company, right?

 

Signed,

 

An emotionally gutless human stomach owner

SFU professor conducts study on men who experience domestic violence

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The photo is of four men sitting around a table. They are chatting together in a darkened corner.
Lysova pointed to the necessity of safe spaces for men. PHOTO: Ashkan Forouzani / Unsplash

By: C Icart, Staff Writer

Dr. Alexandra Lysova is the 2022 recipient of the Nora and Ted Sterling Prize in Support of Controversy. The associate professor in the SFU School of Criminology earned this prize for her research on intimate partner violence and family violence against men and boys. 

Since 1993, the Sterling Prize has been “committed to recognizing work that provokes and contributes to the understanding of controversy.” Lysova understands her work could be considered controversial because it goes against gender stereotypes. When men are often portrayed as perpetrators of family violence, it reinforces the idea they cannot be victims of abuse, she explained.

Lysova aims to challenge assumptions in society and within the research area of domestic violence. She recognizes “family violence is a relatively new topic in criminology,” and explained this area of research was previously referred to as “violence against women.” She focuses on paying attention to the violence that is ignored and obscured. “We do not hear voices of men who are abused.”

Lysova began studying family dynamics when she first became interested in psychology as an undergraduate student in Russia. She wanted to understand family violence as she said she comes from a supportive family. As she dove deeper into the topic, she found “the more you study this, the more questions you have. And then you realize how important this topic is, how many people suffer, and how much you want to prevent it in the families.” 

According to Lysova, violence against women “is a very important issue to discuss, but it’s only part of the problem.” Acknowledging that men can be abuse victims will make us “better at preventing violence, at treating victims and treating perpetrators, and reducing the weight of violence in our families.” This starts by recognizing and addressing the barriers men victims face when seeking care. Lysova has found that some men “reject the entire idea that they are being abused.” It can be challenging for men to find spaces like shelters. 

When Lysova spoke to men through her research, she found some knew they were victims but didn’t know how to reach out. 

For her, intimate partner violence and intimate partner homicide is a complex issue that requires a solution more comprehensive than teaching dominant men to not control women. Many factors beyond dominance can create this dynamic. Lysova noted situational factors, including financial burden and violence from women are also important to consider in treatment of partner violence and domestic homicide. 

This is a conversation Lysova will be continuing to have during her lecture on October 19 at the Wosk Center for Dialogue in Vancouver. Registration is free and the event will also be streamed virtually with closed captioning. 

To register for the event visit SFU’s eventbrite and to learn more about this study visit SFU News

How are athletes and coaches managing high expectations for the upcoming season?

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Photo of soccer player Ali Zohar kicking a ball in a game.
Regardless of the rankings, both squads are looking to spring off the back of last year’s performances. PHOTO: Paul Yates / SFU Athletics

By: Simran Sarai, Sports Writer

The start of the fall season always brings excitement to campuses across the league, with teams preparing for long months of competition, all striving to be the best of the best. Three SFU sports teams have earned recognition from coaches across their leagues. Men’s soccer and the men’s and women’s cross country teams were each ranked first in their respective Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC) Preseason Coaches Poll.

With high expectations set at the beginning of the season, The Peak reached out to athletes and coaches to learn about how the teams were managing their expectations, responsibilities, and workloads for the upcoming season.

Men’s Soccer

The men won nine of their 16 games during the 2021 season, and have only dropped one game this season to previous NCAA Division II champions, California State Los Angeles. We spoke with head coach Clint Schneider about his thoughts on the ranking and the season ahead. Schneider spoke on how he felt about the first-place ranking: “It really means absolutely nothing.

“The goal here is to win a national championship, and that’s it. Anything short of that isn’t good enough.”

Teammates and midfielders Ali Zohar and Conrad Cheng spoke about their expectations for the season ahead after a strong season last year by both players. Zohar played every game for SFU and earned Second Team All-Conference honours, while Cheng was named GNAC Newcomer of the Year and earned First Team All-Conference honours.

Speaking to The Peak, Zohar, who will be competing in his second season for SFU, laid out his plan for managing the high expectations that he, the team, and coaching staff have for the 2022 season. His key to success include “putting the work in on the field, having a good mindset, having a good work ethic on and off the field, [and] leading by example for everyone.”

With more responsibilities as a returning player, Zohar spoke about how he manages disappointment while also hoping to set examples for newer players in the 2022 season. “You just have to be mentally strong [ . . . ] Even if you do lose this game, you have to be ready to play the next one. Stay motivated no matter what, knowing that we’re working towards something bigger than just one game.

Cheng highlighted the difference in team atmosphere from last season to this season. “Last year we were really struggling, we never really clicked on the field, so we were just scrambling for wins [ . . . ] This year, there’s a massive mentality change. 

“Coming into this season, everyone is on the same wave-length. It’s super positive in the dressing room right now, everyone is super hungry. You can see it in practice, you can see it in games [ . . . ]  We’re so far ahead of where we were last year.”

Cheng credits the team-first attitude that has been prevalent already this season as one way the team’s expectations have changed from last season. “This year, it’s 100% team oriented. All that matters to everyone right now is just winning. I really don’t care about how we win games or how we get to the win, it’s just all about getting the win.”

Men’s and Women’s Cross Country

Both teams had a historic 2021 season, winning the GNAC Championships, and the women advancing all the way to the NCAA Championships. The Peak spoke to sophomores Kate Cameron and Charlie Dannatt on how they’re managing their expectations after a record-breaking season.

Cameron spoke about handling personal expectations after a breakout freshman season to the national championships with her teammates. Her biggest difference from last year to this year is not feeling intimidated to put herself at the front of races. “I have a bit more confidence in the first few races than I did last year. I put myself at the back, thinking that was my place as a freshman.” 

Conversely, Dannatt was measured in his excitement for the ranking. “We just need to prove that we are number one throughout the season and actually run up to what we should be running, and make nationals hopefully.”

In terms of managing expectations, Dannatt spoke about lessons learned from last season. “We got to the end of the season last year, a few of us were burnt out, and had probably raced too hard too early [ . . . ] This year we’re going to try and keep things in perspective and really make sure we’re hitting the end of the season the hardest.”

Dannatt also shared his thoughts on managing a bad result in a team sport that has a significant individual aspect. “Not everyday is going to be your day. You just have to look at the training that you’ve had and the consistency that you’ve had, and remind yourself that you are not just the value of the results that you had on that day. You’re the value of all the training you’ve put together up to that point so far, and all the hard work you’ve put in.”

Head coach Brit Townsend was flattered by the ranking, but realistic about the level of preparedness needed by the women’s team this season with a smaller, younger team. “I think the women’s team, it will be challenging to live up to the rankings, but I said that last year and we ended up at nationals.”

Speaking on the men’s cross country team, Townsend said, “I think we have more depth than ever. I think our team could actually be better than last year, even though we were very very good last year.”

Call for greater actions on International Overdose Awareness Day

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This photo is of Vancouver city streets. A few people and cars can be seen in the distance.
Support systems and community efforts are in place to end stigma. PHOTO: Andrea Cau / Unsplash

By: Pranjali J Mann, News Writer

International Overdose Awareness Day (IOAD), marked on August 31, recognizes the global effect of drug overdose and commemorates those who lost their lives. The campaign was initiated by Sally J. Finn in Melbourne in 2001. 

A report from the First Nations Health Authority last year highlighted that the opioid toxicity crisis overrepresented and disproportionately harmed First Nation communities.  

The Union of British Columbia Indian Chiefs (UBCIC) called for urgent collective action by all levels of the government. UBCIC president, Grand Chief Stewart Phillip said, “The overdose crisis is a symptom of unaddressed, long-term problems that only holistic and systemic changes can address.” Pointing towards the connections between substance overdose, issues of poverty, and housing instability, he called for “safe and affordable housing, mental and physical health systems free from racism and discrimination, accessible socio-economic services to support people in crisis, and a full spectrum of culturally appropriate substance use services to meet the needs of all people who use drugs.”

According to CBC Newsstatistics from earlier this year, there are an average of six people dying daily due to increased drug toxicity in BC. The key findings of the government of Canada’s June 2022 report also found an upward trend of deaths during the pandemic as “toxicity of supply continues to be a major driver of the crisis.” 

Chief Don Tom, UBCIC vice-president, noted colonialism and its legacy in systems as the root cause of the issue. UBCIC’s secretary-treasurer, Kukpi7 Judy Wilson, also said, “We are outraged by this human rights crisis and demand that Vancouver, British Columbia, and Canada work collaboratively with First Nations to preserve the lives and dignity of this community. We will continue to advocate and support those families who lost loved ones to overdoses for meaningful change in all our communities and Nations.”

BC Civil Liberties Association (BCCLA) reverberated the need for collective effort from various community organizations and levels of government. Their press release noted their demands of “implementing progressive and comprehensive drug laws and policy, ending the criminalization and stigmatization of drug use, and expanding and scaling up harm reduction programs and measures, including an increase in safe injection and safe inhalation sites, and safe supply programs.” The association indicated other measures including “full decriminalization of all drug possession for personal use, and sharing or selling of drugs for subsistence,” and providing an all encompassing safe supply to tackle the issue of drug overdose. 

Vancouver’s recent decision to decriminalize drugs is set to reduce the stigma around drug-related support, according to the government of BC’s website. Decriminalization would “remove barriers to treatment and connect people with lifesaving support without the fear of prosecution or the risk of using drugs alone,” according to the BC government press release

Horoscopes: September 19–24

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An illustration of a girl with long flowing hair. Astrological signs and stars shine around her.
ILLUSTRATION: Marissa Ouyang / The Peak

By: Hannah Kazemi, Staff Writer

Aries

Go for a mocha this fall, Aries. It’s the perfect blend of sweetness and deep richness which energizes you just enough to make it through a productive day of studying and writing lecture notes. Start the semester with style, I say.

 

Taurus

Sweet, sweet, and more sweet is what you look for in a Starbucks drink. I see a pumpkin spice frappuccino calling your name, Taurus, with double the whipped cream and cinnamon on top. You like to be extra in all aspects of your life, and your choice of coffee is no exception.

 

Gemini

Iced chai lattes everyday, baby! You like to be ✨different✨so you choose the drink that sounds the most pretentious. This is Leo behaviour, you perfectionist.

 

Cancer

You’re a matcha girlie, which means you like the taste of grass. It doesn’t matter how much honey, oat milk, or hot water you add to grass. I don’t judge, Cancer, but just know that you have bad taste. Anyways, back to my bean water.

 

Leo

You’re extra AF and have a thing for dramatics, so a strawberry acai refresher with coconut milk (AKA a “Pinkity Drinkity”) is the drink for you! It’s sweet, refreshing, and embarrassing to order out loud at the age of 22, but the annoying teenager in you never died so you must order it every time.

 

Virgo

You don’t like the taste of coffee (anyone who says they actually do is lying), so you order a hot chocolate at Starbucks when you’re craving a ✨fun✨drink. Your friends make fun of you for it but you don’t care — a hot chocolate is a classic and it’ll never let you down.

 

Libra

You like to keep things simple and embrace the foggy, cold, and wet weather that we have on the way. Sipping a london fog on a rainy morning fits your vibe perfectly, and is a cost-effective way to get your caffeine intake for the day. You can button up that tweed blazer snugly, my little academic!

 

Scorpio

You’re a basic bitch in the fall and start ordering a caramel apple spice (basically glorified apple cider) as soon as September hits. You don’t really have a go-to drink the rest of the year but in the fall, there’s nothing better.

 

Sagittarius

You go to Tim’s, not Starbucks — for good reason too. Who can afford to spend $5 on a fancy coffee when you could get a (shitty) bagel AND a double-double for less than that??

 

Capricorn

Starbucks is out of cold brew the one day you remember to wake up early enough to make it there before class. You order an iced pumpkin spice latte instead of the pumpkin cream cold brew you dreamed about. You like to make people’s lives as miserable as possible; so, you ask to substitute half the pumpkin for white mocha and add pumpkin cream instead of whipped cream on top. It doesn’t even taste like coffee anymore, which is exactly what you were going for.

 

Aquarius

The strawberries and cream frappuccino brings you back to your childhood with every sip and is your go-to any time of year, even though it’s full of sugar and does nothing to satisfy your coffee craving. Starbucks changed the way they make this drink last year so it doesn’t quite hit the same as it used to, but the nostalgia is enough to have you coming back for more.

 

Pisces

Ever since Starbucks got rid of the cool lime refresher you’ve had a personal vendetta against them, but you just can’t resist their shaken passion tea lemonade. It brings you so much joy you mostly forgive Starbucks for their poor decision (but never forget).

Top five ways to figure out what to do when you walk into the wrong classroom

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Stock image of a student entering a classroom, looking visibly confused.
PHOTO: CollegeDegrees360 / Flickr

By: C Icart, Staff Writer

The fall semester has started, and students are again faced with the tremendous challenge of finding the right classroom. We’ve all done it. Confidently walked into a lecture hall, sat down in the front row — because we’re getting straight As this semester — and unpacked our things. Felt prepared only to be humbled ten minutes in when the prof is most definitely not teaching that intro course we signed up for. It’s okay, I get it. The AQ is basically a never-ending hallway of identical-looking classrooms. But now that you’re in the class, what do you do to avoid the embarrassment of walking out with your head down? Here are five tips for you.

 

  1. Enroll in the class

You’re already in the classroom. This may be a sign from the universe that you are meant to take the class. Log into goSFU, drop the course you were enrolled in, and enroll in the new one instead. Don’t have the prereqs? Don’t worry. When you explain to the professor how the universe led you to their classroom, they’ll definitely waive them.

 

  1. Create a distraction

Biodegradable glitter is perfect for this sort of scenario. All you have to do is throw it in the air. While the entire class is mesmerized by the iridescent masterpiece raining on them, follow the instructions of the ever so iconic Julie Chen Moonves: “Gather your belongings and walk out the front door.”

 

  1. Tell the professor to teach the material you need

Tuition is expensive. Considering the amount you’re paying, professors should bend over backwards to teach you. Simply raise your hand and let the professor know which topic you would like them to introduce, and they should be happy to accommodate you.

 

  1. Wear camo

This one requires a little bit more planning, but it is essential if you want to avoid what could be the most mortifying situation of your life. Wear camouflage so no one can see you in the classroom. This way, if you need to leave because you misread your SFU Snap app, no one will even know you were there to begin with. Alternatively, a John Cena costume will also do the trick.

  1. Assert dominance

Nothing is embarrassing if you are not embarrassed. Proudly stand up, interrupt the professor and loudly announce that you will be leaving. Make eye contact with everyone around you and dare them to say anything or even smile a little bit. Don’t turn around; slowly back out of the classroom with your arms spread out, making yourself look as big as possible. T-pose on your classmates. Move to higher ground if you need to. You are the predator and they are the prey: make sure they know.

 

SFU350 set to receive award

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This photo is of the outside of the SFU Academic Quadrangle. The reflection pond is visible and there are students sitting on the grass.
After challenges navigating SFU’s systems, this recognition is boosting club morale. PHOTO: Allyson Klassen / The Peak

By: Minahill Nasir, SFU Student

SFU350 is set to receive the SFU Chancellor’s Distinguished Service Award this October. Earlier this year they also received other recognitions like the FENV Changemaker Award and Thakore Visiting Scholar Award

The Peak interviewed Liam Mackay, one of the core leadership team members at SFU350 to learn more about their success. Mackay is in his fourth year studying environmental science.

SFU350 is a student-led club on campus which promotes climate action. Last September they released the Climate Emergency Declaration campaign letter to the SFU Board of Governors. One of the main demands in the letter was to establish a student-led climate hub. The vision for the climate hub was a student-led space where students, faculty, and staff are included in conversations related to projects. Mackay explained they hope to make collaborations between faculty and students “a lot more seamless” within the space. 

The City of Burnaby awarded SFU350 an Environmental Star Award which is “an award for smaller scale actions that serve to catalyse larger initiatives.” According to Mackay, they won this award “because we catalysed SFU to take larger actions.” Mackay also noted his excitement for The Chancellor’s Distinguished Service Award, because it has “never been won by a club, typically it has been won by alumni or individuals who performed a distinguished service for the university.”

Mackay explained how the news of receiving this award changed the atmosphere in the club. 

“We felt like we were getting real acknowledgement from the university, some real recognition. It was really exciting because as a student group we had all these challenges in the previous year trying to navigate the university and all of a sudden the university is saying, ‘you know what, we are going to recognize these efforts and we are going to award you this distinguished service award,’” said Mackay.

Last year, SFU350 painted a mural in the Convocation Mall at SFU Burnaby to promote climate awareness. They were originally told by SFU those involved would face disciplinary action. However, that was later revoked and SFU released a public statement saying, “student misconduct will not be pursued.”

The Gandhi Student Peace Award, won this year by SFU350 “normally honours SFU students who have been active in the volunteering community [ . . . ] it doesn’t necessarily need to be related to climate change, it just needs to be related to peace, justice, and human rights.” 

SFU can help SFU350 by supporting the remaining five of the seven demands in their Climate Emergency Declaration, according to Mackay. Two of their main demands of SFU was to declare a climate emergency and divest from fossil fuels. SFU announced in November 2021 they are aiming to be fully divested from fossil fuels by 2025. Then, in April of 2022 they officially declared a climate emergency.

“That letter was all encompassing, it took a few years of consultations and drafting and coordination between various groups to create the letter. It’s not just a one off thing, it was meant to be a prescriptive letter,” said Mackay. “What I mean by that is that sending this letter off almost gave a blueprint for SFU to see what the student body wants in terms of climate change and climate justice. These seven demands were very [clearly] described in the full letter.”

Two-Minute Drill: Kassie Muanyam

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Photo of Kassie Muanyam watching her shot after a swing on the golf course.
Two legends, one choice: Is Muanyam picking Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson? PHOTO: Belinda Lin

By: Isabella Urbani, Sports Editor

Kassie Muanyam is a junior on the women’s golf team, majoring in psychology and minoring in business with aspirations to become a lawyer. Before SFU, she was a member of her high school golf team that placed second at the BC School AAA Championship in 2018.

Q: What’s something from/about Nanaimo (your hometown) that you think is better than Burnaby?

A: In Nanaimo, there’s a ton of beautiful beaches, lakes and mountains. The beauty of living on an island is everything is generally within 10 minutes or less from my house!

Q: Golf just introduced walkout songs. What song are you picking?

A: “All of the Lights” by Kanye West.

Q: SFU women’s golf just came out with a list of superlatives. Which one are you being assigned to?

A: Most likely to become a musician.

Q: Go to karaoke song and why?

A: “Breakeven” by The Script. Can’t go wrong with that song.

Q: Hidden talents/something no one knows about you?

A: I play the guitar and the piano!

Q: If you could have lunch with any celebrity (dead or alive), who would it be?

A: Robert Downey Jr., he’s had a pretty interesting life and seems like a great guy — plus he’s Iron Man.

(Ahem, ‘used to be’ Iron Man.)

Q: If you could change anything about golf (rules, scoring, etc.), what would it be?

A: Probably the out-of-bounds rule. The current rule is if you hit your ball out of bounds, you take stroke-and-distance relief — you play another ball from where the previous stroke was made and take a penalty stroke as well. I would change it so you would play out-of-bounds the way you would play if you hit into a hazard.

Q: Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson are teeing off. Who are you taking and why?

A: Both great players and huge figures in golf, but I would go with Tiger Woods. I’ve always admired him, he’s [incredible] on the course and I always find myself rooting for him no matter what.

Q: Most memorable golf memory?

A: My first time competing with SFU at a tournament we won [ . . . ] in Utah; experiencing college golf for the first time was really fun.

Q: If you could play any other sport for the day, what would it be and why?

A: I’d probably choose basketball, just cause it’s always fun and also a team sport, which would be a switch up from golf.

I AM MARIO: Based on a true story

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A looming silhouette of Mario in the distance. A person in a red shirt salutes cheerfully, and a thought bubble with Mario's signature moustache is seen over their head.
ILLUSTRATION: Kelly Chia / The Peak

By: Max Lorette, Peak Contributor

I have loved Mario since I was young. It was infatuation at first sight when I got my first Nintendo DS and played Super Mario Bros. I ruthlessly threw bananas at any foes I encountered on the road in Mario Kart. There was something so enchanting about him, with his effortless Italian swagger, his denim overalls, and, of course, his glorious moustache. I was a-chanted!

Over the years, we’ve formed a truly special bond. When I find myself in  times of trouble, I have looked towards that beautiful plumber for comfort. He is so reassuring, and his perseverance lets me believe that I, too, can jump toward my goals. When all else goes wrong, I hear him in my mind, crying out “Mamma Mia!”

However, I fear that recently, my comfort character has become less of a comfort and more of an obsession.

It all started last week. I was ascending the stairs of Saywell Hall when I tripped and toppled forward. “WAAAOOOOOH—” I cried out in instinct, before realizing I sounded just like my idol. My cries echoed down the stairs, just like Mario’s voice echoing through the sewers in World 1–2 on Super Mario Bros.

The day after, I was downtown browsing the overpriced vintage shops. I pulled out a pair of denim overalls and a red shirt. Before I knew it, I had spent $150 in order to cop the mere essence of Mario’s style.

Once, I hated the taste of mushrooms. Now, I could eat them by the bucketful. They make me feel more powerful. Mushroom pizza? No. When you are Mario, you can have mushrooms any time!

I shudder to tell you the state of my driving as of late. Let’s just say none of my friends are willing to carpool with me, unless they willingly travel well above the speed limit — the speed of Rainbow Road. My brother fears me every time I pick up a banana peel, wondering if I’ll toss it in front of the car for a wild ride.

All this being said, I had not realized how far I had fallen until last night. It was a dark and stormy evening when my phone rang. “Hello?” The gruff voice on the other line had said, “I am looking to speak to—”

Before he had even finished his sentence, I had already begun to respond, “It’s-a-me! Mario!” It felt so wrong . . . but it felt so right! I . . . I had become Mario.

Who was I, a mere mortal, before the blue denim? This red cap, this beautiful and vivacious mustache? Only one way to find out: I must beat up a gigantic turtle.

How much farther can I fall? WAAAAOOOOOH!!!!