How SFU presented that tentative agreement

It’s miraculous that we were able to get here at all

Four business people sitting around a conference table. Two of them are shaking hands.

By: Kelly Chia, Editor-in-Chief

Burnaby, BC — to many, this foggy evening at SFU would be a regular night. But to the SFU bargaining team, who told us in secret that SFU actually stood for, “Sufficient, Fair, Understanding,” prior to a certain bargaining meeting, this meeting represented much more. It was a chance to redeem the underdogs, at least, according to the SFU bargaining members we spoke to at The Peak

Bargaining team member, Casual Dismissio, explained how recent events impacted their strategy, “We had to take a look at ourselves and really consider our moral compass after the big hubbub of hiring Lions Gate private investigators,” they shrugged. “Well, like, maybe being cancelled online is just a way for us to engage with our young students!” Dismissio exclaimed they did not expect to receive so much criticism, apparently forgetting the university’s long history of student strikes. Dismissio added that, at the very least, they have more reputation now than when they were a “commuting campus.”

“Now we’re a community campus because everyone is mad at us! We’re so good at unity,” Dismissio said proudly. “We’ve never seen our students so enthusiastic about rallying for their instructors’ working conditions. Who knew they cared so much? We didn’t—” After this comment, Dismissio was promptly pulled away from our interview and assigned to create the perfect vague apology mass update email to share with the student body of SFU. 

“Those emails are so important for how we connect with our students,” another bargaining member, Talks Biggame, chirped in. “You see, the in thing is to be publicly shamed into action. That’s just what’s trending these days!” She then brought us to get a first look at their bargaining conditions, nodding at the “bargaining members” they had put into trench coats. “This right here is our secret weapon: now, no one can say that we’re not trying and not showing up! We’re all here,” she gestured to the small, moving gray masses with twitching noses. “SFU has always been known for outstanding outreach efforts, and we thought, ‘Why not bring in a key member of the community for their thoughts?’” 

“Are we going to be in attendance? Well, maybe in spirit,” Biggame said cryptically.

The apparent “key members” poked out of the large trench coats, gray masks revealing their beady, raccoon eyes. One raccoon even studiously brought a small slab of bark and a branch as though ready to take notes. It was a sight to see the raccoon bargainers. But even more surprisingly to us, they seemed more prepared to make a decision. Let us give them a cheer for luck and see if the agreement they present is what TSSU deserves, and not just raccoon table scraps.