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Professors with arbitrary limits on grades.

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Teacher grading papers
PHOTO: Scott Graham, UnSplash

By: Nercya Kalino, Staff Writer

Ever leave a negative review for a professor on Rate My Professors? There are only a handful of legitimate gripes on the site, but near the top of the list would be the professor who’ll come out and tell you they don’t believe in awarding students anything higher than a B+. Is it because they’re a jerk? Or is it because they suck as a teacher? It’s hard to tell but usually, it’s both. 

During those cursed semesters with those profs-of-the-damned, you’ll be sitting at your desk, your mind screaming and your eyes hurting after staring at some assignment that you’ve put your all into knowing fully well that your prof will never allow it to rise beyond their rectally-yanked grade cap. 

What’s even worse are the professors who guarantee, on the first day of lecture, that half their students will fail the course, or fall below 70%, or some other dire warning about where most of the class’ marks will fall. If it’s true, then they’re not a very good teacher, are they!?

One of the most heart-wrenching things a student can do is study hard, work hard, and produce good work, only to be swatted down by an out-of-touch professor who’s looking for a way to make their course more important than it is. Give me a mother forkin,’ goddamn A-. Or higher. But the A- would be nice. 

Two-Minute Drill: Carly Seemann

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Photo of track and field runner Carly Seemann
Photo: SFU Athletics

By: Izzy Cheung, SFU Student

Carly Seemann is a third-year science and art major who is training to compete in SFU’s track and field season this March. Her love for running blossomed in grade five and has remained a constant source of pride in her life since. She previously spent eight years running for the Coquitlam Cheetahs in hurdles and high jump events. 

Editor’s note: This piece has been edited for clarity and length.

Q: What do you like to do in your free time?

A: I’ll watch some TV or some Youtube. I just watched Glass Onion last night, it was so good! I do like baking, it’s methodical. You can’t mess it up . . . until you mess it up! 

Q: Favourite songs to warm up or run to?

A: Usually people listen to rap, or hard music, but I listen to R&B. It’s a great tempo to run to, and I find that I zone in if I’m listening to that music. 

(Check out Carly’s go-to running playlist: R&B Favourites on Spotify!) 

Q: If you could compete in any track event with any athlete, who would you pick and why? 

A: Honestly, I’m going to say Jerome Blake because he used to be on the Cheetahs, and I used to train with him. He’s a fun guy — and now he’s an Olympian! 

Q: Do you have any rituals or superstitions?

A: It’s so hard to find a routine that works every time, because each place you go to compete is just so different. You really have to focus on yourself; you can’t let anybody else psych you out. 

Q: What are your favourite courses you’ve taken at SFU?

A: There’s one art course [CA 262] I really loved. It’s called “Practices in Drawing.” I guess I really liked that because it tied into biology in a way, and it was just a really good way to look at things differently. I just took Vertebrate Biology. The course load was intense. We dissected a cat, pigeon, turtle, a fish, and a mudpuppy, which is kind of like an axolotl

(Fun fact: a mudpuppy is NOT an actual dog.) 

Q: Do you have any go-to restaurant recommendations?

A: I really love burgers, so Romers is really good. They actually have good gluten-free buns. Red Robins has really good flavoured burgers. There’s one sushi place in Maple Ridge called Wasabi Grill, and half of their menu is gluten-free. 

(If you didn’t catch on, Carly is celiac, and she’s politely requesting more gluten-free sushi restaurants.) 

Q: What’s your favourite track memory?

A: BC Summer Games in 2016. I was elected for high jump, long jump, and hurdles. I didn’t win anything, but I got a personal best in high jump. My personal best at the time was 1m 55cm; my mom told me to “get over 160.” I think it was my third attempt. I just barely skimmed it.

Visiting the old athletics graveyard

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Photo of someone holding a candelabra in dim lighting.
PHOTO: Laura Chouette / Unsplash

By: C Icart, Staff Writer

Content warning: mentions of animal abuse in the second paragraph. 

Auto polo

Picture polo with cars instead of horses. Each car had two players: one to drive and one to hit the ball. It was popular in the United States and Europe at the beginning of the 20th century. The sport, unsurprisingly, was incredibly dangerous and caused several accidents. It was so bad, that each car had its own nurse and doctor. Racers died, and people ate it up. I’m not kidding. Audiences would complain about a lack of bloodshed. It wasn’t until the Great Depression made the sport too expensive that auto polo began fading out. However, it was briefly revived as “motoball,” where cars were replaced with motorcycles and mallets were replaced by rackets. 

Considering how much faster cars are today, I’m going to have to agree with leaving this one in the sports graveyard. However, tuk-tuk polo has been taking off in Sri Lanka since 2016. Tuk-tuk refers to the vehicles participants drive. It gained popularity as a replacement for elephant polo after animal cruelty accusations, and a rampage of a “polo” elephant hospitalized two players in 2007. Wow, that’s a lot of variations of polo.

Fox tossing

During the 17th and 19th centuries in Europe, members of the Victorian aristocracy would join teams to launch an array of live animals — not just foxes — in the air with a giant sling. Whoever sent their animal up the highest would win. It was ideal to toss the animal high enough so it wouldn’t survive the fall, because when it did, it often attacked the participants. Go get your revenge! When the aristocracy died down, so too did the game. Obviously the animal cruelty  involved would prevent this sport from being revived nowadays.

Baseball

Okay, baseball isn’t dead, but it may as well be. Major League Baseball (MLB) viewership has significantly declined. While 44.2 million people tuned in to watch the World Series in 1978, less than 12 million people watched the 2022 World Series. Many blame the slow pace of the game that just doesn’t keep up with the attention span of the average 57-year-old MLB fan. This is something the MLB is actively trying to solve by introducing two major time-saving changes this upcoming baseball season: a pitch timer, and a pickoff limit. The pitch timer will force pitchers to cut down on time between pitches. While a pickoff limit will allow more players to steal bases by limiting how many times a pitcher can try to catch a runner taking off to the next base. To be honest, I think this sport is boring, changes or not, and would much prefer it if the MLB started playing soccer baseball instead.

Jewish Book Festival presents a collection of vivid graphic novels

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lllustration from But I Live book cover of two boys holding blankets in a forest with a blue colour scheme.
PHOTO: University of Toronto Press

By: Aditi Dwivedi, News Writer

Every year, the shelves of the Cherie Smith Jewish Community Centre’s Jewish Book Festival, one of Vancouver’s “leading cultural and literary events,” are filled with powerful narratives, knitting together a community of prominent and emerging writers dedicated to vocalizing the lived experiences of the Jewish community. This year’s festival features But I Live: Three Stories of Child Survivors of the Holocaust, a collection of graphic novels that recount haunting experiences in vivid detail.

But I Live is a unique curation of graphic memoirs, historical essays, and lived experiences. Edited by Dr. Charlotte Schallié, chair of German and Slavic studies at the University of Victoria, it’s a collaborative attempt to approach testimonies of Holocaust survivors in a rich way. Dr. Schallié believes “graphic novelists are not just illustrators” and insisted they “actively co-creating the history with the survivors.” Three graphic novelists were paired with people who were children during the Holocaust to help interpret their memory into art that leaves a legacy.

In an interview with The Peak, Miriam Libicki, who developed the illustrations in the story, A Kind of Resistance with David Schaffer, opened up about how the production of the novel was very different from her usual process. Unlike her solitary explorations of artistry, Libicki embarked on a creative journey, interpreting Schaffer’s vivid recollection of his harrowing childhood. The story recounts how his family was “deported to Transnistria in the Ukraine and how [they] struggled to survive.” Using murky watercolours, Libicki helped develop the visual narrative of their long journey towards home in Vama, Bukovina, after Ukraine was liberated by the Russian forces in 1944. 

Invoking the fantasy art style of Edmund Dulac, Libicki aimed to “immerse the reader in the past,” and constructed a world unique to Schaffer’s voice, juxtaposing the visceral reality of his life with surreal nature imagery. What captivates her readership is not just her unique illustrative technique, but the subtle shadows of But I Live co-creators, Barbara Yelin and Gilad Seliktar’s artistry imprinted on the pages of her work. Her gratitude towards her co-creators reflects in every panel, like Yelin’s lesson to “take up more space.”

According to Dr. Schallié, “Visual storytelling in graphic narratives is especially effective for life stories of survivors who were children during the Holocaust, as images often tend to be deeply imprinted in a child survivor’s memory.” But I Live presents a colourful alternative to the faded black-and-white film reels of distant, faceless figures of millions of Holocaust survivors, captured in a “dehumanizing light” by cameras in the hands of their oppressors. It re-claims their narratives and gives them a space to express their lived experiences. 

In the preface to this woven net of memory and evocative history, Bernice Eisenstein quotes an old Yiddish saying: “Ink dries quickly, tears do not.” 

Some moments of human experience need to be kept alive, no matter the passage of time. But I Live is proof that our legacy is marked not only by wars, loss, and grief but also by hope. 

But I Live is available for sale at Indigo. Attend the But I Live panel discussion on February 12 at 12:00 p.m. at the Jewish Community Centre of Greater Vancouver to find out more about the novelists’ “unusual artistic process.” Tickets are available on the Eventbrite page. Find out about other exciting events for the JCC Jewish Book Festival on their website.

No, queer curriculum in schools isn’t “grooming” students

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PHOTO: Gudrun Wai-Gunnarsson / The Peak

By: Bhavana Kaushik, SFU Student

Despite years of progress on LGBTQIA2S+ rights in Canada, the last couple of years have seen a resurgence in naked bigotry towards queer people. One of the most dangerous tactics used to demonize the community has been to reduce teachers to “groomers,” with bigots condemning the involvement of queer narratives in the classroom as being tantamount to pedophilia. 

Before we talk about such an important topic, we need to establish a legitimate definition of grooming. According to a 2001 Criminal Code provision, “preparatory” steps taken to “groom” children under 14 is considered a criminal offence, even before an actual sexual crime is committed or attempted. Grooming is when a person builds a relationship with a child for the purpose of future abuse. It’s a real phenomenon that, especially online, has been on the rise in Canada.

What grooming is not, is education that includes the mere mention of queer people. 

In the past few years, the idea that issues around gender and sexuality shouldn’t be taught in school has been gaining steam in far-right circles. In Florida, the so-called “don’t say gay” bill forbids educators from teaching anything related to sexual orientation or gender identity in kindergarten through third grade. Florida’s Republican Governor and conservative allies have accused opponents of the bill of being “groomers,” themselves. 

Canadians aren’t immune from this demonization of queer narratives in schools; during the 2022 municipal elections in BC, the Parents’ Voice party ran, partly, on a platform opposing the inclusion of LGBTQIA2S+ topics in school curriculum. During that election, three of the party’s 28 candidates were elected to school boards, where they now serve, contributing to critical decisions about inclusive curriculum. 

An inclusive curriculum is critically important. As of 2021, 4% of Canadians aged 15 and older identify as members of the LGBTQIA2S+ community. Growing up, that population having a curriculum related to sexual orientation and gender equality will help them feel safer and valued in their learning environment. It also helps students outside of the queer community. Students who grow up learning about what it’s like to be a member of the LGBTQIA2S+ community do a better job at being there for students and adults who are different from them. And early, age-appropriate sex-ed discussions make all students safer from actual grooming. 

The LGBTQIA2S+ community and its allies have fought for decades to create a safe space for queer Canadians. But for this to continue, any notion of a link between an inclusive curriculum and the terrible practice of “grooming” has to be shut down before it causes more damage to the LGBTQIA2S+ community.

Connect the Lingo

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Illustration of a character connecting the words “connect the” and “lingo” with a pencil.
ILLUSTRATION: Alyssa Umbal / The Peak

By: Natalie Cooke, News Writer

Word Bank: goalkeeper, airball, shank, 19th hole, double dribble, muff, cut shot, bunt, meet, nutmeg

  1. When a player stops dribbling and then begins again, or dribbles the basketball with two hands, they commit a ________ dribble.
  2. This soccer player usually wears a different colour than their teammates on the field.
  3. Time to relax and grab some lunch at the ________. 
  4. When a football player makes contact with the football without successfully maintaining possession of it. 
  5. When a softball batter chooses to tap the ball instead of swing.
  6. A volleyball attack where the player spikes the ball “at an extreme angle across the court, making it nearly parallel with the net.” ________
  7. The libero received the serve but their pass was a  ________. The ball flew out of bounds!
  8. You ________ an opponent in soccer when you kick the ball through their legs, instead of trying to go around them.
  9. She tried to make a three-point shot, but instead hit an ________. 
  10.  Another word for a swim competition.

 

Answer Key

  1. double
  2. goalkeeper
  3. 19th hole
  4. muff 
  5. bunt 
  6. cut shot 
  7. shank 
  8. nutmeg 
  9. airball 
  10.  meet

Public universities should be free

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Letter blocks spelling “school”
PHOTO: Oleksandr Pidvalnyi / Pexels

By: Victor Tran, SFU Student

In Canada, the cost of higher education has become a topic of increasing concern. In response, the question of whether Canadians have the right to access higher education has come to the forefront. In recognition of universities’ fantastic benefits to society, it’s time to eliminate their greatest barrier to higher learning: tuition.  

Education is one of the best strategies for raising people out of poverty. Reducing the cost burden associated with higher education is a critical part of levelling the playing field among students from all income levels

In Canada, lower-income teenagers are less inclined to attend universities. According to a report by Statistics Canada, only half of 19-year-olds from low-income families’ decided to participate in post-secondary education, compared to almost 80% from higher-income families. 

This trend is a barrier to financial stability. Statistics Canada reports that 73.3% of people with a bachelor’s degree had a job in 2022, while only 53.7% of those with just a high school diploma were employed. This leads to massive differences in average income over a long-term period. By age 35, Canadian men with a bachelor’s degree are earning an annual average of $64,000, compared to $44,000 for their high school graduate counterparts. At age 35, Canadian women with bachelor’s degrees are earning an annual average of $37,000, compared to just $20,000 for high school graduates. Removing the financial burden posed by tuition will increase the attendance rate among all citizens and help more Canadians break out of a cycle of poverty. 

Austria is a prime example of the benefits of free public universities. In 2008, the Austrian government erased all education fees for EU citizens; by 2015, the university attendance rate reached 81%, from 51% before the education reform. The resulting increase in bachelor’s degree holders should contribute significantly to the economy. The same is the case for other regions; the University of Minnesota’s graduates contribute $8.6 billion to annual GDP, while the University of Illinois’ graduates contribute $9.5 billion. In 2008, Austria’s GDP reached $432 billion — a 28% increase within 2 years of providing free education. 

Before we get too enthusiastic, we have to consider the potential pitfalls, starting with the problem of paying for free public schools. Free public school is not “free” the cost is borne by the taxpayer. Germany,  which provides free university education for national and international students, has a 49.4% tax wedge, which means an average worker in Germany has to give up half of their income. Canada, on the other hand, has a tax wedge of only 31.4% in comparison. 

It’s not easy to raise taxes as a politician. To fund free public education, the government could face enormous backlash when raising the tax bracket. But public education pays back. It’s one of the best investments a country can make, fueling competition, innovation, and economic growth. An educated population is a benefit, too. University graduates are more likely to vote and less likely to subscribe to conspiracy theories. It’s a great investment, but we have to be patient. 

Free higher education in Canada might seem far-fetched despite its outstanding benefits, but other countries are making it work. It’s time for Canada to join their ranks and prioritize its citizens’ development. 

Vaccine misinformation is alive and well — and more perverse than ever

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ILLUSTRATION: Raissa Sourabh / The Peak

By: Robert Sim, SFU Student

The last year has seen a terrible new trend in misinformation; the spreading of false news stories tying sudden deaths among young people to vaccine side effects. It’s perverse and dangerous.

COVID-19 vaccines are amazing. They were developed at lightspeed, tested by researchers all over the world, and are effective at protecting people from severe COVID-19. They’re also associated with a mild rise in the risk of myocarditis, which, in rare cases, can result in death. It’s most likely to occur in men aged 1825, though out of every 100,000 who receive the vaccine, up to two men are likely to be affected. Ironically, COVID-19 is more likely to produce myocarditis than the vaccine. 

It’s particularly prevalent when an athlete dies, seemingly suddenly. Conservative activists seem to love these events. On January 17th, 2023, Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin suffered a sudden cardiac arrest. The far-right leaped on the incident. Fox Entertainment host Tucker Carlson noted that “young athletes are collapsing at alarming rates since COVID-19 vaccines became widely available,” according to NPR. Other far-right figures advanced the same narratives. Actor Kevin Sorbo directly attributed Hamlin’s cardiac event to the vaccine, tweeting, “it’s the jab.”

This isn’t new, either. And it’s not just the pundits. Republican Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin became an early adopter of the narrative last year, saying, “We’ve heard story after story. I mean, all these athletes dropping dead on the field, but we’re supposed to ignore that.” Johnson, who was recently re-elected, has been a long-time anti-vaxxer

Myocarditis can lead to cardiac arrest and technically, the COVID-19 vaccine can — in very rare cases — cause sudden cardiac arrest. However, in 2021, the CDC found “that myocarditis occurs more frequently among COVID-19 patients and that there is a 16 times higher risk of myocarditis among individuals with COVID-19.”

But anti-vaxxers haven’t let those numbers sway them. 

This conservative movement, which seeks to generate awareness of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (or SADS), is perverse. For starters, it’s hypocritical to watch those who were up in arms about a subreddit tracking the deaths of COVID-deniers suddenly turn around and exploit the health emergencies of others for their political platform. But more importantly, the lie is damaging to public discourse and safety. Fewer and fewer Canadians are feeling any zeal for vaccination and boosters, despite COVID-19 still being very much a threat.  

There isn’t a plague of vaccine victims. There just aren’t. But spreading these stories keeps the doubtful from getting vaccinated. The data is in; vaccines reduce the chance of getting COVID-19, and present little risk to one’s health. But that data isn’t reaching everyone. In some circles, discussion of conspiracies like SADS is sowing more doubt in vaccines, despite those claims having been fact-checked, again, and again, and again

Anti-vaxxers leaping to claim strangers’ medical emergencies as evidence of their conspiracies is a new low. In response, we need to adopt the practice of spreading valid strategies for public health as an ongoing project by everyone who accepts the science behind vaccines; we need to spend just as much time and energy sharing and repeating good information as anti-vaxxers do when they spread flagrant falsehoods.

Dr. Andrea Reid discusses Indigenous fisheries approaches

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This is a photo of the outside of the Institute of Fisheries and Oceans at the University of British Columbia.
PHOTO: Amirul Anirban / The Peak

By: C Icart, Staff Writer

Dr. Andrea Reid launched and has been leading the Centre for Indigenous Fisheries at the University of British Columbia for the past two years. She took time to have a virtual conversation with the Georgia Straight Alliance. The Peak attended the talk, where she spoke about the various roles of fisheries and Indigenous fisheries approaches for sustainable fishing solutions. 

Reid is a citizen of the Nisga’a nation and opened her talk in Nisga’a, a language she is currently learning. She shared what drew her to this topic: her love of Lisims. Lisims is the Nisga’a name for the Nass river in northern British Columbia — she described it as the “home of my nation.” 

Reid used the figure of the gramophone to symbolize Indigenous resistance and resurgence. She saw one in the Nisga’a museum in Laxgalts’ap in the living rivers exhibit. When she inquired about it, she was told when the Canadian government banned potlatches from 1884 to 1951, “Our people would gather in homes or in halls under the auspices of gathering for a Bible study and they would loudly play hymns over the gramophone while they would quietly go about their business and discuss the particulars of the fishing plan.” 

Fishing in Lisims has been important to the Nisga’a nation since time immemorial, according to Dr. Reid. “Fisheries are so much more than just food [ . . . ] They are also our livelihoods, economies. They sustain our health and well-being. They are foundational to our cultures, our peoplehood, our identities.” 

The Indigenous fisheries scientist has joined forces with Rena Priest, Amy Romer, and Lauren Eckert. “Together, we’ve been tackling a long-term collaborative project called Fish Outlaws with a grant from the National Geographic Society. It seeks to tell stories that, to us, are really symptomatic of this historical amnesia coupled with the still-existing and deeply racist policies.”

Colonial forces introduced unsustainable fishing methods while creating legislation prohibiting Indigenous nations from fishing. The Federal Fisheries Act, first introduced in 1857, is one of the oldest pieces of Canadian legislation to exist and has repeatedly been used by the Department of Fisheries to argue “that Aboriginal rights to fish had been extinguished,” according to Dr. Reid.

Reid felt it is important to have “a remembering of so-called ‘outlaw fishing’ as well as a remembering of what Indigenous fisheries are and could be for a more socially and ecologically just future.” Fish Outlaws is a multimedia project “documenting the criminalization and dispossession of Indigenous fisheries around the Salish Sea.” The team draws on archival research and community consultation to uncover these stories. 

During her post doctoral research, Reid interviewed close to 50 elders “to hear from them how access to fishing and thereby their relationships with salmon have changed and continue to change. And to learn about fishing ethics that for long have kept us in good relations with salmon.” 

Many of the fishing methods used by Indigenous fishers and subsequently outlawed because of their misuse by colonial forces are now being brought back. For instance, “Fish traps offer a prime example of the real potential of gear misuse.” Salmon canning corporations adopted the highly efficient practice and used it to overharvest since the late 1800s. “This eventually led to traps being banned from Oregon all the way up to Alaska throughout the mid 1900s. But now we see colonial governments turning towards reviving these traps and evaluating the feasibility of them for selective harvest,” said Reid.  

“As we watch this tremendous uptick in interest in Indigenous ways of knowing and being here where many of us now live. We’re beginning to see greater acceptance for and interest in these methods and approaches.” 

However, Reid noted before bringing these methods back, it is important to consider the specific places, contexts, and ecological changes exacerbated by colonization. The conditions are not the same as when these methods were first implemented. Adapting to new situations may include developing new indicators to know when and where to fish. She encouraged the resurgence of Indigenous fisheries’ and the prioritization of passing down knowledge from generation to generation. 

For more information on Dr. Reid’s work visit the Centre for Indigenous Fisheries’ website at www.cif.fish.

Top ten ways to receive sweet, sweet academic validation

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Very calm, very cool. Nothing wrong here. Illustration: Siloam Yeung / The Peak

By: Hana Hoffman, SFU Student

  1. Go around campus on Halloween week

Well, if you want something sweet, then get it on Halloween week. No matter where your grades are at, you’ll find sweet rewards everywhere. Who cares if it’s unrelated to academics? If you can satisfy your sweet tooth, then your job is done.

2. Showing up to class is already a W

There are so many things that could’ve stopped you . . . sleeping through your alarm, missing your bus, realizing your assignment failed to upload on Canvas the night before, or simply lacking the motivation to go. By attending class, you are proving how responsible you are as a young adult. This is something to be proud of.

3. Lower your expectations

This is probably the most valuable life hack. Why do people feel the need to achieve success at such a high level when they can achieve success at a low level? You save time, energy, effort, coffee, phone battery . . . you name it. Just make an easy goal and reach it! Grab the “meeting expectations” line on the grade spectrum and drag it wherever you want. In the immortal words of DJ Snake, “Get low.”

4. Lie about your grades

Let’s say you and your classmates are chatting and you tell them you got 98% on your final paper. The benefits! They will be so impressed and compliment you, wishing they could be as successful as you. This will (fakely) boost your self-esteem. The risks! What if the prof announces that the highest mark in the class was 95%? What if you leave your laptop unattended for a minute and your classmate sees your mark? What if you’re a bad liar? They’ll know you’re lying. Oh well! Then you’ll learn to grow as a person, and all is good!

5. Present yourself professionally

By having a professional appearance every day, your instructors and peers will assume you’re a highly qualified student. You know the kind of students who dress maturely, sit at the front of every class to interact with the prof more, always prepare a ton of notes, and walk around campus carrying a textbook or two. Be like them and maybe that’ll help! You know what they say: fake it until you make a Beedie student proud.

6. Change your meaning of academic validation

I don’t know what academic validation means to you. Maybe it means receiving academic-related compliments, feeling proud of yourself, or simply being enrolled as an SFU student and having an ID card for proof. Or maybe it’s just a popularity contest to see who’s the most favourited in the class. I advise you to tweak the definition of sweet academic validation and make it your own. 

7. Show progression — start bad, end great

If your effort level remains the same throughout the semester, no one will notice your progression. However, if you start the term as a problematic student who struggles with school and later show how smart you actually are, then everyone will be surprised and impressed by your fast and incredible progress. We all love a comeback story!

8. DIY validation

Here’s an at-home DIY validation grabbing method: Ask your trusted siblings if they would say great things about your work in exchange for chocolate. This fake validation will eventually give you the courage to push through the schoolwork!

9. Just be a hardworking individual and gain respect from that

Look, if people notice that you’re at least trying to get the answers right in class and attending office hours to get extra help, they will have respect for you no matter where your grades are at. As long as you haven’t been a jerk during your time at SFU.

  1. Get outstanding grades

In reality, receiving sweet, sweet academic validation is not complicated. You only need these five words: Ace every exam and assignment. Then you’re all set! Stop wasting time looking for ways to avoid work. Instead, study harder! Clearly, your efforts are what you’ve been missing all along! [Runs away into sweet validation valley.]