By: Kaja Antic, Sports Writer and C Icart, Humour Editor

Dear Peakie, 

I was at the SFU Gallery in the AQ admiring a painting of a very cute pomeranian when I saw its eyes move ever-so-slightly like they were following me. It was kind of like the Mona Lisa, but better because it was a dog. Is this a message? How do I respond? 

Sincerely, 
Art Enthusiast 

Dear Art Enthusiast, 

You were not imagining anything; the very cute pomeranian was indeed sending you a message. You must respond by leaving an offering for him. The kind pupper was asking for a treat. Leave the pomeranian’s favourite foods in front of the painting, such as baby carrots, kidneys, or sweet potatoes. Disregard anyone getting mad at you for leaving fresh produce and organs on the gallery floor. They don’t understand your connection to this art or the true meaning of art overall. Hope you have a great time with your new furry friend!

Fur-well,
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

I live in student housing downtown. Everything has been great so far. There’s a large variety of things to do, including attending concerts at Victory Square. The other day, I was singing along, and someone yelled at me to shut up because “the concert ended hours ago,” and my “off-key singing from the sixth floor” was “keeping the whole neighbourhood up.” If I offer them a Snickers, do you think they’ll stop being grumpy and sing with me instead? 

Sincerely, 
Gastown Vocalist

Dear Gastown Vocalist,

How dare your neighbourhood not understand real talent? I am sorry you had to go through that, dear friend. Those surrounding you do not understand art, ignoring the ongoing concert, as well as suppressing your involvement in it. My best advice is to block out the haters, but I know that can be physically difficult. The idea that Snickers will satisfy is often misconstrued. Big Chocolate is very good at covering that up, so I understand why you may have missed that information. Instead of feeding your neighbours, you will be feeding the overbearing American capitalist agenda. Display true Canadian hospitality by offering everyone a Coffee Crisp, and if they deny it, display even greater Canadian hospitality by dousing them in maple syrup. Hope your neighbours find their voice and join your chorus.

Stay tuned,
Peakie

Dear Peakie, 

I was viewing an apartment the other day. Once they showed me the space, the landlord reminded me of the price of the rent (astronomical) and that there was a bus stop about 45 minutes away. Then they asked me, “what’s not to like?” I answered that I could name a few things now, but if they wanted a comprehensive list, I could email them later. Do you have any idea why they didn’t want me to fill out a rental application?

xoxo,
Honesty Is Always My Policy 

Dear Honesty Is Always My Policy,

From my understanding of the current rental market, instead of asking you to fill out an application for that unit, the landlord is picking out another one of their exaggeratedly-priced units that is perfect for what you are looking for! Something that is, once again, way over your price range but seemingly the cheapest option the landlord can give you. The closest bus stop will be even further from this unit, despite the label of “centrally located.” Also, you won’t be able to have pets or have friends over (supposed security issues), and there are multiple safety issues, including outdated smoke and carbon monoxide detectors! On top of that, doing laundry is a non-negotiable no, as well as cooking anything besides sandwiches and salads. What’s not to love? Hope they accept your answers this time, as this sounds like the best offer you’ll find in Vancouver!

May the odds be ever in your favour, 
Peakie