By: Matthew Cullings, SFU Student
[Verse 1: SFU student]
Her name was Joy Johnson,
Spent SFU’s money without precaution,
While every elevator on the mountain was stoppin’,
That’s OK, she’s was online shoppin’.
This is her playhouse,
We’re just all dolls in a jailhouse,
Johnson’s the warden while we walk,
She screams, “STAY ENGAGED OR ELSE!”
[Pre-chorus: SFU student]
I waited by the stage door — oops, I mean the AQ floor,
Someone stomped on my face. I looked to the exit door,
Wow, Joy Johnson stomped on my face with her stilettos.
I said, “You take all my tuition fees,
At least spend them responsibly.”
And she said.
[Chorus: Joy Johnson]
Hey, thank you for your feedback to me,
But I’m the Microsoft Excel balance sheet Queen.
You don’t know how hard it is to be me!
And you’re never ever gonna —
Wait, is that a wad of cash in your hands?
NOT ANYMORE, I’m gonna buy a Mercedes-Benz,
You don’t know the life of a queen of this universityyyyy, babe.
Be right back, gonna increase my car allowance —
[Verse 2: SFU student]
She was a legend.
Joy Johnson — they called her Dennis the Menace.
The accounting department looked all anxious,
When she walked in and demanded more blank cheques and mansions.
[Bridge: SFU student]
They said she’s got a plan,
It’s not wise if she wrote it on a napkin in Comic Sans.
“It’s not budget cuts. I call it fiscal responsibility!”
But no one knows what that actually means.
If you’re a real one, you’ll let our money get laid,
Planting healthy seeds of real joy, not funding genocide, babe.
It’s not fiscal responsibility,
If her name is GI Joy.
Joy isn’t spreading Joy — this song is getting very off beat.
And I said, (Back to the track!)
[Verse 3: SFU student]
JOY, LISTEN TO ME. Hey, the balance sheets have gone MIA,
Blew the budget on some new fancy art building,
All the while my department is underfunded, babe!
Photo op’s scheduled at 3:58, you can’t be late!
While you’re still stomping on my face,
Can you actually stop? It literally hurts. Like, what the fuck? We get that you’re queen B and all but this a little bit TOO MUCH. I’m not going to keep on singing while you’re standing there and literally destroying me. Fiscal health is mental health, babe. And right now you’re destroying my physical health.
[Outro: Joy Johnson]
You don’t get the life of Joy Johnson, babe!
Hahahahahaha, thanks for the unforgettable song.
Guess who owns the electricity in The Peak’s office, baby?
Joy Johnson (moi) runs this show. This is my article now!
Thank you, Hollywood!
Yes I’ll probably be unemployed in a few years — just let me drive the university to the ground! No, there won’t be a penny left! Budget cuts! Cut, cut, cut!
I love you, Sabrina!!!!! Come to SFU. I’ll pay your airfare!!!!!!!!
Good night!
