By: C Icart, Humour Editor
It’s a sunny Thursday afternoon, and Stacy is heading to the retirement home to visit her grandparents. She originally planned on going on Tuesday, but it was raining on Tuesday and filming a vlog in the rain is not a practice Stacy is interested in engaging in. That’s right, Stacy is an influencer. Or at least she wants to be. So the camera is always rolling, waiting to catch a viral moment. Stacy walks into the building.
Stacy: Oh my gosh, there are so many old people here! Oop, one just looked at me. Did I say something offensive? This is actually so good for me. Such a great reminder to wear SPF. Remember everyone, aging is a choice and so is Botox. OK, we are finally here. Let’s knock.
Grandmother: Stacy? Is that you? Why are you filming me?
Grandfather: What are you talking about Murielle, Stacy never comes here — Oh Stacy!
Stacy: Hi grandma and grandpa! Say hi to my followers! Oh wait, maybe move your chair over there grandma, the lighting is better.
Grandmother: Oh my goodness, what a surprise! We’re so happy to see you.
Stacy: Yes, I needed to come here to tell y’all some super exciting news!
Grandfather: Murielle, we’re about to be great-grandparents!
Stacy: No, grandpa. You know how I’m so obsessed with fashion? I thought my family should reflect that as well. So, I’ve decided to replace y’all with Marcus Pork and Grandma Droniak.
Grandfather: Murielle, did you understand what she just said? Why is she talking about pork? I thought the dinner tonight was going to be shepherd’s pie.
Grandmother: Stacy, please put the camera down. You can’t replace us. We’re family.
Stacy: No, no this is really good content! And it’s already set up! I reached out to them and I’m sure they’ll agree to collab! Marcus will make a unique fashion design for us and Grandma Droniak and I will feature it on our respective channels as OOTDs!
Grandfather: Murielle, why did Stacy come here to speak to us in gibberish?
Grandmother: Stacy, who are these people?
Stacy: Famous grandparents that will help turn me into the next viral fashionable grandchild! Plus it’s not like I’ll stop visiting y’all, just that I won’t claim y’all as my grandparents online.
Grandfather: Murielle, how can she stop visiting us when she never started?
Stacy: Grandpa! You know it’s difficult for me. This place is so out of the way and so inconvenient for me to go to because there are no cute coffee shops on the way. But that didn’t deter me from making the 20-minute drive to the retirement home today. I only got lost twice, which isn’t bad when you consider the fact that I’ve never been here.
Stacy starts pushing the chair her grandmother is sitting in.
Grandmother: Ow! What is happening?!
Stacy: I told you the light is better over there and we’re probably going to need to refilm because I need you to be more excited about my chosen family. I brought some shirts for you to wear as well.
Stacy hands them the shirts and her grandparents read them out loud.
Grandfather: Climate change is cringe?
Grandmother: Free bleed Friday? But I don’t. . .
Stacy: And mine says, “I slay while my haters lay.” It’s this iconic thing Grandma Droniak says because she keeps outliving her haters.
Grandmother: Hun, we’re not wearing these shirts.
Stacy: But Marcus Pork and Grandma Droniak would wear them!
Grandfather: I don’t even eat pork!
Grandmother: Stacy we’re going to be late for Bingo night and I’m sure Bertha is already waiting for us.
Stacy: Bertha? Bertha?! You can’t be friends with Bertha! She’s NOT invited to Grandma Droniak’s funeral! You have to realize how bad the optics are when it comes to us being seen with her!
Grandfather: mumbles under his breath. Who said you were invited?
Grandmother: Joe!
Stacy: Oh my god, y’all aren’t doing anything viralllll! I won’t be able to use any of this footage and . . . FUCK! Marcus is out, he said he can’t be my grandfather because apparently he’s 34? Dang . . . he needs a better skincare routine. I guess it’s back to the drawing board. I will be famous before I die, I’ll make sure of it.
Stacy leaves the retirement home without saying goodbye. Her grandparents are not complaining. Bertha skipped Bingo night to scheme about how to steal Grandma Droniak’s boyfriend.
Fin
